Wake up you fucking maggots! Its time for some goddamned reviews. So take your mothers tit out of your taint licking pie holes and pay attention! This week in honor of a former Hitler youth being named as the Holy Father, Im going to introduce my new Papal Rating scale. Dont shit yourselves in the pews people well have a new scale next week. Hopefully this Pope wont ask me to kill anyone I like too much.
Papal Rating Scale PPPPP = The Holy Sea feeds a small country good! PPPP = Communion wafer with jelly good! PPP = As good as having your own hat that no one else can wear! PP = Bird shit on the Popemobile good. P = Priest snores through your confession good. p = for extra blessing in latin (for those who dont understand, 5 is good, 1 is bad, dumbshits)
Movies
The Interpreter PP
Too bad the name Lost in Translation was already taken because that would have made more sense. This movie is a murky quandary of inane action at best. In more concise terms Fuck that talentless prick Sidney Pollack. This hitchikers guide to a coma is maybe a split vagina hair better than Sahara was. The last time Sean Penn was engaging was Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Im also pretty sure that Nicole Kidmans forehead got its name above title. Do I really give a shit about a translator at the UN falling into an expansive plot of international mystery and espionage. Fuck no. Our commander and chief has already made it perfectly clear to the world that nothing that happens at the UN matters, so why should this movie be any different.
House of D P
This is a semi autobiographical historical account of a womens detention home from Writer/Director/Star David Duchovny. Thats right, the Red Shoe Diaries guy (or X-Files for you geeks). When I heard Duchovny was going to be in a movie about a womens detention center I instantly thought Caged Heat 4 : Fresh Meat on D Block, but what I got was sappy 70s period piece with Mulder fucking around with his retard janitor buddy, Robin Williams. You heard me right. Imagine Mork from Ork got smacked in the head with shovel one too many times and went and hung out on the set of Evolution. Heres a good one for you, Eryka Bahdu pulls a Julia Roberts and plays a hooker with a heart of gold. Thats not a joke, but it is the newest bad clich in movies.
A Lot Like Love PP
A cute little romantic comedy where Ashton Kutcher courts Amanda Peet and hilarity ensues. At least thats what the guy next to me said the movie was about when he woke me up after the credits rolled. I dont even know if they ever hooked up or not. I know they went on a bunch of dates over the course of a bunch of years and Ashton sings her a song or something dreadful at the end. Maybe I just dreamed that. Holy shit! What if Amanda Peet got naked and I missed it. She was so hot in The Whole Nine Yards. All perky and young. Fuck! Am I gonna have to go see this piece of shit again now? Wait the movie is PG13. Whew! Maybe I missed some brief nudity or something, but nothing Id have to go back for.
DVD Meet The Fockers PPP
Remember Flirting With Disaster, Permanent Midnight, and The Royal Tenenbaums. Well apparently neither does Ben Stiller. Those were great movies, but recently it seems like all he does is fuck around with his buddies Will Ferrel, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson. They're like the new rat pack minus the booze, the chicks, and the talent. Starsky and Hutch could have only been better if the Grand Turino had fallen off a cliff in the first 10 minutes and ended the movie. Then youve got those bonafied winners like Dodgeball and Zoolander. Enough already. Meet The Fockers pretty much falls right in between these two batches of movies. Not hysterical and not compelling. Its got an awesome cast and a pretty decent build from the first movie, but Stiller still seems like hes caught between Kentucky Fried Movie and LA Story.
TV The Shield PPPPP
Hands down one of the best shows on TV ever. Some people have trouble seeing past the Commish in the lead role, but maybe the addition of Glen Ill Boil Your Rabbit Close as the captain this season will help. This show is grittier than most HBO dramas and it runs on FX! You will absolutely forget youre watching basic cable after the third time someone says shit or a policeman is forced to give a blowjob at gunpoint. The show offers a fresh look at cops and robbers by blurring the line between the good guys and the bad guys. Sometimes the cops are dirty and some times the crooks are clean, but you can always be sure that youll never know whats coming next in this series. If you missed the first few seasons go out and rent them immediately to catch up, and watch the rest of this season like its your new religion.
Music Something To Be Rob Thomas P Omigod! Rob Thomas without his band. Whatever shall I do? I know. Ill get some hookers and blow and try to forget I ever listened to this piece of shit record. The only time this guy ever entertained me was when I heard he got booed off stage in Minnesota by college girls after he gained 68 pounds on tour. You know, I remember this one time I was camping in Joshua tree with some of my old war buddies and this one guy breaks out an acoustic guitar. He only knew Matchbox 20 songs and played them repeatedly, until of course, I broke one of his tuning pegs off in his nostril. That shut him up. A musician that only plays Matchbox twenty is like a porn star that only does hand jobs. I cant believe Santana ever did a song with the guy. I must still be tripping from the brown acid I ate at Woodstock.
