Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his first Mass as pontiff, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church, last Wednesday in Rome. The 9 a.m. Mass was held in the Sistine Chapel, where less than 24 hours earlier 115 Roman Catholic cardinals from 52 countries elected their dean, Germany's Joseph Ratzinger, as the 265th pope.
During his first homily as pontiff, Benedict XVI reassured the faithful in attendance that, we still hate faggots and condoms.
Afterwards, President Bush called Benedict XVI "a man of great wisdom and knowledge," although he mistakenly referred to him as Mr. Ecks Vee Eye several times while being interviewed.
I figured it might be funny to ask the Vatican for an interview and to chronicle the rejections, but as luck would have it, the new Pope is a HUGE fan of the Phat Phree. He agreed, and I flew out to Rome for an exclusive chance to speak to the new man in the funny hat.
The Phat Phree: Id like to thank you for the opportunity to do this interview.
The Pope: Are you kidding?! I love the Phat Phree. The Striped Shirt article was a riot. That Mike Polk is funny guy. As a matter of fact, the whole staff here cant get enough of the site. I cant tell you how many of the Cardinals have been trying the Top 50 Ways to Get Fired. Cardinal Sanchez keeps calling everyone a J E W. He loves that joke.
TPP: Thats funny. I had no idea we had such a following in the Vatican. Well, lets get to it. First of all, I heard you are a really conservative guy. Does this mean that the Church is going to stick to some of its controversial policies regarding women, homosexuals and birth control?
The Pope: That is such a misunderstanding. It is true that I am more traditional when it comes to the rules, but I think youll find me very progressive as well. I very much want to connect to the young people. As a matter of fact, we are working on a new television program called Pope My Ride where we put a bulletproof dome and chrome crosses on the cars of kids. Its going to be the first step in a very aggressive program to recruit youth to the church.
TPP: How do you answer critics who say that the Churchs stance on birth control has worsened the spread of AIDS in the third world?
The Pope: We dont make the rules. Talk to God about that one. Come on Charlie, where is the funny? You write for a comedy magazine dont you? Leave the hard questioning to the professionals. By the way, I loved the kids suing the Church over high-carb Communion thing you wrote. Hysterical!
TPP: Youre right. Well lets talk about the communion wafers a bit. I am a former Catholic, and I always thought the wafers could use a little flavor. How about some options?
The Pope: Oh, I am glad you asked. More of my progressive ideas- Ive been talking to some marketing people about expanding our line of host wafers. This is another thing that I think will really bring in the kids. Were going to add a whole line of new flavors and styles to the Body of Christ. Weve got Redemptionberry-Bananna, Crucimelon Splash, Communal Grape, Pulpit Peach Punch, Adams Apple, Triple Chocolate Decadence Ive got a million of them.
TPP: Sounds delicious. Might I suggest a Quaker Steak & Lube Suicide Hot Wings flavored host?
The Pope: Im not familiar, but wed have to work on the name.
TPP: What is that earpiece youre wearing? Are you being fed these answers?
The Pope: Oh this? No, no, no. There is an iPod built into my hat. See? I won this from an ad on the Phat Phree.
TPP: Damn That is sweet. Whats on the Popes playlist?
The Pope: Oh man, Ive got everything on here. AC/DC, some James Brown, a couple tracks from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Tupac, The Police big Police fan. HUGE. Right now I am listening to The DaVinci Code as read by Patrick Stewart. Fascinating. I had no idea Jesus was married.
TPP: You are certainly one of the best dressed men in the world. You got the fly lid, the bling, the fresh robes That must be one of the real perks of being Pope, because the Cardinals are always wearing the same drab getup.
The Pope: Its great, I mean the first time I put on a Papal Robe was back in 84 when John Paul was away on business. Ever since then I knew I had to be Pope. This is absolutely the most comfortable garment I have ever worn.
TPP: So you dont wear street clothes or anything under there. I mean, are you always in the Robe?
The Pope: Absolutely. Its this or nothing. I am going commando under this thing. I have to let the boys swing free.
TPP: I heard that. So on the heaven and hell thing, any tricks you can fill us in on?
The Pope: Well, accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior is up there on the list.
TPP: Any way around that?
The Pope: Two actually. Ive hidden five golden tickets in our new Milk Chocolate Communion Bars. Every kid who finds one gets into heaven, no questions asked.
TPP: Really? Whats the other one?
The Pope: Well, it's pretty rare, but anyone the Pope fantasizes about while masturbating is also in, but only if he climaxes.
Pope My Ride - Episode 1
TPP: No
The Pope: Yes. Its the Papal Exception. Its in the Bible.
TPP: No it isnt.
The Pope: The Real Bible.
