Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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Lebron James is the first to arrive at The Spartan Diner in Cleveland's University Circle area just south of Murray Hill and Little Italy. He sits at a booth and begins looking through the songs on the old 70's style table-side jukebox while pensively biting his nails. His physical therapist has told him that this is a deep rooted disorder for which he shouldn't blame himself, but he can't help seeing flashes in his mind of having an orangey brown ball glued to his hands instead of slipping out of his grasp into the hands of some less deserving crony that obviously should not be shooting 3's. He flips the jukebox menu to Usher, "You Make Me Wanna" and briefly feels ill so he turns the page. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a vaguely familiar guy sitting in a corner booth that he could swear for a moment was Earnest Byner. But the urge to relive some comforting moment from his past draws him back to the jukebox where he pauses for a moment on Beastie Boys, "Slow And Low" but quickly settles for the mediocre arena anthem "Let's Get It Started" by the Black Eye Peas. He thinks it is a clever way to convince himself that there is plenty of time left for him, but neglects to realize the irony in the fact that the song was originally called "Let's Get Retarded".
But it's too late and before he can realize his faux-pas his family has started to arrive. His nagging voice of reason Eric Snow enters and sits across from him in the booth looking pensively satisfied in an eternal moment of I-told-you-so-ness. As Eric grabs a menu and asks Lebron what giant portion of strangely pronounced food sounds good, Lebron sees Craig Ehlo waiving his hand in the air to get a waitress' attention while his diner companion Michael Jordon blatantly takes food right off of Craig's plate. Just then a floppy haired Brazilian youngster plops down at Lebron's table and looks blankly into his father figures eyes knowing that he is being given the best opportunity of his life magically magnificent mentor, but not knowing how to actually care without succumbing to the pangs of deep rooted envy. Outside Lebron's closest compatriot Zydrunas backs aimlessly in and out of the parking lane. Images flash through Lebron's mind of buckets of flaming money falling from the sky on Z's head as foot shatters into a million pieces and then brutally comes back together an inch longer in slow motion. But it's really one of his other captains, the world's self proclaimed greatest shooter, whose injuries should concern him.
Lebron's wandering mind is snapped into reality as a 7 foot Tim Duncan pivots in his corner counter seat to get a good look at Lebron. He acts normal to his peeps, but he secretly hopes that the bigman won't just snap and take all three of them to the hole. Instead Duncan looks away and just continues polishing the shining trophy in front of him. Outside Z has finally decided to spin around and painfully back into the lane like a one legged hobo. Back inside Duncan stares at Lebron briefly then gets up from his seat and almost bumps his head entering a men's room that has a poster on the door that reads "I am Witness". As Duncan opens the door Lebron clearly sees John Elway laughing like a race horse on nitrous, Edgar Renteria giving Jose Mesa a giant brick of cash, Kevin Mack sucking grayish smoke from a thin glass pipe, Al Pacino assembling a revolver, Tom Glavine, David Justice and Marquis Grissom giving full arm tomahawk chops, and Eric Metcalf trying to run right through the middle of them all. But Lebron is still relaxed. As Z finally sits down at the table, King James Gandolfini begins to think he has done the right thing by sacrificing so much for these guys. He knows his mortal enemy Rasheed Leotardo has not only been removed as a threat but surely a 16 point win to clinch the Eastern Conference should be enough to leave his opponent squashed like a grape at a gas station and give him enough time to enjoy this moment with his crew. But just then we hear the squeak of the bathroom door as the music stops abruptly and everything goes black just long enough for you to yell at your wife for not setting the overrun on the tivo.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Why is the T-1000 fighting an orange rockpile looking Vic Mackey while riding a long board that makes him look stupider than Snake Pliskin surfing the LA River? Oh, wait that's the long underrated Marvel superhero the Silver Surfer finally making his big screen debut in the guise of 12 year old special effects and Larry Fishburne trying to get his James Earl Jones on as the voice. But don't get your hopes up fanboys. This might as well be an issue of "What If" for all its inaccuracies. First of all, yes, the Silver Surfer was kind of a bad guy while working as a herald for the planet wrecking Galactus, but even with his "Power Cosmic" he did not phase though walls, which is his new trick in the 90 minutes of life sapping fluff. Second Galactus was a giant humanoid figure with a crazy purple horned helmet, so why the fuck is he portrayed as a cloud in this movie? Would it have really been a stretch to have a giant intergalactic planet eater in a gay pink and purple suit in a movie that already contains a rockman, a guy who turns into fire, a blackman on a flying surfboard and a silly putty man? The only good news is the accuracy department is that Doctor Doom's return is in a costume at least somewhat like his original.