Shield Rocks Posted: 4/26/2005by: ShieldFan Just started watching the Shield and it's awesome. I caught up on the first couple of seasons on DVD and I've watched the whole new season religiously. Awesome television! Better than the Sopranos and cheaper since I hate paying for HBO! I haven't been this addicted to a show since the first season of 24! Rob Thomas is Posted: 4/26/2005by: Exactly the sorriest excuse for a "musician" ever. Right on! Rumors, Rumors, Rumors Posted: 4/23/2005by: Cold hey, jairo; Watch the news or something man. Pope Benedict Arnold didn't leave the fatherland due to Hitler Youthism. The pope was assigned to an anti-aircraft battery in Germany during WWII. Thats right, he was shooting down Allied aircraft. Holy man my ass.
Damn fine reviewing, Napalm Employment Opportunity Posted: 4/23/2005by: Napalm Simone, you ever consider doing any wet work? I know some people who know some people who killed some people if you're looking for a job. We can always use another good man in the field. Just leave your desperate houswife music at home. When we go out "hunting" it's AC/DC and Metallica only! you will burn in hell Posted: 4/23/2005by: simone i'll grab your nuts (heard they are like raisins) twist till the point of ripping. let go because your girl like scream hurts my brain waves. i'd start raking your face with a fucking rusty fork, serve you your skin with that same fork. i'd drill press 1/4in holes through your penis, if i can get it out of whatever new recruit you're fuckin.. At the copa----copacabana there was music in the air...
nice try.... Die Maggot! Posted: 4/23/2005by: Napalm I will concide that Barry Manilow is the greatest singer ever, if you're a pansy boot licking communist that eats feces directly from my ass crack and likes to listen to pussy ass music. Go back to sleep little girl. I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings by telling how many cocks manilow sucked to get that silky smooth voice you like so much.
Now who's your daddy, biatch! Barry Manilow might Posted: 4/23/2005by: simone be the worlds greatest singer. Period. Please don't ever compare Rob, and Barry agian you gun tot'in shit eatting bitch. You have shit for lips.
Mandy-- best song ever. What now? To Be Fair Posted: 4/22/2005by: Peed Myself The Pope wasn't a National Socialist, but he was in the Hitler Youth. Only an illness kept him from serving in the German Army during WWII.
But on the other side, his stance on gays, birth control, and woman's roles in the church is only slightly less destructive than the Master Race philosophy of the Nazis.
Some how I don't tremble in fear when I think about a 78 year old fool in a funny hat. Watch it Posted: 4/22/2005by: Jairo The pope was not a Nazi. He was forced to be part of the hitler youth when he was growing up in Germany, but he left the country because of it. He is a very holy man and you should be careful what you say about him. Funny As Hell Posted: 4/22/2005by: Joseph The Real Father Of Jesus "This hitchikers guide to a coma is maybe a split vagina hair better than Sahara was."
That was some funny stuff. Sahara really sucked, so I'm guessing I should save the money on this one. Plus you mentioned the Pope was a Nazi, which I just found out was true. Equally funny.
Movies
House of D
A cute little romantic comedy where Ashton Kutcher courts Amanda Peet and hilarity ensues. At least thats what the guy next to me said the movie was about when he woke me up after the credits rolled. I dont even know if they ever hooked up or not. I know they went on a bunch of dates over the course of a bunch of years and Ashton sings her a song or something dreadful at the end. Maybe I just dreamed that. Holy shit! What if Amanda Peet got naked and I missed it. She was so hot in The Whole Nine Yards. All perky and young. Fuck! Am I gonna have to go see this piece of shit again now? Wait the movie is PG13. Whew! Maybe I missed some brief nudity or something, but nothing Id have to go back for.
Remember Flirting With Disaster, Permanent Midnight, and The Royal Tenenbaums. Well apparently neither does Ben Stiller. Those were great movies, but recently it seems like all he does is fuck around with his buddies Will Ferrel, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson. They're like the new rat pack minus the booze, the chicks, and the talent. Starsky and Hutch could have only been better if the Grand Turino had fallen off a cliff in the first 10 minutes and ended the movie. Then youve got those bonafied winners like Dodgeball and Zoolander. Enough already. Meet The Fockers pretty much falls right in between these two batches of movies. Not hysterical and not compelling. Its got an awesome cast and a pretty decent build from the first movie, but Stiller still seems like hes caught between Kentucky Fried Movie and LA Story. 
The Shield
Omigod! Rob Thomas without his band. Whatever shall I do? I know. Ill get some hookers and blow and try to forget I ever listened to this piece of shit record. The only time this guy ever entertained me was when I heard he got booed off stage in Minnesota by college girls after he gained 68 pounds on tour. You know, I remember this one time I was camping in Joshua tree with some of my old war buddies and this one guy breaks out an acoustic guitar. He only knew Matchbox 20 songs and played them repeatedly, until of course, I broke one of his tuning pegs off in his nostril. That shut him up. A musician that only plays Matchbox twenty is like a porn star that only does hand jobs. I cant believe Santana ever did a song with the guy. I must still be tripping from the brown acid I ate at Woodstock.
