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Happier times, better songs.
It's baseball season, you son-bitches! More importantly, it's Ash Wednesday, the day Catholics walk around with funny dirt marks on their forehead. In the spirit of things, let's start this column out with a prayer: Please Lord, let big rump Roger Clemens take his 20% I'm-coming-out-of-retirement-odds to the Bronx and pitch for the Yankees. Pleassse.
We have much to cover in this week's installment of Players to be Named Later: from the scam that is alcoholism, to intentional impregnation, to a story of NBA gayness not yet told, to the Top 5 Retread Coaches of All Time. However, before we do, we'd like to first congratulate China and the more than 320,000 exuberant "volunteers" that recently applied for work at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. But considering China's sizeable population (despite the creepy one-child policy that no one really talks about) this all "volunteer" force is the approximate equivalent to 4 Americans signing up to volunteer for the '96 Atlanta Games. We're not impressed. People around the world are all looking forward to these Games immensely and regardless of whether they're actual volunteers, or members of the Falun Gong on forced work release, clueless visiting foreigners will be none the wiser.
Bill Joel
He's not Billy anymore. For reasons about to be disclosed: Alcoholism is a myth. We both drink all the time and dominate on a daily basis. We're what those cult leaders from A.A. would define as "functioning alcoholics." Whatever you want to call it, psychos! We're uber successful and get boku bitches. (Erroneous on both counts, but you get our drift.) This whole alcoholism as a disease movement has been dis-inspiring artists for decades now. It robs them of their creative soul.
Bill Joel is a perfect example of this absolute truth. This is a somewhat dated observation, but we as a society appear to have dealt him a sympathy card on this one so we need to call it out - Bill's Super Bowl national anthem was moribund at best. And it was in the rain - how apropos. It was the first time either of us has ever been sad during the national anthem - sad for Bill that's he no longer betrothed to the most beautiful face in the history of the world, sad for the fact that having an amazing head of hair at thirty doesn't mean shit when it comes to your follicles at 50, and sad that the Alcoholic Anonymous people stole another great talent from us all. We want him back on the sauce, pronto. Now he's no longer Billy the Kid to us, he's just a bald dude named Bill.
The Top Five Retread NFL Coaches of All Time
In honor of the hiring in San Diego of Norv Turner (career record; 58-82-1) to succeed Sir Chokes-a-Lot, here are the Top 5 Retread NFL Coaches of All Time. It's a list composed of coaches who knew nothing but failure in their careers, or next to nothing, which explains why Rich Kotite doesn't make it (hard to believe, but true- Kotite won a playoff game in Philadelphia). So has Norv Turner, although the win, in '99 with the Redskins, came over an 8-8 Lions team that has never won a game at Washington. So it is a playoff win, but barely.
It's pretty safe to assume that Norv, twice-fired in Washington and Oakland, will add a third shit-canning to his resume in San Diego at some point. As Bum Phillips said, there are two kinds of coaches: them that's been fired, and them that's gonna be fired. Norv's situation is especially precarious. He won't get credit for anything the Chargers do right this season and, barring catastrophic injuries, he will take blame for everything they do wrong. It's almost impossible for him to improve on the team's regular-season success. San Diego needs to go 15-1 and LT II needs to score 40 touchdowns for '07 to top '06, and neither will happen (especially the latter, something the holder of the first pick in next year's Stow-Kent Shopping Center League Draft knows all too well).
Basically, Norv Turner needs to go to the Super Bowl, next year. Considering only two of 32 teams get to the Super Bowl, it's a fairly tall order, least of all for a guy who has had exactly one playoff appearance in nine seasons as a head coach. Not to say it won't happen, but...
