A few weeks ago, I read an item on ESPN.com concerning a group of elementary school students who wanted the Red Sox and Yankees to shake hands prior to their opening game this season. Apparently this came out of some tensions at the school between kid Red Sox fans and kid Yankee fans during the ALCS last fall. Maybe you've heard about this.
Read about the Merriman School here , if ya wanna know. It's in Acton, Massachusetts which, last time I checked, was a lot closer to Boston than New York. Here is their mission statement:
"The Handshake Project is an attempt by Merriam School fifth and sixth graders to get the Yankees and Red Sox players to shake hands at their 2005 home opening days in New York City and Boston. Two Merriam School teachers were the spearheads for this project. Grade 6 teacher Mary Ann Brandt is a lifelong Red Sox fan, and Grade 5 teacher Ed Kaufman is a lifelong Yankee fan."
Uh-oh. See what's coming?
"As Boston dropped the first three games of the series (last year's ALCS), some Red Sox fans were less than enthusiastic about the Yankees fans. Disappointment and tensions rose. Even when the Sox made their wonderful comeback, there was a definite lack of respect for the Yankees as a team and for Yankees fans in general. Nothing way out of line, but unpleasant just the same."
I read one post on Bernie's Insiders that claims a Steelers fan was in the Dawg Pound back in the '80s, and the Browns fans surrounding him stripped his $100 Starter jacket from his body and set it on fire. That's out of line. But I digress. Said Kaufman:
"Kids were intimidated. They were afraid to wear their Yankees hats... things were just crossing the line from respectful and fun."
Well, s--t, we all know what happened here. The Yankees went out 3-0 on Boston, and the noxious, disgusting, fairweather-Yankee-kid-fans started up with the "1918" and "Who's Your Daddy" stuff. The usual. I hate the Yankees, but I understand- frankly, it's more fun to see the Tribe beat Boston than any other club, because their fans are such drama queens. They act like they're the only damn team that ever lost to the Yankees, or anyone else. Then the Red Sox came back. Red Sox fans are like Communists- right down to the little kids. They make great victims, but they're the worst of the worst when they have an advantage over you, because they have this idea of themselves as the purest of fans. They win one f--king World Series and now there's a movie out where Jimmy Fallon and Pillsbury Dough Girl Drew Barrymore run around in their gear. Just unbearable. I don't know if these pint-sized Red Sox rooters knew that Boston hadn't won a series of meaningful games over the Yankees since Happy Jack Chesbro's wild pitch in 1904, but it had been longer than their lifetimes. So they had their fun. And this being elementary school, some kid in a Yankees hat started crying. I'd wager that's the "unpleasantness" the two teachers were oh-so-vaguely referring to.
Shield Our Children From This!
So these two teachers, "lifetime Red Sox" fan Mizz Brandt, and "lifelong Yankee fan" Mister Kaufman, decided that it would be a nice idea to get the kids to petition Major League Baseball, in an attempt to persuade the Yankees and the Red Sox to shake hands prior to their openers in New York and Boston. The students also put together a PowerPoint presentation of their "cause".
"Fans and players are getting too worked up about what's just a game," the students wrote in their letter to Selig. "The negativity and intensity is influencing children's sportsmanship after our own sports games. After children's sports games, we shake hands with the team we're playing. ... If kids can show good sportsmanship, then professionals can too."
"The PowerPoint show begins with an image of students saying, "We look up to you." A series of photos follows -- with one showing Varitek going at it with Rodriguez, and another portraying children shaking their fists at one another. One is dressed as Zimmer. Beneath that image, a caption reads: "We follow your example."
Okay, hold on. This is ridiculous. Let Michael and Samir tell it:
Michael: That is the worst idea I've ever heard.
Samir: Yes, yes, is horrible, this idea.
First of all, on-field fraternization is forbidden by the official rules of baseball. Rule 3.09- you can look it up, as Casey Stengel used to say. I'm sure that rule has been on the books for a long time, and the way I see it, there's no reason to break it just for the sake of some candy-assed blue-state elementary school.
