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We’ve all been there at one time or another. Watching a ballgame and a hitter gets announced or a reliever comes in, and it’s like a trip down memory lane. Then the realization- wait a minute, that guy still plays? Wasn’t I in junior high when this guy was a rookie? Don’t I have his ‘83 Donruss rookie card in a box somewhere?
Some guys are just so old you can’t believe they’re still hanging around. Others are so mediocre that, well, you cant believe they’re still hanging around. Sometimes it’s both- a rare case scientifically referred to as The Mike Morgan Effect (25 years in the bigs; 141-186 lifetime).
Most times you miss the retirement blurbs in the paper during the off-season. To be blunt, the vast majority of ballplayers don’t exactly rate a tear-filled presser when they hang it up. Hell, if its November and it ain’t about football, you’re not reading it anyway. Besides, it’s easy to miss ‘Todd Zeile, 87, Retires’ when its on page 9, jammed in between WTA Cup results and ads for massage parlors with “Real Oriental Staffs”.
So, with all that in mind, we hereby present to you the 2006 MLB “That Guy Still Plays?” Team. Bear in mind that there is a regional factor that is unavoidable when compiling a team of this nature. If you are not surprised that a certain player is still around because he is on your team’s roster, bear in mind that the average fan in Yonkers is stunned to see him still donning a big league uniform. And finally, we have decided to run it at the season’s halfway point because, quite frankly, we suspect half this team will either be in the hospital or the Caribbean come October. And maybe, just maybe, one or two of them will die of a massive heart attack. After all, this is the steroid era.
The Position Players:
Catcher: Sandy Alomar Jr., LA Dodgers
Amazing that Sandy is still playing, considering 1.) He turned 40 two weeks ago, 2.) He’s a catcher, 3.) He’s always been injury-prone, even for a catcher, and 4.) His younger brother Roberto retired, like, three years ago. But even more amazingly, he’s hitting .345 in part-time duty. This bodes well for a two month stint in Tampa Bay next year.
1B: Julio Franco, NY Mets
When you’ve been traded for Manny Trillo and Von Hayes, and you’re still playing, you know you’re old. In Juuuuuulios case, another way to know is to look at your birth certificate (from 1958 by the way). And while most true baseball fans are aware that he’s still playing due to the novelty factor (and Fox’s giddy announcer’s inability to talk about anything else when he bats), you can still feel the double-takes in every stadium when his name is announced.
2B: Jose Valentin, NY Mets
While his moustache is unforgettable, his play certainly is. With a look straight outta today’s hottest novellas (and remarkably consistent over the years), this Latin lover seems to be dead set on retiring with more strikeouts than hits (currently at 1250 hits, 1222 Ks for his career). And a note to Hollywood casting agents- when the eventual remake of “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” gets green lit, you’ve got Sentenza (Angel Eyes) right here.
3B: Vinny Castilla, San Diego
He turned 39 on July 4 th and is now playing for 6th team since leaving the Rockies in 1999. You last heard his name in 2001 and assumed he owned a used car lot in the outskirts of Denver by now. But you were wrong. Also, he is the first major leaguer to come out of Benito Suarez University… that we know of.
SS: Royce Clayton, Washington
Only 36, Ozzie Smith’s former heir apparent in St. Louis earns his spot with 16 years of service and five different teams in the last 5 years. Which five teams you ask? Oh, just the pre-World Champion White Sox, Brewers, Rockies, Diamondbacks, and now the Nationals. Or, as they are better known, the five teams that you can’t name more than two starting players for.
LF: Brian Jordan, Atlanta
The only active Major Leaguer to intercept Mark Rypien in a playoff game, Brian Jordan continues to remind us that, despite his .214 batting average in part-time play for a bad Atlanta team, he is still 2 Legit 2 Quit, even if he should.
CF: Ken Griffey Jr., Cincinnati
You wouldn’t think a player’s visibility could possibly drop after leaving Seattle, but Junior’s has- and then some. It seems like he vanished into a hole in the earth when he went to Cincinnati seven years ago in one of the more star-crossed free-agent signings of the last decade. In a strange way, he’s a lot like Pearl Jam: he’s still around, he’s still effective in his profession, but somehow he seems to belong to another era.
