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There are qualities inherent to each age category of the female dating population. I've dipped my proverbial toe in the water of most of them. Albeit unsuccessfully, and brrr, goddamn the water was usually cold. But in doing so, I managed to come up with a few observations worth sharing.
I've decided to break down the most relevant age classifications of women swimming around in that bountiful body of water known as the Sea of Promiscuity. Below is what you can expect from each of them.
(For the sake of simplicity, let's pretend our protagonist is exactly thirty years of age.)
15-20 Years Old
I don't care what Johnny Law says, if she can drive, she's fair game. (Eeek, that felt creepy.) Alright, I'll revise: if she's enrolled in college, it's fair game. There. Much better. That leaves the 15-20 age group classification somewhat reduced, but no less potent than any of the following that I shall detail in this piece.
What could an 18 year old girl and a 30 year old male possibly have in common you ask? I'll take "sexual bliss" for a $1,000, Alex. Just don't be her first or you should expect to be stalked at some point.
Eighteen to twenty year old females are absolute children when it comes right down to it. If you're 30 and having sexual relations with someone in this age category, you're a pretty dirty fella. Your friends may high-five you and shower you with legendary praise while in your presence, but when they go home and cuddle (reluctantly), post-coital, with their girlfriends of more similar ages, they verbally torch your perverted ass.
However, I must admit that as you walk around your "pet's" sorority in boxers at two in the morning, you're clearly having the last laugh. Just don't let her father find out or you're meat.
Pros
1. Body - Duh. It's as taut as a snare drum. 2. Political ignorance - She most likely hasn't even entertained if she's a liberal or conservative yet, so potential political conversation booby traps aren't even on the horizon. 3. Friends - She has friends the same age. Giddyup.
Cons
1. Clingy - You're teaching her things she never knew were possible. There are repercussions. 2. Clueless - "Like, no way, really?" 3. Cafeteria food - And you thought you were done with it.
21-25 Years Old
As a thirty year old male, dating a 21-25 year old girl is like sitting on a changeup out over the plate with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth and catching it on your Louisville Slugger's sweetspot. It's outta here; walk-off dinger. There's really nothing better.
I've always believed that once a man eclipses that monumental rental car benchmark of twenty-five years old and beyond, the perfect age for your respective mating partner is minus seven years. These young ladies have just the right amount of experience with a touch of maturity and still maintain the always sought after carefree attitude.
If you're approaching thirty or above and contemplating marriage, something I would know nothing about of course, this is the only female age category which won't result in the author arriving at your wedding, uninvited, and standing up at the ceremony in protest when the Justice of the Peace inquires "if anyone here has any reason as to why these two should not...."
Pros
1. Body - It's still taut, but more like a kettle drum now: a little looser, but still makes cool sounds when you tap it. (Pun absolutely intended.) The difference is barely discernible. 2. Resume - Perfect amount of experience in the rack. 3. Friends - This one still applies of course: she has friends the same age. Giddyup again.
Cons
1. Ex-boyfriend - There's always one from college lurking. The last thing you need is competition. 2. Promiscuity - She's most likely knee-deep in her "I just want to see what's out there" phase, and as a result, will cheat on you with reckless abandon. 3. Career - There's a potential for her to turn into a sincere, professional working woman who cares for nothing but her job. Who will serve your needs?
26-30 Years Old
Be careful. They're really focused now. With the exception of only the very few, girls in this category mean fucking business. They've most likely been hurt very badly by this point in their relationship lifespan and trust you - and every guy for that matter - about as far a nickel hooker could spit your swimmers. Tread lightly and play smartly, because she ain't no dummy. Unless you catch her on the rebound, meaningless sex is not an entree on her menu. Pros
Ah, what was I talking about again?
1. Figure - A full body overhaul is underway. She knows the sand is running out in her hour glass and is a workout fanatic as a result. 2. Sports fan - Probably doesn't like sports at all actually, but is smart enough to know that pretending she does helps her cause. Sneaky chicks man, sneaky chicks indeed. 3. Sexual experimentation - She's like Perry Mason at this point: building her case. Cons
1. Nuptials - She's starting to think about marriage. 2. $avvy - She knows she doesn't have to pay for anything by now. 3. Direct - The inevitable "Why did you break up with your last girlfriend?" inquisition has moved up in the rotation from the fifth to the first date. No playing around at this point.
31-35 Years Old
Welcome. You've officially entered the Cougar's Den. Keep peroxide handy for occasional claw scratches. More importantly, make sure to count her birth control pills while she's in the bathroom, because at this age, intentional impregnation is a completely realistic scenario.
Take notice of how many times she asks you to repeat what you just said. No, it's not premature hearing loss induced by her college and high school cheerleading days. Rather, it's that her biological clock is ringing so loudly in her head that it drowns out everything else. In smaller towns, this transformation occurs in the earlier age bracket, but in big cities, this panicked state of mind erupts in this one. Regardless, they're helpless against nature's power.
Pros
1. Sexual Bliss - Hitting the sack is like getting called out of the audience to participate in the Cirque du Soleil. It's a wild ride. 2. Intelligence - You can actually carry on a decent conversation and she might even read. 3. Fringe Benefits - Her friends are deviant, horny temptresses and would think nothing about bedding you down behind her back.