The plot is simpler than Corky from "Life Goes On". Strange creature threatens the earth so the Fantastic Four have to figure out why and stop it. But that's not really why anyone wants to see this movie. You are either a fan of comic book films or you are really just interested in watching Ioan Grufford sharpen his finely tuned acting chops for 90 minutes. If you answered B there you are probably the type of guy who spends his afternoons posing his collectible figures (read: boy dolls) in various sexual positions while blushing and giggling. If you answered A ditto. The only reason to really see this film is obviously Jessica "Mocha Mounds" Alba. Personally I'd love to snatch a kiss from Jessica or vice versa, which ever she prefers. And speaking of kissing snatches, how does this movie score a PG rating when every frame of Jessica in her FF costume looks like it could have been captured from Ispycameltoe.com. It certainly made the ninety minutes more tolerable, but it only takes me 3 minutes to spill my manslaw, which makes approximately 87 minutes of this movie completely missable.
There's a Hollywood ghost in the house of the teenage super-sleuth and her clothes look older than Jessica Tandy's training bra, but somehow that's not the mystery in this movie. The mystery is figuring out why people keep referring to its star Emma Roberts as the niece of Julia Roberts? How can you just skip right over her dad like that? Eric Roberts is a fucking pimp. Come on, Best of the Best 2, The Prophecy 2, and National Treasure? Shit that motherfucker even landed a part on "Heroes". I mean, this guy is a split vagina hair away from being the next Christopher Walken. He's got almost 200 imdb entries for Christ's sake. Yet his selfish greedy sister even steals his thunder with seed of his own loins. Despicable. The only way Emma should be associated with her famous aunt before her famous dad is if she were to star in Pretty Woman 2 and do the one thing her aunt forgot to do, which is to strip down and bone. Seriously who makes an R-rated movie about a hooker with a heart of gold where the hooker doesn't get butt ass naked? That would be as pointless as an Eddie Murphy flick without jokes. Wait they do that. But dammit they shouldn't. Eddie Murphy movies should be funny, and movies with Roberts women should have titties. So I guess what I'm saying is that Nancy Drew sucks because it needs more bare breasts, or something…
1. Sopranos finale – is it worse than Donnie Brasco or better than The Godfather II. Sillier than having "boat drinks" with Treat Williams or classier than coming through the kitchen entrance and getting a front row seat with Ray Liotta? Is the Sopranos finale a classic or more disappointing than Clevelanders waiting half a century for a championship to come to their city only to see it get squashed in 4 straight?
2. Caption This
3. I leave full Bratttattatatttattatta power to Charlie D today since I am going to be stuck in Tulsa, OK guarding some car that's been buried since the last time Cleveland had a winner. This town is so boring that I'm liable to pour gun powder in my eye just so I can see something interesting. Which got me wondering, if it isn't here, then what is the worst city in America?
Posts: 726 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 6/15/2007 8:10:19 AM
even though i never watched a minute of sopranos - i've read enough bitching or blowjobs about the finale to appreciate your opening, gunny.
alba is rocking a burly moose knuckle in that photo. she looks ridiculous.
Q&A 1. didnt watch - but it appears that the creator of the show wants to be taken more seriously than he probably deserves. 2. a dui - $12,000 two counts driving on restricted license - $ 7,500 finally calling a cab to carry your coked out ass home - priceless. 3. detroit - cold, crappy, & corrupt. sign me up.
Posts: 311 Rank: 29 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 6/15/2007 9:18:20 AM
1. I didnt watch eaither, but I have heard a lot of bitching about it. I guess I'll have to wait till I see it to have an opinion.
2. "This is way horrible! I was like such a good role-model to like American girls, and now it's all like gone! Wait...maybe they it's the coke talking. OHMYGOSH! AM I REALLY A DIRTY SKANK?!"
3. Jackson, Its a little Detroit, with all the characteristics that Deuce just described, but with a mix of gangstah wanna-bes and rednecks. I am really surprised they do not kill each other more frequently. Maybe it's because of our superhero Captain Jackson.
Posts: 171 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Cherry Hill, NJ
Posted: 6/15/2007 10:07:37 AM
Thank you for the reference to ispycameltoe.com-one of the worst ideas in modern porn.
1. I haven't watched since season 2 (no more HBO), but from what I hear it sucked. 2. "I hope this video doesn't show up on Ispycameltoe.com." 3. Newark, NJ. How would you like to live in the pus infected boil in the nation's armpit.
Posts: 31 Rank: 79 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 6/15/2007 10:11:40 AM
...a great way to start a Friday Napalm.
- I liked the Sopranos. Couldn't have a blood bath ending - although I'm ticked that A.J. didn't kick it.
- "Pretty Plllleeaass!!! I'm going to be in jail for a month and a half - just let me borrow your nightstick for the ride there. Little Princess is hungry!"
- Des Moise, IA. It's like someone is playing a joke on you. Unless its relay weekend - its toilet.
Alba has exposed. Deuce that woman is so fine, she could never look ridiculous. I'd do a shot of her piss just to see where it came from. But really fuck both those movies.