RF: Bernie Williams, NY Yankees
Just like the old Bernie Williams… except now he has a girl’s arm, no wheels, and the bat speed of a gate that hasn’t been opened in ten years. The Yankees actually cut him a couple of seasons ago, but they haven’t told him yet. Instead they’ve just stopped sending him paychecks, like Milton in Office Space. Better keep him away from the matches because that’s the only way his career will ever be en fuego again.
The DH (TIE) & Utility Players:
DH: Frank Thomas, Oakland A’s
The Big Hurt has certainly lived up to his name lately, but for far different reasons that he did early in his career. The monster of the late-nineties has become the gentle giant of the new millennium, which is why it is such a shock to hear his name when you get up to use the restroom during the Oakland highlights on Baseball Tonight.
DH: Ruben Sierra, Minnesota
You probably don’t know many of the position players on the Twins roster, but there is one name you’ll know. Thing is you had it figured he was coaching first base or something, not in the starting lineup. That’s right, Ruben Sierra, the once promising rookie card you prized only to slap it on your bike’s spokes a few years later is still hanging around. However, his current .185 batting average should see to it that forced retirement is right around the corner. Maybe he can call up Ricky Henderson and find a nice, out of the way independent league to play in next year.
Utility Player: Jeff Conine, Baltimore Orioles
Plays 1B, 3B and outfield. Please note the tense. Plays. Not played, but plays. As in, still plays. We’re not kidding. Look it up if you want to.
The Old School Four Man Rotation:
Jamie Moyer, Seattle Mariners
Forty-three, 20 years of MLB experience and you are surprised to learn he has pitched an inning since 1996. This is what ten years in Seattle gets you. Fortunately for Moyer, it also gets you an unbreakable addiction to caffeine, so it goes by pretty quick.
Pedro Astacio, Washington
Logged less than 50 innings combined in 2003 and 2004 combined with the Mets and Red Sox and has been on the DL for the entire season so far. Is Texas’s pitching this bad? Um, yeah. Is Pittsburgh’s worse? Yep. Look for the A-Train make one last stop in Steeltown in ’07 before drifting off into obscurity forever.
Steve Trachsel, New York Mets
139 career losses, 308 career home runs given up, and Trachsel is in the starting rotation for the National League’s best team. Then again, about six American League teams could slap the taste out of this team’s mouth in a seven-game series (and slap the activator off of Pedro Martinez’s curl while they’re at it).
Kenny Rogers, Detroit Tigers
Wait a second, did you say the Tigers have the best record in baseball? And Kenny Rogers is in their starting rotation? And he’s their ace? What planet am I on again?
The PEN:
Todd Jones, Detroit Tigers
Forget the surprise that he’s still playing for a moment and just look at this baseball card. Look at it. Amazing. And it’s his rookie card. Right then you had to know he’d be a great closer someday because that had to take balls. “Pose in my uniform? Fuck you. I’m goin’ two chains, some hair gel and a pattern shirt. It’s the only way to properly frame this perfect ‘stash.”
Mike Remlinger, Atlanta Braves
Mike Remlinger and Paul Assenmacher are the same person. Fact.
Rheal Cormier, Philadelphia
Owner of one of the pussiest names in baseball history, the 39-year old Canuck rocked a 5.89 ERA for the Phillies in ‘05. It’s currently under 2.00 in ’06- a perfect illustration of the utter crapshoot that is putting together a bullpen from year to year. It’s also a perfect illustration of Canadian inconsistency. Pick a goddamned language and go with it already.
Joe Table, Colorado
Table broke into the bigs as a 21-year old rookie starter with the Orioles in 1987 with the ever-dangerous combination of a fireballing right arm and a flammable Jeri Curl. Fortunately, there was never a Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial moment for Jose. Nineteen years, 930 appearances, 320 saves, one haircut, and one blown World Championship save opportunity later, Table is still at it.
Rudy Seanez, Boston
Hearing the name Rudy Seanez on the PA and watching him walkout of the Boston bullpen at a Tribe-BoSox game this April was like finding a living trilobite while you’re looking for crayfish. And how much does he look like Jose Marie Olazabel? Exactly, or just a shitload?
Tom Gordon, Philadelphia
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-FLASH Ah-ahhhhh! Hell save every game for us! Flash Gordon has done just about everything a pitcher can do- start, close, set up- in an 18-year Major League career that began with the Royals in 1989. How long has Tom Gordon been in the bigs? Going into his second big league season, Kansas City had the highest payroll in baseball. Now that was a long time ago.
