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Fuck stupid people. No one likes them. Of the numerous things that really piss me off, stupid people account for the vast majority. One thing that drives me to my absolute breaking point is when I see a doe-eyed, overweight housewife, whimpering, and gazing in astonishment at a psychic’s every word on television.
“Can you talk to my dead grandma?” a semi-retarded, toothless woman pleads. Her hand is cupped by Montel Williams.
“I am seeing her now. She says she loves you. She is saying something about a kitchen,” the amazing psychic responds.
“A kitchen? Holy shit! My grandma lived in a house with a kitchen!” shouts the woman.
I almost choke on my Slim-jim. She’ll question the psychic more. I mean, she won’t buy it that easily… right? This psychic will have to prove it with a hell of a lot more detailed information than that. No one is that dumb. Nope. No way. Hold on... she isn’t questioning it. She’s clapping and crying. People are applauding the psychic. What in the fuck is going on? All of a sudden, I realize that I am punching myself in the face and turn the television off. What could this woman really offer society? Besides a “Don’t go there!” t-shirt, not much.
Stupid people, while entertaining at times, slow the progress of life, and make being in public frustrating as hell. I could go on for hours about it. Anyone could. The one thing that we can all agree on is that there are too many dumb fucking people in the world today. Instead of just bitching about it, I have a solution. I have a noble idea for the assholes that make you scream in your car, and throw dishes and cutlery at your dog. No, my idea is not a psychotic, murderous solution, like Hitler, or Darth Vader would come up with. It is just an option that would help improve the quality of life.
Dumb people should be tagged. Like the animals they match in intellect, they can be avoided and tracked.
You believe a psychic is real because she told you that your uncle said he loves and misses you from beyond the grave...
Tag.
You applaud because a psychic told someone else that their uncle said he loved and missed them from beyond the grave...
Tag.
You shoot your friend with a shotgun while hunting for quail…
Tag.
Basic Instinct 2 (Sharon Stone stripped of make-up and CGI.
While driving, you come to a complete stop before you make a right-hand turn…
Tag.
You go to see Basic Instinct 2…
Tag.
The minute someone illustrates stupidity this horrendously, they should be pointed out. We would have a warning when we were about to encounter a person with an I.Q. the equivalent of a urinal cake. The advantages would be astounding. Think of the shitheads you could avoid. Think of how much this feature could improve dating.
Guy 1: “She’s pretty fucking hot. I’m gonna go get her number.”
Guy 2: “Dude, she’s wearing an ankle tag that warns that her I.Q. is that of a 12 year old… panda”
Guy 1: “I know. Awesome!”
Men would immediately start scoring at remarkable percentages. Frat-guy high-fives would grow exponentially. Another solid advantage of tagging stupid people would be their sudden elimination from the workplace. Employers would know if it was too much to ask of someone to say hamburger names into a microphone. Having a tag would surely increase the amount of times one would hear, “Sorry, tagfuck, you are not qualified.”
Employment problems would never threaten the country again. People who deserved jobs would actually get them. People who could do jobs would actually do them. We could dump all of the tagged people in the Great Plains somewhere. We could build a giant fence around them and blink flashlights and whistle to keep them entertained. We could even give them viewmasters to help pass the time. Stupid people love viewmasters. A gigantic amount of job opportunities would develop for simply securing the dumb people as they play with thier beloved viewmasters. We could even throw a couple of cameras in there and make reality shows about the Great Plains Stupid People. The great part of it is that most of our favorite reality stars would still be on the air. Zing.
Our world would run so much more smoothly. Things would get done more quickly and there would be greater time for vacation and travel. If you’re questioning this plan, you will get tagged.
Stupid people love viewmasters.
There would have to be one small catch to this glorious plan. We would definitely have to keep a few of the dumb people around to do the jobs that the non-stupid people wouldn’t want. Once that was all figured out, it would be smooth sailing. Start tagging!
Great article! Very entertaining. I especially like the part where the author talked about how my shitty fuckin' A's cap attracts more flies that a fresh mound of german shepherd shit. I've got more fuckin' body hair than George "the animal" Steele. Me naked = bigfoot sighting. I'm Victor French Goddammit! I rol a 77' LTD SHITBOX (it's a Ford) I want your vote! Vote FRENCH in 2012.
»Uprok«
French
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Posted: 4/4/2006 6:14:29 AM
You use the first comment space to post stupid similes and corny jokes.
TAG.
STeve
FRENCH
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Posted: 4/4/2006 7:11:00 AM
If your a frog...
Automatic tag
JPM
Your Name Is Victor French
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Posted: 4/4/2006 7:51:18 AM
Tag...
JDR
Nice...
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Posted: 4/4/2006 9:10:44 AM
Good Article Juan. 4 MFDS... French's post actually had me laughing a bit......
Havok
YES!
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Posted: 4/4/2006 9:32:54 AM
"an IQ the equivalent of a urinal cake" = best line ever
Dave
Hate to Hate, but . . .
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Posted: 4/4/2006 9:33:09 AM
Doesn't one of the guys from the Blue Collar Comedy tour do this exact bit? Not Foxworthy, not the Cable Guy, one of the other guys. It's like the focus of his act (although he says stupid people should have signs, not tags.)
And, yes, I've watched Blue Collar Comedy tour. So even though I'm a Jew from NYC, I suppose I jus' maht be a redneck.
Christine
Dave
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Posted: 4/4/2006 10:13:19 AM
You automatically get tagged for admitting that. Juan has never seen a sliver of the blue collar comedy tour, therefore, it would be impossible for him to plagiarize. He is a man of pure genius and deserves your utmost respect. It is not only refreshing, but an honor to read an article by such an astounding author, who not only has the sheer brilliance to capture the everyday blunders of the American people, but has the ability to be 100% accurate every time. Anyone else to pick up a pen pales in comparison to Juan's intense sardonic wit. He is man of passion and integrity that can not be matched.
And yes, I have been tagged years ago. Turlington/French 2012!
Patrick M
a
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Posted: 4/4/2006 10:13:58 AM
On behalf of the Crazy Lady in Room 327, I take offense at your comparison with Sharon Stone.
Provo
I'm Not Religious, BUT.......
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Posted: 4/4/2006 10:34:20 AM
AMEN!!!
Although, would we have enough TAGs?
Secondly, I move that we have them "fight to the finish"!! If you think about it, its a win-win!!!
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