Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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Dear Brady,
I want to start off by saying that the past two years have been the most fantastic and romantic years of my life so far. You have treated me like a princess and I love you in a way that I simply can't express through the written word. Your spiky hair and chin-strap beard still get me all giddy and I totally love your pink Hollister shirts.
However, something hasn't been right for the past few weeks. There's no easy way to lead into this, so I guess I'll just have to come out and say it. We need to take a break from our relationship. I just haven't felt complete. It's like I'm a puzzle and, like, pieces are missing...you know? It's totally weird and it makes me feel all icky.
The only way I am going to get this all cleared up is to take some time off from our relationship and find myself. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect solution. "Finding myself" will make everything better. It won't be easy, and it will probably take some time. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm going on this quest for the both of us. The following are some places I will probably be looking.
Possible Location 1: Various Male Urethras
I'm thinking that I may find "myself" in a male urethra. I'm not sure what it is, but a voice in my head is totally telling me that "myself" may be hiding out there. Think of "myself" as Osama Bin Laden. Now, think of every male urethra in the tri-county area as an individual cave in the Middle East. The United States has spent six fucking years searching for that scum-bucket-bastard. "Myself" is equally as elusive. I am definitely going to need to search a whole bunch of urethras if I want to be successful. I'll probably have to smoke "myself" out by any means necessary. "Myself" can run, but it can't hide. The bitch's days are numbered.
Possible Location 2: The Bottom of Beer Bottles, Mixed Drinks, and Wine Glasses
"Myself" is one tricky son of a bitch. I wouldn't put it past that asshole to be decked out in full scuba gear at the bottom of any number of random alcoholic beverage containers. Sure, there are an overwhelming amount of alcoholic receptacles to search, but I have time, determination, and a long family history of alcohol-driven promiscuity. It is possible that I may need to widen this search to include more urethras, but the odds of finding "myself" will increase with the more territory I scour. I'll clutch the diamond necklace you gave me and hold it close to my heart with every location I search.
Location 3: Boats Owned by Old Rich Guys
"Myself" has always been a big fan of gigantic yachts. I have a wild hunch that the fucker may have resorted to a life at sea to avoid being located. I'll probably have to search an endless assortment of gigantically luxurious vessels owned by old rich guys who love to take advantage of loose, gold-digging floozies. As much as it sickens me, I will fight through this in order to put right what has tragically gone so wrong. Pray for me, baby. A small part of me dies every time that I stumble on the deck and spill my drink wearing nothing but a captain's hat. I miss you.
Location 4: Stripper Poles and Porno Sets
As embarrassing as it may sound, I wouldn't put it past "myself" to be hiding-out in the seedy world of adult entertainment. I only say this because I know how elusive that "myself" can be. What better place to hide is there than in the middle of a twelve-person-gangbang in the back of a mud-filled dump-truck? Shit, with all of that genitalia and sludge flapping about, "myself" could remain absent for eternity. I owe it to the both of us to uncover this mystery. Even if I have to wrap my vagina around a pole for nights on end, I will not give up. You have my word, baby.
This will all be so worth it one day. We'll be married and have a perfect family. I love you. Wait for me : - )
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