1. This is the problem, and the biggest compliment on the Sopranos - everyone is comparing it to classic movies. It's so easy in comparison to keep a vibe going for two or even three hours, but this "movie" as it's being judged lasted 87 hours. It's fucking impossible to do what the Godfather did for 87 hours. This was a different category of art. This was a fake documentary. Look what the actual life is like, and more real generally equals less cool, less stylish, more... regular life. And I think the show in general did it brilliantly. I love some fuckin Journey, so I was glad that a show that had great music as its cornerstone went out with a great anthem. my opinion - brilliant, but comparisons don't work.
2. She's just crying because the cop blocked the camera angle to her gap shot.
3. I'm going to vote for Cleveland as the worst city in America, horrible sports teams, that are perennial losers (even with constant high draft picks), and the place is just a shit hole with weird semi-midwesterners minus the manners. The only upside is -Canton and the HOF - half hour away.
Posts: 410 Rank: 14 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 6/15/2007 10:23:51 AM
Question #3
While the mountains save it from being the worst place in America it is a front runner:
SALT LAKE CITY
Reasons:
1) State run liquor stores. There are about 5 or 6 stores total, they are EXTREMELY expensive, you cannot buy kegs, and the latest they are open is 10 PM.
2) Everything is closed on Sunday.
3) The Invertion. During the winter the mountains trap all the fog and cold, including the crap hovering over the great salt lake, which makes it freezing cold, wet, and miserable.
4) Ridiculously hot girls. Why is this a problem you ask? You have to marry them to touch them. Biggest cock tease EVER.
5) Mormoms with no tolerance for anyone not in their cult...er I mean religion.
Posts: 916 Rank: 9 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 6/15/2007 10:36:06 AM
I was sure black people didn't even know this movie existed.
1) The ending of the Sopranos was fitting, but anti-climatic at best. But I guess, like AB said, that is how it is in real life. All in all, it was good series.
2) "This is soooo NOT hot.....boo hoo!" (Is the guy in the reflection in the window flipping Paris the one-fingered salute?)
3) Millington, Tennessee. This shit hole has one strip club in town and most of the strippers have C-section scars or massive meat curtains. Oh yeah, they also have a used car dealership...
Posts: 88 Rank: 35 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 6/15/2007 10:38:09 AM
1. How can you not be silly when having "boat drinks" with a person named "Treat"?
2. That's Hot.
3. Gary, Indiana. It smells like pure sulfur and ass, everyone is pissy, and it's damn near impossible to drive out of that region on the expressway, because everyone there is trying to flee the shit which is Gary. The only good thing about Gary is it's relative proximity to Chi-town, and the 100 fireworks stores that litter the expressway.
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Why is the T-1000 fighting an orange rockpile looking Vic Mackey while riding a long board that makes him look stupider than Snake Pliskin surfing the LA River? Oh, wait that's the long underrated Marvel superhero the Silver Surfer finally making his big screen debut in the guise of 12 year old special effects and Larry Fishburne trying to get his James Earl Jones on as the voice. But don't get your hopes up fanboys. This might as well be an issue of "What If" for all its inaccuracies. First of all, yes, the Silver Surfer was kind of a bad guy while working as a herald for the planet wrecking Galactus, but even with his "Power Cosmic" he did not phase though walls, which is his new trick in the 90 minutes of life sapping fluff. Second Galactus was a giant humanoid figure with a crazy purple horned helmet, so why the fuck is he portrayed as a cloud in this movie? Would it have really been a stretch to have a giant intergalactic planet eater in a gay pink and purple suit in a movie that already contains a rockman, a guy who turns into fire, a blackman on a flying surfboard and a silly putty man? The only good news is the accuracy department is that Doctor Doom's return is in a costume at least somewhat like his original.
There's a Hollywood ghost in the house of the teenage super-sleuth and her clothes look older than Jessica Tandy's training bra, but somehow that's not the mystery in this movie. The mystery is figuring out why people keep referring to its star Emma Roberts as the niece of Julia Roberts? How can you just skip right over her dad like that? Eric Roberts is a fucking pimp. Come on, Best of the Best 2, The Prophecy 2, and National Treasure? Shit that motherfucker even landed a part on "Heroes". I mean, this guy is a split vagina hair away from being the next Christopher Walken. He's got almost 200 imdb entries for Christ's sake. Yet his selfish greedy sister even steals his thunder with seed of his own loins. Despicable. The only way Emma should be associated with her famous aunt before her famous dad is if she were to star in Pretty Woman 2 and do the one thing her aunt forgot to do, which is to strip down and bone. Seriously who makes an R-rated movie about a hooker with a heart of gold where the hooker doesn't get butt ass naked? That would be as pointless as an Eddie Murphy flick without jokes. Wait they do that. But dammit they shouldn't. Eddie Murphy movies should be funny, and movies with Roberts women should have titties. So I guess what I'm saying is that Nancy Drew sucks because it needs more bare breasts, or something…
