Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Always be sure to read your job description.
In case you don’t follow the NFL too closely, the Cleveland Browns recently traded quarterback Trent Dilfer to the San Francisco 49ers for quarterback Ken Dorsey and a draft pick. To the common football fan, this was the equivalent of swapping poop for pee. However, there may be more to this trade than most think. Many NFL insiders feel that the true motivation for this move by Cleveland was to reunite Dorsey with his college teammate, Kellen Winslow. Many feel that Dorsey would provide a positive influence for Winslow. This is the same Kellen Winslow who lost a shitload of contract incentives after missing all of last season due to a motorcycle crash (a motorcycle crash where he hit a curb in a parking lot and had no license, or helmet). Obviously, NFL contracts do not protect players who are injured in this fashion. Kellen is very lucky to be able to return to the Browns this season. Cleveland wants to avoid any further lapses in judgment by Winslow. Dorsey may be the answer.
When the season begins and the final rosters are filled, Ken Dorsey will be listed as a back-up quarterback. In actuality, he will be much more than that. Ken Dorsey will be Cleveland’s Dumbass Egomaniac Tight End Babysitter (or DETEB for short). His main duties will be to guide Winslow in the right direction, help him make proper decisions, and to ultimately keep him healthy when he is off of the playing field. It will not be an easy undertaking.
CLEVELAND BROWNS TRAINING CAMP: DAY 1 (morning)
6:47 a.m. – Dorsey awakens to find Winslow’s cot empty. He wanders outside to find Kellen lighting fireworks outside of their dormitory. Kellen is rapping a Three Six Mafia song into a lit M80 firecracker, pretending that it is a microphone. Dorsey knocks the explosive from his hand just before it explodes. Dorsey explains that tight ends need their hands to catch passes and block; furthermore, miniature dynamite (when held) has a high probability of turning your hand into something resembling splattered spaghetti. Kellen responds that he is a “soldier,” flexes his biceps, and stomps back into their dormitory room. Ken sighs as disaster is averted.
7:24 a.m. – Dorsey and Kellen are enjoying a team breakfast in the training facility cafeteria. Dorsey walks away for a moment to refill their beverages. When he returns, he realizes that Kellen is attempting to eat shards of broken glass. Dorsey knocks the various pieces of glass from the table and explains to Kellen that shards of glass are extremely harmful to the digestive system. Kellen nods his head in agreement. Dorsey smiles but soon realizes that Kellen is scooping pieces of glass off of the floor and putting them into his pocket to eat later. Dorsey reminds Kellen that eating glass is bad for you. Kellen responds that he was sorry and forgot. Dorsey takes a deep breath and reminds himself that anything is better than being back in San Francisco.
8:43 a.m. – Dorsey and Kellen are suiting up for the first practice of the day. Dorsey brushes his teeth and realizes that Kellen is not in the room anymore. He rushes outside to find Kellen riding around the parking lot on his motorcycle doing handstands. Dorsey pleads for him to get down and explains to Kellen that the motorcycle is what got him into trouble the year before. Kellen replies that he is wearing a helmet this time. Dorsey replies that a sombrero is not actually a helmet. Kellen refutes that Dorsey “is not the boss of (him)” and runs back into the dormitory, crying.
8:48 a.m. – Dorsey finds Kellen back inside the dorm room, juggling knives. Dorsey carefully removes the knives from Kellen and chooses not to comment on the situation. Kellen punches the wall in anger (Luckily, Dorsey took a proactive stance and had the walls of their room padded before training camp).
... and you thought that was frustrating, Ken.
9:12 a.m. – Dorsey straps Kellen into his protective child seat on the back of a golf cart and heads to the practice field. Dorsey drives very cautiously as Kellen pleads to surf like Teen Wolf on the top of the golf cart. Dorsey counts to ten and reminds himself again that this situation is still better than playing in Frisco.
9:18 a.m. – Dorsey and Kellen arrive at practice. They are healthy and ready to go. One day down, the rest of training camp, preseason, and the regular season to go.
I wish Dorsey the best of luck with his new job. I know he’ll do well. It’s also nice to see that Ken and Kellen are still being owned by a team from Ohio.
very well done! my college roommate was Dorsey's running back in high school. they all called him dorky dorsey -- for the obvious, above-stated reasons. hopefully he'll have some influence over winslow, but Dorsey's clout is about as impressive as his NFL passer rating.
turdburgler
ha!
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 1:40:59 AM
Absolutely effing hilarious. I especially loved the last OSU jab in the closing line.
"I'M A SOLDIER" no, you're a fucking twit. go pound sand.
JPM
Nice
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 8:42:05 AM
Winslow is an asshole who does not deserve to play in the NFL. He dad started his whole selfish streak by convincing his son that 99.9% of college coaching staffs are racist and that he should only go to a school with numerous black coaches.
Even though I hate Miami, OSU did not really win that game. The flag came in very late and replay shows that the ball could not have been caught.
Who care though, nice article.
Andy VanHellemond
Good Article
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 10:36:14 AM
Ed Hochuli is not around, apparently, so I'll take this:
Do not directly engage.
Repeat - do not directly engage.
It's a trap - just be bigger.
B
just great
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 10:40:11 AM
One of the best in a while. This hopefully ends the latest streak of terrible articles.
Loved the OSU line. I have that game on DVD.
Pat
well done
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 10:46:02 AM
I laughed. It will be great when Winslow can actually play so that Joey Porter can own his ass across the middle.
Ed Hochuli
Andy-
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 10:55:56 AM
Thanks for covering; I was busting out a few extra shoulder press sets this morning, lost track of time, and hustled out of the gym and forgot my "yellow laundry." I had my whistle, but had to turn around, or else I'd just look silly blowing a whistle with no penalty flags to throw.
UGH!
JPM
Correction
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 11:04:06 AM
His dad, not "he" dad. I was trying to give all of the little breast feeding babies something to do this early in the week.
And if you assholes think I am making this story up watch the segment ESPN did on Winslow.
Ed Hochuli
PHWEEEEEEETTT
()
Post #: 9
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 11:11:36 AM
I'm a little tight/ sore, but I can still throw this thing!!! That's 2 false starts, # '76 on the offense, 5 yards, repeat 2nd down.
JPM
Real Mature
()
Post #: 10
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/15/2006 11:17:22 AM
Posing as a ref, throwing flags...you are so mature. How old are we again?
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