5. Joe Bugel Phoenix Cardinals (1990-93); Oakland Raiders (1997)
Career Record: 24-56
Number of Times Fired: 2
Joe Bugel won a lot of games as offensive line coach and master of the Hogs for the mighty Redskins in the early '80s. He didn't get anywhere near those heights for the Cardinals or the Raiders. Three of his five total seasons ended with 4-12 records. His best year was 1993; his Cardinals went a rootin-tootin' 7-9, and Bugel was fired as thanks for taking the team to such dizzying heights. His one-year tenure in Oakland was so horrible it actually shocked Al Davis into making a decent hire to succeed him (Jon Gruden).
4. Mike McCormack Philadelphia Eagles (1973-75); Baltimore Colts (1980-81); Seattle (1982)
Career Record: 29-51-1
Number of Times Fired: 2
A Hall of Fame tackle and a Hall of Shame coach, McCormack is one apple that fell off the Paul Brown tree, rolled down a hill onto a highway, and got squashed by an eighteen-wheeler. His 1981 Baltimore Colts team is probably the worst non-expansion team in the history of the modern NFL, and although that might not have been totally his fault, what happened to his '75 Eagles team was. Early in the season, following a tough loss to a bad Bears team, McCormack told a Philadelphia reporter that he had "two dogs" on his roster. He may have been right- he was probably underestimating, actually- but it was impolitic to say it in public. McCormack lost the locker room after the faux pa, the Eagles lost a lot of games in 1975, and after the season, the head coach lost his job.
3. Charley Winner St. Louis Cardinals (1966-70); New York Jets (1974-75)
Career Record: 44-44-5
Number of Times Fired: 2
The name was a lie. Charley was no winner, or at any rate not enough of one to merit a second look. Although he went over .500 three times in St. Louis, his teams were woefully inconsistent- they never managed to string together winning seasons- and on two occasions suffered wholesale December collapses that cost them divisional titles. Nevertheless, he was hired to succeed Weeb Ewbank as coach of the Jets, primarily because he was Weeb's son-in-law. After a year-and-a-half and a 9-14 record, Winner's marital status became moot. He was fired in mid-1975.
2. Marion Campbell Atlanta Falcons (1974-76); Philadelphia Eagles (1983-85); Atlanta Falcons (1987-89)
Career Record: 34-80-1
Number of Times Fired: 3
(editor's note: The photo is not of Marion Campbell the football coach. I could not find a photo of him, but this woman's name is also Marion Campbell, so I figured it would be good enough.) Campbell was a Georgia native and a star linebacker for the 'Dawgs back in the early '50s, so, being that he was local and 'good people', the Falcons were willing to give him another go in the late '80s despite him going 5-15 the first time around. It didn't work: Campbell went 11-32 in his second gig with the Falcons. In Philadelphia he was coordinator for the outstanding defenses the Eagles had under Dick Vermeil, and seemed a logical choice to succeed the burned-out Vermeil in 1983. He wasn't; the Eagles finished last in two of his three seasons at the Vets. Although as an assistant he was an asset to any staff, as a head coach he was so unsuccessful that, in all three cases in which he was fired, it was done so before the end of the season. His best record in any full season as a coach was 6-9-1.
1. Joe Kuharich Chicago Cardinals (1952); Washington Redskins (1954-58); Philadelphia Eagles
Career Record: 58-82-3
Number of Times Fired: 3
The one-time University of San Francisco coach spent a total of eleven years with three NFL teams and had a grand total of two winning seasons and zero postseason appearances to show for it. He also coached at Notre Dame and made Gerry Faust look like Knute Rockne, going a dismal 17-23 in four seasons under the Dome. Kuharich is best known for being probably the most hated coach in the history of the Eagles franchise; he traded Sonny Jurgenson for Norm Snead, started out 0-11 in his final season and worse yet, failed to go winless and guarantee the draft rights to O.J. Simpson. The Eagles team that compelled its fans to launch snowballs at Santa was a Joe Kuharich team. Strange fact: Kuharich's death, on January 25, 1981, came on the same day as the Eagles' first Super Bowl appearance (they were crushed 27-10 by the Raiders).
