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If this doesn't work, he can always, uhhh...best of luck!
U.S. Sprinter To Have Voluntary Operation
NEW YORKâ€" U.S. sprinter Tyson Gay, after a disappointing showing in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, is taking performance enhancement to levels Victor Conte never dreamed of.
He's amputating his legs.
Gay explained that he's based his decision on the recent uproar caused by fellow sprinter Oscar Pistorius of South Africa. Pistorius, due to a rare birth defect, was born without bones in his legs below his knees, and therefore uses artificial sprinting carbonite blades to run, which were recently deemed allowable in Olympic competition, but only after considerable debate.
After a lengthy appeals process against track and field's governing body, the I.A.A.F., he was able to have its original ruling overturned: that having no legs somehow gives you a competitive advantage.
"When you think about it," said Gay, "those blades that guy uses are lighter than real legs, so that means that there'd be no way he'd be that fast if he had real calves, ankles, shins and feet, holding him back."
In an interview with The New York Times on May 15, 2007, I.A.A.F representative Elio Locatelli stated flatly that he finds it unfair that somebody who doesn't have real legs with real nerves, muscles and joints would be allowed to compete against disadvantaged, able-bodied competition.
"With all due respect, we cannot accept something that provides advantages," explained Locatelli. "It affects the purity of sport. Next will be another device where people can fly with something on their back."
Locatelli could not comment on whether rocket-pack racing is being considered as a prospective event for future competitions.
The I.A.A.F. also disclosed its fears that Pistorius could fall and injure himself, or possibly obstruct other competitors in such a fall.
Bill Belichick is ordering his entire secondary to get The Pistorius Special.
It is unknown what would happen in such an unlikely event, since no one has ever tripped, fallen or injured his or herself in any race in written history, according to the Elias Sports Bureau.
Gay's coach, Lance Brauman, is backing his star protege 100 percent.
"With Jamaica looking so dominant in track and field, it's become apparent that, in order for Tyson to compete at an international level, he needs to take drastic measures," said Brauman. "All I'm saying is, carbon fiber doesn't cramp up in the last 50 meters. And they don't call it your Achilles' tendon because it's a source of strength.
"Besides, you can't even take a Benadryl and pass a piss test any more, so we've been contemplating alternative advantages for some time, and what with the road being paved for artificial limbs, we think it's a sound decision."
Brauman is familiar with sound decisions. He's currently serving a one-year sentence at the Texarkana Federal Correctional Institution in Texas, after being charged with five counts related to paying athletes for work not performed at a community college where he was once an employee. As a result, he had to resign from his prestigious position as a track coach at the University of Arkansas, a perennial power house in the sport.
He was the only person sentenced to hard time in the multi-person scandal, with everyone else being smart enough to take the plea deals that were offered.
While one would figure that, when common sense fails, there would be some kind of law preventing this, but, not surprisingly, there are few blockades to overcome.
"Elective surgery knows almost no boundaries," said Dr. Brad Jacobs, M.D., who has volunteered to perform the procedure. "If you want to have tits the size of trash cans, you can get tits the size of trash cans. If you want to look like a cat like that batshit-crazy bitch, well, look at her"she looks like a deformed fucking cat. You just need the money, a signed waiver and a willing doctor, and for this kind of exposure, I'm quite willing.
"Victor Conte did make a shit ton of money before it all went to hell, you know," continued Jacobs. "Do you know many wannabes and never-will-bes will pay me to get their legs hacked off so that they can go from last to second-to-last in high school track? Actually, the improvement is all hypothetical. It sounds stupid to me, but, hey, that's why you get the waiver.
"And the cash. Upfront."
With 26 malpractice suits against the once-renowned New York plastic surgeon, he could certainly use the good publicity.
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