Also, if "nothing way out of line" happened, then this is just silly posturing by these two teachers. How is it that responsibility for the behavior of these schoolkids devolves to the players on the Red Sox and the Yankees? Oh, wait, I forgot. Nobody is responsible for their own actions anymore. Silly me!
Another thing. Dollars to donuts most of these kids are boys. Why is there this prevailing philosophy of emasculating and pussifying boys? Some rambuntiousness, some competitiveness, some trash-talking over a sporting event, and it's this big f--king crisis that requires a gigantic, meaningless gesture to keep everyone from "getting too worked up". All this "negativity" and "intensity"- can't have it. Boys must be kept docile and meak- not even allowed to get their dander up over a sporting event, for Christ's sakes. Meanwhile, girls are exhorted to be 'strong' and 'tough'. 'Girls rule!' 'Girl power!', nonsense like that. It's like the powers that be are intent on sawing boys' nuts off and grafting them onto girls. This despite the fact that most boys want to compete, and most girls don't want to be 'tough'. This is so odd. Has anyone else noticed this trend, or am I just going off like Tom Cruise's character in Magnolia?
Look, when you take a bunch of boys and throw them together in an institutional setting, like a prison, or in this case, a school, you get what you get. You get competitiveness, you get taunting, you get a heapin' helpin' of the basic nature of boys. I got picked on a lot when I was a little kid. The best way to combat this kind of thing is for the picked-on kid to show some sack and stand up for himself and, if necessary, fight. My biggest regret from my own school days is that I didn't hit anyone in the mouth. I don't even think we teach that kind of thing anymore. It's all about "conflict resolution" and bulls--t like this "Handshake Project". How does that teach these kids anything, besides how to be a wuss and profit from it?
I, for one, hope that there are no handshakes when the Red Sox and the Yankees hook up for the first time this season. These are grown-ass men and if they don't want to shake hands, they shouldn't. As Keith Jackson would say, they're two teams that just don't like each other. Neither should their fans. These teachers need to grow up, and let their boys be boys, and quit trying to control everyone's emotions. In ten years, these kids might be laughing about all that trash-talking they did back during the '04 ALCS. But they won't be laughing at the fact that their teachers made them embarrass themselves in this manner. To quote Vlade Divac: "We play hard, we argue, don't worry about it." Quit worrying!
Baseball IS Wussification Defined Posted: 4/12/2005by: RC As if baseball players weren't wussies anyway? A game, excuse me...PAST-TIME with plays like the "sacrifice" and where being "safe" is just the bestest thing ever? (A nod to George Carlin for those observations).
Even fighting, baseball players swing like girls - it's a huge slap-fest. And this is on grass! Give me to hockey player's...mano-a-mano ON ICE and these bad muthafuckas womp the SHIT out of each other! If you doubt I've got about 100 hours of nothing-but-fight hockey footage to re-educate ya.
Fuck baseball. I can fuck up any elementary school kid Posted: 4/8/2005by: Fuck my Mom Without bullies and jocks making wierd kids feeling inferior. We'll end up with muscular handsome web designers, and 110 pound goofy investment bankers. There has to be a pecking order or chaos ensues... Quite the Kneejerk reaction Christ... Posted: 4/6/2005by: Jesse Supporter Who is this moron Christ? Did he even read the article? Where does Jesse suggest that the schools should be "teaching little boys to be more violent"? The answer: Nowhere. Jesse isn't suggesting that they start up a gladiator school, he is saying that they shouldn't be discouraging boys from being passionate and competitive.
There is nothing wrong with a little spirited rooting. Certainly it is the school's job to prevent it from becoming physical, but what kind of lesson is it to say, in essense, that the way to prevent confrontation is to devalue the source of disagreement? Don't fight about baseball because baseball doesn't really matter. It's just a game. See even the players don't care. They shake hands before the game.