Roberto Hernandez, Pittsburgh
The 41-year-old Hernandez is just eight blown saves away from 100 for his career. However, with Pittsburgh he may never reach this milestone unless they find a way to get a lead someday.
Terry Mulholland, Arizona Diamondbacks
When you google “oldest active players baseball”, you get one page of links. Half of them are directly related to Terry Mulholland. Is he active at the present time? No, no he is not. But some wannabe contender with a bad bullpen (the Reds?) might just need a LOOGY with experience. Years, and years, and years, of experience.
The MANAGER:
Sparky Anderson, The Upper Deck Hero’s of Baseball
Who better to manage this team than the incomparable George “Sparky” Anderson. It’s a perfect fit. Half the team won’t be able to hear what he says (which is nice because even people with perfect hearing can’t understand what he’s saying) while the other half will be too busy desperately hanging on to their failing career to care.
So there it is, you’re 2006 MLB “That Guy Still Plays?” Team. Agree with us? Yes? No? Then let your voice be heard below.
I saw an interview last summer with Terry Mulholland, the same Terry Mulholland who pitched a no-hitter for the Phillies in 1990 (16 years ago!). The same Terry Mulholland who went 12-9 in that magical 1993 season, the last time I had a serious rooting interest in the Phills. Anyway, I saw an interview with him and gave an honest to god "holy shit, he's still playing?" Look at a photo of him on Wikipedia. He has a gray goatee...and looks like that dude from Clerks.
Im a guy
No Mike Stanton
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Posted: 7/6/2006 9:30:59 AM
How can you leave off the "lefty specialist" Mike Stanton. 39 years young. 1-5 record for the Washington Nationals. 5.25 ERA. Here's a lil nugget:
Nationals LHP Mike Stanton made his 1,072nd career appearance Tuesday afternoon, moving into sole possession of third place on baseball's all-time list. Stanton, 39, trails only LHP Jesse Orosco (1,252) and LHP John Franco (1,119). He struck out two Marlins and allowed two hits in an inning of work
Patrick M
Von Hayes trade
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Posted: 7/6/2006 9:38:08 AM
Was the Phillies version of the Vikings getting Herschel Walker in exchange for...the future of a franchise.
Drawz
Who names their kid "Von" anyway?
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Posted: 7/6/2006 11:02:25 AM
Dead-on analogy, Patrick M, except you forgot that the Phillies management has years of blundering under their belts. It runs a lot deeper than Von "5-for-1" Hayes, i.e., Danny Tartabull? Gregg Jeffries?
Actually, when you look at this list, a lot of players played for the Phillies: Julio Franco, Todd Jones, Jose Mesa, Roberto Hernandez, Terry Mullholland, Rheal Cormier, and Flash Gordon.
deuce
griffey
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Posted: 7/6/2006 11:47:03 AM
fall from the public is mostly due to injuries. after last night's heartbreaker to milwaukee i think he's finally accumulated a full season's worth of games in the past 6 years. he has looked a lot more '91 this year than any in recent memory.. good call though
great read. and royce clayton? holy shit. is his rookie card worth the paper it's printed on?
Tom A
Fabulous
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Posted: 7/6/2006 11:49:43 AM
Now THAT's an example of a TPP Sports article we have come to know and love (and have, for the most part, sorely missed).
More, please.
P.S. Patrick, I hate you. I am sitting here, minding my own business, reading some TPP in between getting a bit of work done - just an average Thursday morning, and then BLAM!! - you drive a pick-axe into my skulll by reference THAT trade. I now have to go into a dark room and weep to the point of passing out from dehydration. Thanks a lot.
Guy McFace
Good read
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Posted: 7/6/2006 11:54:03 AM
enjoyed the Todd Jones rookie card. However, wouldnt call him a bad ass closer by any means. If he's bad ass, what does that make Rick Vaughn?
Oyster
Todd Hollandsworth
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Posted: 7/6/2006 11:57:06 AM
What about Todd Hollandsworth? He's driven in a run in each of his last seven games (or something like that), but the guy is a total joke. Even he knows he doesn't deserve to be in the league. When he comes up to bat at Tribe games, take a look at his picture on the jumbotron. He's got a smile on his face that seems to say, "I can't believe I've been fooling people into thinking I'm not totally worthless for all these years."
Joe Kickass
Well Done guys
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Posted: 7/6/2006 1:03:10 PM
A good, funny read for sure. But maybe check the facts... there's no way Ruben Sierra is still playing. I refuse to believe it.
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