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Are you tired of slaving away for that shithead boss who's 14-year-old niece could probably do his job better? Are you sick of those co-workers who come to your desk every day and ask to borrow pencils and staples when your cubicle is right next to the supply closet? Do you wish you didn't have to hide in the shitter and sleep on a roll of toilet paper to pass the time at your boring job? Well, we here at the Phat Phree feel your pain. This month�s installment of the Top 50 list is full of ways to quickly get yourself out of that crappy, dead-end job.
50.
The Auctioneer
Sell office items on ebay. "Hey Mr. Jones, I need your chair. Some guy in Boston bought it for 85 bucks... You believe that? Don't worry; I'll cut you in. How's 80/20 sound? It's only fair since I did the all work."
49.
The Cookout
Cook your lunch on a charcoal grill you brought into your cubicle. Slaughtering the pig at your desk before you fabricate and cook it, wouldn't hurt either.
48.
The Happy Birthday
When a birthday card is being passed around the office to be signed, instead of signing �Happy Birthday�, sign, �I will taste your flesh.�
47.
The J - E - W
When your boss enters your office while you are on the phone, quickly wrap up the call with, �I'm gonna have to call you later. The J - E - W is back.�
46.
The Worm
Store live bait in the refrigerator with a price tag. When confronted, ask how much they want. Then when they insist you remove it, deny having put it there, and get angry at the implication.
45.
The Dreamcatcher
Send out a play-by-play email detailing the dream you had about Suzy the temp, the boss' teenage daughter and your ex-girlfriend. The more descriptive and lewd the details the better. Make sure to focus how depraved the boss' daughter was.
44.
The Material Girl
Tape the paper cones from the water cooler onto your chest and sing "Material Girl" at the top of your lungs into a stapler. Refuse to stop.
43.
The Switcheroo
Repeatedly change your boss' homepage to farmgirls.com, and then put a repair request into the IT department from his email.
42.
The Ma Fratelli
Take whatever money you have in your pocket and make B&W copies of the bills on the office copy machine while laughing manically and repeating, �It�s too fucking easy��
41.
The Elephant
Walk around the office with your pockets out and your cock dangling from your open zipper. When confronted, make an elephant noise and then chase them around screaming, "STAMPEDE" and laughing hysterically.
I and another co-worker decided that if we ever wanted to get fired we would bring in several copies of Hustler, post the pin ups in our cubes and just start masturbating in our cubes until someone caught us!
Wayne
Convent
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Posted: 4/4/2005 11:24:54 AM
I work in a converted convent, so I'll paint myself gold and walk in on Wednesday morning proclaiming my own divinity.
MHE
Really Good Friday
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Posted: 4/4/2005 12:01:35 PM
On Good Friday (or Maundy Thursday, if you get Good Friday off) get on your knees and stick your hand up the receptionist's skirt. When she asks what the hell you're doing, tell her you heard there was an egg hunt. (Note: if she's older and has no children, make sure to mention that it's obvious she isn't using her's.)
Luckyu
Geezus
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Posted: 4/4/2005 12:37:32 PM
Fuck you guys for turning me into #1.
DE
chickboss
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Post #: 5
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Posted: 4/4/2005 12:51:15 PM
If your boss is a women take her out for drinks nail her then ignore her for a week and when she asks you why it can't go any further tell her that you and her just don't click. She'll find a way to get rid of your ass.
Jus
The Blow Off
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Post #: 6
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Posted: 4/4/2005 2:21:01 PM
At the big board meeting, put gum in your trousers and then show everyone how you can blow the biggest bubble with your ass. Way better visuals than power point.
becky
me
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Post #: 7
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Posted: 4/4/2005 4:29:56 PM
i was totally laughing out loud in my cube trying to cover it with my "creepy laugh". i want to know how many others are out there doing work in between going online
Lame
K
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Post #: 8
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Posted: 4/4/2005 5:54:13 PM
I'm lame cuz I googled Takagi and still have no clue what that means. They make water heaters. can someone please expain this?
Charlie
TakAgi
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Post #: 9
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Posted: 4/4/2005 6:34:31 PM
Mr. Takagi is the boss at the Nakatomi Plaza.
M
Me too
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Posted: 4/5/2005 2:42:28 AM
Thanks, now I can finally start collecting unemployment!
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Sell office items on ebay. "Hey Mr. Jones, I need your chair. Some guy in Boston bought it for 85 bucks... You believe that? Don't worry; I'll cut you in. How's 80/20 sound? It's only fair since I did the all work." 
Send out a play-by-play email detailing the dream you had about Suzy the temp, the boss' teenage daughter and your ex-girlfriend. The more descriptive and lewd the details the better. Make sure to focus how depraved the boss' daughter was. 
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