It�s Top 50 time again! That�s right, it�s the second week of the month already, and goddamn, do we have treat for you.

Our writers went to the lab to scientifically uncover the 50 people most in need of a vicious beating. We aren�t talking about a run-of-the-mill beat down. We are talking about an �I�m gonna call a couple of hard, pipe hittin� niggas to come down here and work on the homes with a pair of pliers and blow torch� kind of beating. We are talking about the kind of battery that leaves you thankful just to be alive�an Alberto Gonzales approved enemy-combatant bring-you-back-from-the-dead-with-a-defibrillator and then beat-you-some-more kind of working over�the kind of shit that leaves you with a lazy eye and lisp. We are thinking some Jack Bauer �24� shit, but without the dramatic Sean Callery score.

Now, those kind of beatings aren't just handed out will-nilly. They have to be earned, and this group has paid in full.

General disclaimer: You won�t be seeing the names of some people who you might expect to see. There is no Striped Shirt guy, no Tom Cruise, but don�t think we forgot about them. More likely they fall into �The Top 50 People Who Need To Be Murdered.� Unfortunately, we can�t exactly put up a hit list on the internets. There are crazy people out there. That being said, do not go out and start beating people up, or at least don�t tell the police we told you to do it if you get caught. All we're saying here is that these folks are begging for a life altering physical experience.

Okay, let�s get to it�Nurse, please hand me the pliers.

What could have possibly convinced anyone that we needed more Pauly Shore? I thought we were done with this guy ten years ago. No one was sitting at home thinking, �I wonder what Pauly Shore is up to.� But yet there he is on my television saying he will send me money if I don�t like his new reality show where he runs the Comedy Store. I know you are thinking, �isn�t putting Paulie Shore in charge of the Comedy Store like letting Billy Graham run a whorehouse?� I hear you.

You know what Pauly, keep your money. You�re going to need it more than I do.

Hey Katie, when you're bound and gagged in the trunk of my car, will you still have that egg-suck grin plastered to your face?

Fuck you too.

Most people outside of Los Angeles, probably don�t know who I am talking about when I say "Larry Miller, owner of Sit �n Sleep," but substitute your own local radio/tv pitchman spouting the most obnoxious and annoying commercial lines they can fucking think of. Let me tell you how much I hate Larry Miller. My car radio was stolen several months ago, and I haven�t replaced it in large part because I don�t ever again want to hear that shameless fuck scream, ��or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEEEE!�

Yeah, I know American Pie 2 fucking sucks but I'm going to watch it anyway. Stop giving me that disappointed look you pretentious prick.

Madonna used to be considered hot�Not by me, but by a lot of people. Now she just looks old and insists on making a spectacle of herself by changing her name and joining another Hollywood religious fad. The people who are actually believers in these religions must hate when celebrities �convert� and make their faith a punchline. Now, she is �writing� children�s books? Seriously, Esther, you were an oversexed pop harlot for 20 years, you can�t just change your name and start writing kids' books. Unacceptable.

How does this guy still work? He is the most unapologetic joke cribber of all-time. I mean really, he is so brazen about it that after the success of �The Original Kings of Comedy� he went out and did �The Original Latin Kings of Comedy.� I hear he is putting together a sketch show where he has a sketch in which he plays Ritchie Valens and goes around slapping people and yelling, ��Soy Ritchie Valens, puta!�

The epitome of the New York liberal feminist�quite possibly the most detestable type of human being in the world�the liberal version of Ann Coulter minus the fiery conviction. It�s hard to even disagree with her articles because she can�t string more than 300 words together without totally losing any semblance of a point. I honestly think that there is someone at the NY Times that hates women and publishes Dowd just to make women look stupid.

Oh where to begin�Robin Williams is such a ridiculous parody of himself now that I honestly fear that when he goes on �The Tonight Show� there will be so much suck when he and Jay sit next to each other that the earth will collapse in on itself and destroy all the matter in the universe in a massive implosion. I am embarrassed for him.

The moral of the Robin Williams story: never stop using cocaine.

Mr. Enron is single-handedly responsible for destroying the retirement dreams of nearly all his Enron minions, and while they struggle to find new jobs and rebuild their measly savings accounts, this asswipe continues to live large in his Houston mansion while waiting to go on trial next year. I�ll make Ken a deal, if he lets everyone who lost money because of his fraud kick him in the balls once for every dollar he cost them, we�ll let him keep his house.

There is no reason we should be subjected to Dan Brown's mug plastered all over the place. You'd think this guy was the next John Steinbeck with all the press he gets, except that there is always this air of desperation in the inteviews that deteriorate into discussing the controversary surrounding the book. I wonder why that is?

All quibbling about historical accuracy aside, "The Da Vinci Code" is a shitty novel.

Dr. Phil managed to parlay a chance job helping Oprah win a lawsuit with the cattle industry into a multi-million dollar TV gig. All for doing little more than spouting asinine, over-simplified, backwoods common sense at a bunch of degenerate fuck-ups in order to make fat, lonely housewives feel better about their pathetic lives. How much do you want to bet me that everyone of the mouth-breathing apes he �helps� on his show are back to their same hijinks by the time their episode airs? I�m all in.

This asshole is the epitome of the spoiled, childish clowns that professional sports could use far less of. He�s a great player, no doubt. But he�s one of those guys that is convinced that everyone is racist because they all hate him.

Earth to TO: We don�t hate you because you are black. We hate you because you are the most self-involved, classless scumbag in the NFL. And that is quite a feat.