Would it not be a better lesson for these kids to learn that just because a guy can hit a ball or run fast doesn't mean you should emulate his actions? Or how about punishing the kids who were out of line. Or telling the sensitive Yankee kids that there is a downside to being a bandwagon front runner.
Speaking of down side, isn't it the teacher's job to keep these kids under control and to create a suitable learning environment for them? Where do a couple of grade school teachers get the balls to tell millionaires how to handle their business when they can't even control a few 5th graders? Why can't we all just get along? Posted: 4/6/2005by: Terry Puhl's Ghost Ratings and ticket sales, that's why. You think John Henry and the Big Stein want to end their cash machine rivalry? Hell no. Nor should they. I tuned in on the Sunday opener to see conflict, not a damn tea party. And I really don't even care that much about the American League. Great article, and Kaufman is definitely trying to nail Ms. Brandt. Stoopid Posted: 4/6/2005by: Christ Just 'cause you were a pussy in gradeschool doesn't mean that schools should be teaching little boys to be even more violent. Schools are just trying to make these little shits decent citizens. Part of making decent citizens is telling rambunctious boys to chill the fuck out, and telling meek little girls to go ahead and kick ass. Still, this handshake crap is nauseating. Some people just can't sleep at night if there's any conflict left unresolved. Well, that's the real world, and that's what school should stick to. Hey, maybe George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein should shake hands, no? Massachusetts Posted: 4/6/2005by: Thorny These people are from Massachusetts. This king of shit would never happen anywhere else. FOAM BALLS! Holy sht. What's next? Sock it to me Posted: 4/6/2005by: Jus Fuck handshakes! Good sportsmanship is not what baseball is about. Baseball is about good teams facing off in the pursuit of raising attendance to sell more beer. Selling more beer has certainly led to more quibbles than handshakes and thusly the handshake between two teams is not as important as a storied rivalry.
I will also agree with Jesse that socking someone in the mouth is one of the best ways to get through gradeschoool. I wish for his sake he had gotten to punch someone in the mush. The day I did it was the day the other kids let me be one of the gang instead of the weird mullato kid. I'll be teaching my kids to put someones lights out if they like the wrong team from any sport! They Should Shake Hands Posted: 4/6/2005by: Jim Fath because then 5 years from now when one of these little fucking creeps knocks over a Liquor store or Knocks up some girl we can all say "I don't know how this could have happened. I mean the Red Sox and Yankees shake hands" Foam Balls? Posted: 4/6/2005by: Lex DeNovo You're kidding me? They actually play dodgeball (the asphalt playground variety, not the movie) with FOAM balls? Oh. My. Gosh. Remember "smear the queer" with a football? How about Greek dodge -- that was the one in the same asphalt playground but in a basketball court: divide up two teams into respective half courts; huck the ball (at least one, sometimes 2 or 3 red rubber balls, and not the real big ones that you couldn't grip, but the smaller, medium-sized ones, or even old volleyballs, that size, ones you could really wing) at the other guys, though you did have to hit the opponent below the waist (unless the yard duty or PE teacher (do they still have PE classes everyday in elementary school?) wasn't around); that guy you're throwing out, though, could get you out if he caught the ball; if he catches your ball, you're out and have to go to the perimeter of his half court; there if you get a ball that goes "out," you can pick it up and throw it at your opponent; hitting him below the waist was a ticket back into your court. The secret with Greek dodge was to demonstrate your arm, catching ability, dodging ability to the point where you're always one of the last 2 or 3 guys left on your team, but not the very last because then you have potentially 2 or 3 balls coming at you at the same time. Loved that game and was good at it. How about tether ball? Is that out there, or is the tether a f*cking choking hazard?
Lex. Superb Cultural Analysis Posted: 4/6/2005by: Lex DeNovo F*ck, I loved this article! I don't even know you, Dude, but I enjoyed the hell out of this one. I got opinions. Some of them are like this. Right on.