Bridget Moynahan
She was in her mid-30s and dating one of the most sought after stallions in the world. He had just purchased a $20+ million pad in the new Time Warner building in Manhattan's Columbus Circle. Six months later, Brady dumped Moynahan on her aging keister for Jack Dawson's hot, young underwear model ex-girlfriend: Gisele Bundchen. It was the classic young-girl, trade up maneuver. Can you fault him? Of course not, but Brady hasn't been his usual infallible self of late. First, he loses to Corky from "Life Goes On" in the AFC Championship Game and then the story breaks that Brady also moonlights as a hockey player, proverbially slipping one by Moynahan's goalie. He should have been smarter. While he had his eyes closed and was humping away on Moynahan like a cockerspaniel in heat, making the orgasm face and picturing Gisele riding his donkey, he thought he was shooting on Bridget's protected net. But Tom should've heard that biological clock going off in her ears...because as it turns out, he was really shooting on an empty net!
Come on, Ms. Moynahan was 35, sans husband, sans kid and as every aging cougar does when faced with this predicament, she duped her man. Two words: intentional impregnation. Whoops, who said that? Brady's official reaction as passed along by his professional representation: "I'm very excited." If by excited Brady's agent meant punching walls like Kevin Brown and sobbing like Brian Boitano after Brian Orser bit his nut too hard in the "men's" locker room in Calgary, then he was dead on. Speaking of nut nibbling...
Tim Hardaway
What hasn't been written about this retard's anti-gay hate tirade? Well, how 'bout the fact that Hardaway is actually gay? That's what hasn't been written. Though doth protest too much in our opinion. We believe that one night in a South Beach club - where anything goes - during either the 2000 or 2001 season, the straight as an arrow Hardaway tried out his killer crossover (giggle) on the well-known gay, John Amaechi, and was rebuffed with extreme flamboyancy. (Remember, they were both in Florida during those years.) Rumor has it that Timmy's tinkler didn't make muster for Big John Stud. And now "Tiny Tim" is pissed and projecting on the entire gay community. Don't hate, playah.
Phil Mickelson
Damn you man teets, we're off your bandwagon for good this time. First your epic collapse in the 2006 U.S. Open at Winged Foot. With the lead and on the 18th tee ya pulled out driver and sliced one into the corporate stiffs' hospitality tent on 18. Then your caddy shoved nine Titelists into his mouth and let you try and fire one over the tree. Game over, moron. We believe you said, "I still am in shock that I did that. I just can't believe I did that. I'm such an idiot." No shit, asshole!
Then came the 2006 Ryder Cup at the K Club. As a true patriot and someone who always dreamed of one day donning the colors and representing our great country on the field of play, your wretched 1-4 performance against those annoying Euros made us both ill. We were on the precipice, ready to leap off and forever break free from your loser tendencies. Then this past weekend's Nissan Open at the Riviera went down. Coughing up the lead to the grossly under-bitten and chinless Charles "Don't Call Me Thurston" Howell III, a perennial bridesmaid who hadn't won a PGA event in 4 years. We just can't take your shenanigans any longer. Ya big loser. Lastly, you no longer have the hottest wife on tour so we can't even respect you for that. It's over. And don't call me!
* We know Mark Martin has had a shitty week too, but neither of us know anything about Nascar. And we could care less. So apologies for not discussing him.
Posts: 768 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 2/21/2007 6:14:31 AM
The Moynahan paragraph is fuckin inspired. If I had a dime for every girlfriend who "forgot" her pill then "fell" down the stairs. Well, I'd have a shit-load of dimes and no domestic violence record. Also I wouldn't have to answer questions like "Why do you live in a 4 story walk up?"
Posts: 1517 Rank: 5 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 2/21/2007 7:57:22 AM
Are you a meth addict? You posted at 3:15 a.m. local time? No offense to the TPP staff, but the the only thing you should be doing at that time is drinking, fucking, doing drugs or driving to Vegas. Otherwise get some sleep.