Cons
1. Weddings - You'll be attending a lot of them. Because every one of her friends will be getting hitched...for the second time. 2. Gravity - You just can't stop aging and it's effect on the female frame. Sadly, it's often not their fault, but that's irrelevant. 3. Ex-boyfriend stories - There's bound to be a lot them (ex-boyfriends that is) and you're under constant comparison.
36-40 Years Old
They've most likely given up on the hopes of child rearing by now. Or, maybe they've even done it already. But don't worry, if she did pop out a couple, she'll hide them at Grandma's house for months as if they were lepers. You know, to keep from scaring you away like a frightened chipmunk. Either way, this age group can be fun times. For example: they can pick out the best wine on the menu without the aid of a sommelier. And she may even pay for it too. Pros
1. Fockers - Meeting the parents at this point isn't a concern. She doesn't even bother anymore. 2. Variety - Pubic shaving and implements are completely reasonable introductions into your nightly repertoire. 3. Pets - She hasn't yet resorted to owning a cat as her sole, reliable source of companionship.
Cons
1. Baggage - You'll be that guy at Chucky Cheese walking around with two screaming kids telling everyone they're not yours. 2. Twilight of Her Career - Her body is akin to Mariano Rivera in the later stages of his career: just doesn't get it done as often anymore. 3. Alpha Hydroxy - There's no room in the medicine cabinet for your toofbrush because of all her anti-aging cremes. 41-45 Years Old
Dating someone in this category is like going into the 12th inning, already having used up every arm in your bullpen, and asking your backup first baseman to throw a couple innings. You're at the end of your leash.
(Twenty-Second Timeout: Shutup, it's baseball season and I'm excited. I'll use as many of these references as I want. Get over it.)
However, it's rather stress free because, even without saying it, you both know what you're in this thing for and that's to use one another physically. YOU have always wanted to get down with an older woman and SHE is sick of cleaning up discarded Viagra packaging from her nightstand. That's called mutual convenience. Make the most of it. Pros
1. Sustenance - You'll probably eat home cooking as good as Mom used to make, because she most likely is one. Therefore... 2. Reverse Graduate - Her daughters could be hot. 3. Fringe Benefits - Her friends are deviant, horny temptresses and would think nothing about bedding you down behind her back. I feel like I already said this. But this time they're more the desperate housewives type as opposed to the aspiring desperate housewives type.
*She's probably into the rough stuff at this point so if you're down with getting the shit beaten out of you during sex, bump this up into the "Pros" category. If not, bump it down into the "Cons," you big pussy. Cons
1. Inflation - She wants to go to hotels to "make love." It can get expensive. 2. Spelunking - You can probably put your hands and feet in "there" along with "it." 3. Hot Flashes - Menopausal symptoms are confusing and difficult to cope with. And you were just starting to get the hang of menstruation for Christ's sake.
Damn you Chuck Norris AND your irresistible beard.
46-50+
That's gross, man. Unless she's Christie Brinkley of course.
"... and the only prescription... is more L. McCoy." First The Footloose experience...now this... man - McCoy whatever you're sellin' I'm buying. Great job. Keep em coming.
Courtney
Oh MY GOD
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Posted: 5/4/2005 12:08:01 PM
Matt McCoy, I am in love with you, I fit nicely into category two and this is the best thing I have ever read. Please keep writing - and call me.
Ricky
Amazing
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Posted: 5/4/2005 1:22:13 PM
Dude, this is by far the most accurate of articles ever posted on this website. in my opinion you should expand on this knowledge and write a book. imagine the $$$ that can be made from 16 yr olds on up to old men still looking to date chicks half their age. you are a genious!!!
Laziejim
MMMMM
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Posted: 5/4/2005 1:33:29 PM
mmmm....USC Cheerleaders *drools*
Theo
DON't FORGET
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Posted: 5/4/2005 2:37:30 PM
You should add the fact that the first two categories are perfect for a guy who's just plain crap in bed because she's unlikely to have enough experience to be able to know the difference.
Danny
Well Done
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Posted: 5/4/2005 2:42:47 PM
Anyone who loves women, appreciates all age groups. This makes me want to alternate leagues every other month. At least while I am still eligilbe to play in all of them. Enter the Sandman
JUST CALL ME CHRISTIE
IN YOUR WORLD
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Posted: 5/4/2005 3:32:57 PM
Although I found your posting amusing, Mattie......I don't fit into any of your "categories". As a 47 year-old woman who is in the gym five days a week I find that weight training tightens EVERYTHING. I wouldn't trade my appearance with another woman of any age. When I finally became bored with the 20+ & 30+ boy toys I sought out a man of similar age that has the same mind-set as I do about physical fitness. A strong sexy body and a brain......go figure.
Lew
AGE BIAS
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Posted: 5/4/2005 5:01:27 PM
Very funny, but obviously biased by your age. Address this topic again when you are 65. I'm sure it will read a lot differently.
Alexa
Wow
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Posted: 5/4/2005 8:08:18 PM
I'm blown away. This piece was amazing. McCoy needs his own column.
Adam
Buuuuuuuuuuull $hit
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Posted: 5/4/2005 8:42:05 PM
I think "Just call me christie" is really some woman in her early 30's panicking that no one will is going to love her. And if she really is who she says she is, it's obvious the guy is just using her for her taught body.
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