TPP: Well, since youve got the inside scoop, can you tell us whose going heaven and whose going to burn in the eternal flames?
The Pope: Sure.
TPP: Tom Cruise?
The Pope: Hell.
TPP: Joan Collins?
The Pope: Definitely Hell.
TPP: Shatner?
The Pope: Heaven. Nemoy too. Takai is gonna burn.
TPP: Alex Trebek?
The Pope: What is Heaven?
TPP: Christina Agulara?
The Pope: Heaven I think.
TPP: Really?
The Pope: Papal Exception. Not mine, John Pauls, but we are a little dicey on it because he was watching a segment on Entertainment Tonight about her and his hand was shaking in his lap from the palsy. One dribbled out, but were not sure it was intentional. It was really close to the end and he wasnt all there. Incidentally, JPII was hung like a train car. We called him the Polish Sausage.
TPP: Well thats all Ive got for you. We always like to do these quick hitting questions at the end. We call them the Phat 5. You game?
The Pope: Yeah, no problem.
TPP: Okay. The Bible. True or False?
The Pope: False I kid, I kid. Its true- every word of it.
TPP: Who was the best Family Feud Host- Richard Dawson, Ray Combs, Louie Anderson, Richard Karn?
The Pope: Id have to say Karn. The rest are headed to the big oven- one Brit, one suicide and one sloth.
TPP: Sexist Women of All-Time?
The Pope: Thats tough Mary Lou Retton.
TPP: O.J.- innocent or guilty?
Hanging with the fans
The Pope: Innocent actually. Either that or one of the Popes rubbed one out thinking about him because hes going to heaven.
TPP: Your dream job?
The Pope: Im doing it, baby. Gotta keep that Pope hand strong. Popin aint easy.
damn Posted: 6/24/2005by: Will This site used to be funny. The Popes Posted: 5/20/2005by: Tracy "Polish sausage" and "Pope my Ride" were halarious!
Like Johnny Carson would say, "That was funny stuff." DAVE IS RIGHT! Posted: 5/10/2005by: Lubrock Hey, lay off of Dave. I think the charlie should have asked why the Pope chose such a lame name. If I was going to be the next Pope and got to choose my own name, I would have gone with something cool like Pope Bono.
If the Vatican was all like, "you can't do that Bono is not even Catholic" I'd be like, "screw you guys, I'm the Pope, so Suck it!"
That would be sweat! Funny or sad? Posted: 5/4/2005by: Angel Dave, I took your advice and looked for God. He was right under the damn sofa next to the remote control that I lost a couple of weeks ago. Speaking of remote control, do you know what one is? It is a device that gives you the option to press another channel, if you don't like what's on the current one . . . I suppose if I wanted something sad, I would have gone to another website. But while I was browsing, (like surfing through channels with that remote) I came across this. Pretty funny stuff, guys!
I found the Da Vinci code and the Popin' interview HILARIOUS! (That Popin' mobile needs shocks ;)
bible true or false Posted: 5/2/2005by: the almighty brick that is a truly brilliant question. i wish i could have been there the first time that it was asked. genius. you should copyrite it so that no one steals it from you and uses it in their shitty home videos and\or queer faggy style web joky pages. word up bitch! Funny stuff Posted: 5/2/2005by: Steve Funny, funny stuff. No ass kissing here, I mean it. I love this shit man, very creative too! Keep 'em coming. DAVE Posted: 4/30/2005by: Leroy Dave, I've found God and have come to realize...
Making jokes at other people's expense IS funny; not always tactful, but funny.
Not having a sense of humor is sad. Lighten up!!!! Posted: 4/29/2005by: RJ Hey, Everyone who is offended by this has to take that 10 yard poll out of you ass and lighten up. First of all, you know that this site is a comedy website so what are you going to expect in the first place? Something serious and life shattering? Blow yourself, thats what makes America so great. FREEDOM of Speach bitches. If you were to write something like this in many other countries you would most likely be shot. Grow up and have some fun. Dave.... Posted: 4/28/2005by: Rooting against Axis Popes "The pope is a man who has dedicated his life to the salvation of people all over the World, and some punks like you decide to make joke out of it"
Actually, for a part of his life he was in a Nazi anti-aircrft battalion during WWII, and since my grandfather flew bombing missions over Germany, I can definitively say that the new Pope tried to kill my grandfather, which would have erased my existence ala Marty McFly. And existence is what I mostly do, so from my perspective, f the pope and f you.
Oh man, that is some funny shit right there. Posted: 4/27/2005by: Ryan Waddell Oh baby... The Polish Sausage. Hilarious!
And Dave - it's funny to make fun of ANYONE. Not just religious figures.