Anyway, this was a helpful bit of journalism here. I really want to like Phil, but that cheeky cunt keeps dicking me over. I heard he pulled out an 8-iron from about 204 on the last hole. Not smart man-boobs.
And while I have to say that I enjoyed the Marion Campbell photo the Charley Winner pic is even better.
Agreed that all musicians that become decent and happen to hit the bottle too should be required to continue such consumption no matter how fat and bloated they get. Just keep rockin'.
Posts: 1026 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 2/21/2007 7:58:47 AM
gisele is tranny faced. fuck you, i said it. decent body but not great.. some pictures she looks ok but photoshop is a motherfucker. moynahan is much better looking, so maybe she pulled the goalie but i say better for brady.. it's like he was trying to trade in a '70 judge for a new nissan 350 z. just ain't the same..
great write-ups on billy joel & phil-anthropy mickelson (holy fuck if he gives another pga event away...)
Posts: 1026 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 2/21/2007 9:28:24 AM
aren't homosexuals (and others that found his remarks offensive) giving him a little too much credit?? i mean, if that's the kind of "adversity"* that you're up against, well, things could be worse...
* over/under on timmmaayy being able to spell "adversity" -anyone??
Posts: 1517 Rank: 5 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 2/21/2007 11:48:10 AM
I'm just pretty sure you're worng here. While I obviously wouldn't kick Moynahan out of bed it's an objective fact that Gisele is better looking. She just is. I know it, you know it, she knowws it and Tom knows it. Even her name is sexier. But, I'll admit that's a damn fine picture of Mynahan in the article.
And Tim Hardaway may be a fuckstick, but seriously who gives a shit? Sticking a microphone into everyone's face and keeping it there until say something "newsworthy" ain't exactly journalism. You know who else hates gays? Those guys who go to AIDS funerals with the "God Hates Fags" picket signs. But, they're total psychos so it ain't news. Lots of people do. The fact that someone has an opinion about someone else doesn't mean crap and them stating that opinion shouldn't be a headline.
hardaway is an idiot... but at least he's got an opinion. Though great point balls; just because the media dangles microphones everywhere, doesn't mean what's said should be news.
Besides, if pro athletes had the chance to say what they really felt without fear of media scrutiny, don't you think most of the nfl, nba, and MLB would bash them up some queers?
do you think mickleson strokes his Titleists the autoerotic asphyxiation? He's become such a champion in the art of choke, i figured he's been practicing at home too...
Posts: 207 Rank: 41 Joined:
1/15/2007
Location:
My mom doesnt live in texas, WA
Posted: 2/21/2007 12:12:15 PM
I just looked up Gisele Bunchen to refresh my memory and this pic came up of her wearing a bunch of polaroids. I dont care what you say, that is freaking hot! And she has a better accent than that other broad. I dunno man, Im sure you still wouldnt turn down Gisele; but if you keep saying shit like that, Tim Hardaway is really going to hate you.
Posts: 291 Rank: 25 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
, FM
Posted: 2/21/2007 12:53:19 PM
Look, he's a big black guy flossin' lots of gold. He's obviously into heavy white chicks and Gisele just doesn't have enough meat on her bones. (insert joke about bone in her meat here...).
How Tim Hardaway feels about homosexuals incredibly un-newsworthy. Up there with Spears shaving her head. And while Anna Nicole dying is partially interesting just because of the legal havoc it creates, I was flipping through channels over the weekend and counted six consecutive "news stations" all covering it.
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 2/21/2007 1:26:58 PM
Fabulous article.
Giselle is not that great of a name and her last name sounds like what happens when your jeans are too tight and you're wearing granny panties because its laundry day. Also, she has the same nose as my uncle Larry. The other chic is way hotter. Deuce called it with the tranny comment.
Oh, and her accent sounds like dick. Anyone who ever utters, "um...how you say...." should be shot.
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5. Joe Bugel
4. Mike McCormack
3. Charley Winner
2. Marion Campbell
1. Joe Kuharich
Bridget Moynahan
Tim Hardaway
Phil Mickelson
