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Asian men have small penises; male figure skaters are flamboyantly gay and female softball players are meaty dykes; big fat black women are meaner than pit bulls and Mexicans will work their asses off for a pittance.
There's an origin to everything we accept as commonplace in modern day society. The stereotypes mentioned above, which I'm sure the sheer mention of will prompt thousands of death threats, are just the tip of the iceberg.
But where do these biased perceptions originate? I'm not quite sure, but I've giggled and pointed at Chinese men in my gym's shower, been hit on and spit on by lisping male figure skaters, been rebuffed with extreme prejudice by female softball players and been shoved out of the way and called a honky by gi-normous black women while riding the subway.
Oh yeah, and I always undertip Mexican delivery guys, who never fail, despite my cheapness, to sprint diligently to their next dropoff. Fucking workaholics.
In addition to the derivation of stereotypes, I've always been curious as to the origin of chivalry. Traditionally, it implied characteristics of knighthood: being courteous to women and acting gallantly. The feminist movement has managed to erase thousands of years of accumulated goodwill, but I still want to know and understand the origin of various chivalrous acts. Even though it's a risky proposition in modern day society, I still believe acting "gallantly" should be an integral part of a man's repertoire.
The following are a few chivalrous examples and, more importantly, what I surmise to be their real origin:
Proposing on One Knee
By Lowering oneself in an act of subservience, is it meant to imply a lifetime of dedication to her and her only? Nah. It was nausea that started this tradition. Some guy with cold feet figured that if he was gonna barf, it'd be easier and less humiliating to execute while proposing on one knee.
Hey buddy, just don't marry her, you're panicking.
Women Go First
Whether it be holding a door or letting the lady enter a room ahead of you, I used to think this was simply a polite gesture and a show of respect. Then I pondered it some more and realized that it was probably some sneaky knight on a first date a couple thousand years ago who just wanted to get a look at his minstrel's ass. Unfortunately, precedence was then set and we men have been forced to do it ever since. It is a great way to sneak a peek though. And it's even more fun to catch other guys doing it.
The Gift of Flowers
Are these a simple, cheery gift of joy? (the following to be said in your thickest brogue) NAUGHT BLOODY LIKELY.
I did some research on da innernet and apparently this tradition originated when courting men from rival Afghan tribes approached the village of the woman they were longing to marry. Along with four goats, the men would bring a bouquet of flowers they had picked along the way. However, the flowers weren't for the woman.
You see, if the father didn't think this man was good enough for his daughter, he'd pull out the household AK-47 or RPG, whatever was handiest at the time, and shoot the fucker. The flowers were then used for the poor chap's funeral. It was considered a polite gesture to bring them just in case, and also curried favor with the dad.
Now that's how you treat a lady.
Carrying the Bride Across the Threshold
This is an easy one:
Horny Groom + Drunken Bride = Threshold Carryover
Some sucker's bride was so drunk on champagne that she was tripping over her dress, not to mention drifting in and out of consciousness. The groom just wanted to get laid before she passed out, so he picked her up and carried her into the bedroom. Can you blame him? He knows the sex will never be the same after the wedding night. I got two words for you: Scheduled Saturdays.
Ordering Dinner for Her
"Aww, how thoughtful," she thinks to herself, "and I like a guy who takes charge." Think again, chubbo. There's clearly a weight issue here. Ahh yeah, she'll have the house salad, hold the dressing, and the grilled tuna please. Hit the gym honey.
Walking the Woman to Her Door
Despite it being completely out of your way, are we really accompanying women right up to their front doors to make certain they arrived home safely? Wrong again. It's a thinly veiled attempt and more importantly, a last ditch effort, at getting into her bedroom. Find me a guy that tells you he's walked a girl back to her place just to make sure she got home ok, and I'll point you out a big fucking liar.
The entire walk is used to scrutinize his date's every word for hints and implied undertones regarding whether or not he has a shot at working his way inside. It's that simple.
Carrying Her Books
This is a somewhat outdated grammar school play, but it still goes down. You see, girls generally carry their books against their chest and under folded arms. By carrying her books for her, this hormone driven ingenuity got the courting teenage boy a look at just how big her boobies were. Sorry, I know this is immature and sad, but it's a very important thing for us growing boys to know. Ladies, at that age, it's all about holding court in the locker room.
Calling to See if She Got Home Alright
I mentioned previously that walking a girl to her door was really a last ditch effort at a sexual encounter. I was mistaken and it was shortsighted commentary. My sincerest apologies. Calling your date to see if she got home alright is really the last ditch effort at a sexual encounter. Albeit a diminished and more pathetic one. Why? Because phone sex is secretly what the man is looking for here and if he didn't get the actual nookie earlier, she's certainly not going to give it up over the phone. Welcome to bottom feeder territory.
Wars have started for less.
Jacket Thrown Down Over a Puddle
No one has ever done this. It's stupid. If you're a girl and happen to be waiting for some guy to actually do this...keep waiting, 'cause it ain't gonna happen. You watch too many fucking movies. And no, your Prince Charming is never coming along on his white horse either.
there is nothing worse than a gi-normous black woman pushing you out of the way giving you the worst look on the planet. no matter how wrong she is you will crawl into a hole in fear. then curse her out after she leaves as if she is the devil. damn hand movements.
Steve
Nice Work
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Posted: 6/14/2005 10:19:03 AM
Funny stuff, cool premis. solid.
Hung Choi
Hung?
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Posted: 6/14/2005 10:57:16 AM
As an Asian man, I vehemently object to this stereotype of Asian men having small reproductive units. First off, my name is Hung.. get it? How can I have a small penis with a name like Hung? Do you think William Hung has a small penis too? YEAH RIGHT? The guy is a fucking celebrity.
Furthermore, one must consider the penis to body mass ratio. Asian men in general are small creatures. The article alludes to the "Fat Black Bitch". Granted, few Asian men have the balls of "Big Fat Black Bitches" but then again, neither do White Men, Latin Men or even Black Men for that matter. These bitches have balls!
In conclusion, I wish to end the Asian man small penis rumor by introducing the Penis BMI. I rate a perfect 3.75... quite a conincidence with that number but when dividing the length by girth and multiplying by my weight (125 lbs) I am dialed in at the magic 3 and 3 quarters. Watch out ladies.
Tom A
Hey, Not ALL Softball Players are Indigo Girls
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Posted: 6/14/2005 10:59:59 AM
Some are bi-curious, and some are still in denial (and thus slutty as hell).
Write some term papers, get some three-ways. And sunflower seeds.
Boomin' Granny
MIKE D
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Posted: 6/14/2005 11:07:23 AM
I am a gi-normous black woman. If you piss me off I will sit on your skinny little white head and blow ass.
Awed disblief
Dear "Hung"
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Posted: 6/14/2005 11:10:07 AM
Leave the comedy to the pros and keep your penis to yourself...
Stikes
Nice work?
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Posted: 6/14/2005 11:46:30 AM
You should have stuck with the stereotypes. Its a tough slog when your intro is far more entertaining than the rest of the article. Decidely unfunny.
jim r
chivalary?
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Posted: 6/14/2005 1:18:15 PM
How's this for chivalary I promise to pull out or I won't come in your mouth
I know funny
The official word
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Posted: 6/14/2005 2:12:43 PM
You heard it here first folks, Stikes has deemed this article as "unfunny"... and decicedidly so! I laughed my ass off but now I feel so foolish now that it has been deemed "unfunny". You guys crack my ass up! Sometimes the comic critics coming out of the woodwork are just as funny as the articles themselves. (unless stikes says otherwise of course)
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