 | Scene of the Stupidity |
* Note- these are not real quotes. Anyone who believes they are is just as stupid as "K2".
Idiotic Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. was seriously injured Sunday night when he flipped his dumb ass over the handlebars of his motorcycle.
The Westlake Police Department reported that the dumbshit former first-round pick, who has a clause in his gigantic, wholly unearned contract prohibiting "dangerous activity" that specifically includes motorcycling, was practicing figure-eights on his brand-new Suzuki GSX-R750 "Crotch Rocket" in a parking lot on the Cuyahoga Community College campus when he rode directly into a curb at 35 miles per hour. Winslow was thrown through a small tree and into a landscaped area, losing his improperly fastened helmet upon impact with the ground. The second-year tight end and lifelong moron was sent to the Cleveland Clinic with several undiagnosed internal injuries, as well as swelling in his shoulder and in his right knee. Preliminary reports say that Winslow has suffered a torn left anterior cruciate ligament, which would almost certainly put him out for the entire 2005 regular season.
Winslow caught a grand total of five passes for fifty yards as a rookie before his season was ended by a fractured left leg suffered during an onside kick late in the season's second game against Dallas. The kick, which the Browns recovered, was occasioned by Coach Butch Davis's idiotic decision to take an intentional safety and attempt to get the ball back for a Hail Mary, even though it had been clearly proven through 59:53 of play that Cleveland was simply too incompetent to win. Third-string quarterback Luke McCown's Hail Mary pass was incomplete as time ran out in Cleveland's 19-12 loss. McCown, the stupidest quarterback in the NFL in 2004, was in the game because starter Jeff Garcia was too Metrosexual to throw the ball all the way to the end zone.
 | The Prize Numbskull |
Winslow's career has been clouded by jackassery of one kind or another since he was taken by the Browns with the sixth overall pick in the 2004 NFL Draft. Cleveland traded up one spot in the first round for Detroit's selection; the Lions, who were planning on taking wide receiver Roy Williams before the trade, not only received Cleveland's first-round selection, but also their second-round pick. According to NFL.com's Gregg Easterbrook, this Draft Day trade is the fourth-stupidest decision in the history of the NFL, following San Diego's selection of Ryan Leaf in 1998, the Carroll Rosenbloom-Robert Irsay "franchise swap" in 1971, and Tampa Bay's adoption of a tangerine-and-cream color scheme prior to entering the league in 1976. Said Easterbrook, "The reason it is rated this highly is because Butch Davis was hornswaggled by Detroit President Matt Millen, a man regularly outwitted by houseplants."
Despite a fine record on the field, Winslow's career at the University of Miami was also marred by several cases of obvious stupidity. Following a loss to the University of Tennessee, Winslow engaged in a profane tirade and called himself a "soldier", despite the fact that he was not enlisted in any military service at the time. He also declared that "Miami didn't lose" the 2003 Fiesta Bowl, although Ohio State coach Jim Tressel, and not Miami coach Larry Coker, was awarded the National Championship trophy, and Ohio State scored more points in the game than Miami. Upon being drafted, Winslow referred to himself as "the LeBron James of football", which might be the stupidest thing anyone could possibly say, ever.
Winslow's injury last season cost him in excess of ten million dollars in lost performance bonuses and salary. There is no word on how much money his numbskulled behavior in the parking lot at Tri-C will cost him in '05, although his agents, the Poston brothers, have unofficially calculated it as being "a shitload". The Browns are unwilling to comment on the matter, although it has been reported that new General Manager Phil Savage has former Cleveland backup tight end Harry Holt "on speed-dial". There is also no official word on the matter from Cleveland principal owner Randy Lerner, although he was rumored to say, upon hearing of the accident, "We could have gone 4-12 last year with that dumbfuck, so hey."
 | Poor Kellen |
In possible relation to the Winslow injury, there are also unconfirmed reports that the Browns have cancelled direct "short bus" service to and from their training facility in Berea and the Happy Day School in Brady Lake, Ohio.
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