Section 9-17 of the zoning ordinance for Athens-Clarke County in Georgia clearly prohibits more than two unrelated tenants to occupy the same residence. Nonetheless, you could always expect to find at least seven or eight dudes and anywhere from three to five dogs sprawled out in the four bedroom house at 211 Elder Road. It is here that I lived in destitute squalor for three of the best years of my life.
It occurred to me that some of the shit that goes on in houses like these may be familiar to the point of being clich and that seemed like a good enough reason to at least roll through the starting lineup. The names have been omitted to protect, well probably not a whole lot, but I guess I better do that anyway.
The Martyr: He pays the bills on time, does roughly 98% of the cleaning, and keeps his room so orderly that his change is stacked according to either chronological presidential terms or ascending denomination. The Martyr is an obsessive-compulsive, manic depressive melodramatist who organizes all the house meetings, posts ill-fated cleaning schedules on the refrigerator, and generally aggravates the shit out of everyone. At least once a month he cons some unfortunate bastard into another one of his excruciating one-on-one therapy sessions about how its the fault of the same dad that pays for his car, tuition, and rent that hes so misunderstood. His hobbies include rushing home to do the dishes so he can bitch about having to do them and pretending to be suicidal. The others consider this guy an enormous pain in the ass, but ultimately realize that without him the house would have no electricity.
The Pot Head: Admittedly, most of the tenants smoke pot in varying degrees, but there is one guy who easily triples the consumption of the others combined. He swore up and down that hed look after those bastard dogs he brought home several months prior, but the crusty white substance that used to be dog shit lying on the living room carpet serves as prima facia evidence to the contrary. Guests of the house are astonished to learn that these fecal relics havent moved since their previous visit. The other tenants would love to get rid of them, but refuse to pick them up as a matter of principle. The Pot Head seems oblivious to the whole thing, focused more on the fact that he has once again run out of pot. Usually when this happens he summons the resourcefulness of a Naval Intelligence Specialist, working the phones and canvassing a six county radius until he eventually manages to zone in on what he likes to call "some of that good ole double creeper". Once his mission is complete, he resumes his normal routine of spilling bong water every day and falling asleep while taking a shit.
The Throw Stuff In the Yard Guy: The heaviest drinker of the bunch, this guy has come home on numerous occasions at 2 or 3 am and thrown the house vacuum cleaner into the yard for no apparent reason. A staunch Coca-Cola supporter, he has also been known to relieve the community refrigerator of its Pepsi products and sling them into the night too. Hes normally easygoing and nonviolent, but cant seem to shake this peculiar habit. His contributions in the way of home maintenance include putting helpful signs in the laundry room like Only pussies forget to clean the lint catcher and setting the kitchen on fire at least twice.
Often found In yard
The PlayStation Junkie: There is certainly nothing wrong with enjoying a little Madden Football or MVP Baseball on the house console. The PlayStation Junkie, however, will spend hours meticulously drafting and refining a baseball team to his exact specifications and then play an entire 162 game season over the span of a couple of weeks. The PlayStation Junkie likes to engage in lengthy debates with his virtual counterparts about how a particular outcome was total fucking bullshit. He can also be heard arguing balls and strikes with that fat son of a bitch [virtual Major League Baseball umpire Hunter] Wendlestedt or referring to the computer representation of Houston Astros catcher Brad Ausmus as a no-hit cock smoking homo.
The Guitarist: You can feel the air let out of the room when he reaches into the corner for that goddamn acoustic guitar. The Guitarist seems to think that Animals by Pink Floyd or whatever else might be playing on the house system sounds better when hes playing along with it. The other tenants stand in agreement that if his bullshit accompaniment improved the quality of the music then the band would have recorded it that way in the first place. This guy is also a known trash stacker who would rather waste fifteen minutes balancing a can on top of the overflowing trash than spend the two minutes it would consume to take it out.
The One Whos Never Home: Nobody has seen this dude for weeks. He might be at his girlfriends place, maybe at his moms, who knows. Its a good thing too because the once taken for granted pleasure of sitting down has become somewhat of a luxury. Fortunately, hes also cool about people crashing in his room. The thing that sucks, though, is that this guy gets like fifteen phone calls a day and somebody has to explain over and over again how they still dont know where the hell he is.
The Pizza Dick: He claims hes not hungry every time the group orders a pizza. Are you sure man the others ask. Yeah dog. I ate at my moms house earlier, the Pizza Dick insists. Without fail, when fresh pizza arrives a mere 30-45 minutes later the Pizza Dick, after presumably catching a couple of screamers on the community bong, begs his way into a pay-by-the-slice arrangement that ends up fucking up the entire distribution system for everybody. Come to think of it, why is he still here? Didn't he "move out to save money" like three months ago?
Enjoy shitting in laundry
The Girlfriend: At first shes cool; helps clean up the place, jokes around with the other guys, and even gets some warm greetings when she pops by every now and again. After about a month, though, shes sleeping there every night, has managed to completely commandeer one of the bathrooms, and has brought over a fucking cat to live in the house. In her mind, doing six loads of laundry at her boyfriends house every day is perfectly acceptable. The other tenants are just baffled that anybody could fuck a guy like their roommate who wipes his ass with his own sock when he runs out of toilet paper.
The Dogs: Everybody realizes that it isnt their fault. When it comes right down to it most the guys actually like them. That doesnt ease the tension, though, when a dude comes home to find a big wet dog turd splattered across his clean laundry pile. This usually results in the animals' liberation into the free world. Somehow they always manage to find their way back home, though. Streams of profanity can also be heard echoing thru the stairwell after yet another jacket, baseball glove, or bag of pot has been ripped to shreds. One time The Throw Stuff In the Yard Guy suffered a complete loss of self-control when these beasts gang-raped and ate the Christmas tree he had thoughtfully decorated the day before. Perhaps the bitter contrast between expecting to come home to a little Christmas cheer and instead discovering twelve piles of blue and red ornament-sprinkled dog shit where the tree once stood was too much for him to bear. As a result, the animals were promptly incarcerated into The Pot Heads room along with the remains of the tree where they stayed for several days. If not for the good cleaning deeds of The Martyr, The Pot Head would have returned home from his Christmas trip to find that the floor of his room had become a six inch layer of his own clothes, dog shit, tinsel, lights, urine, and pine needles.
flashback Posted: 4/27/2005by: haggs That brought back memories I thought were completely lost to burnt out brain cells. Thanks hell yes!! Posted: 4/18/2005by: Patrick Burrell As a current resident in Athens, Georgia and a student at the University of Georgia, this article spoke straight to my heart. Absolutely awesome. I even did a stint in a fraternity house. Imagine the characters you describe here magnified 60 times over. Thanks again for the article and I can't wait for the next installment! the best Posted: 4/18/2005by: wally That was the funniest article written since "look at my striped shirt". I was extremly entertained, thankk you. Commander Posted: 4/18/2005by: Laziejim One of the best articles I've read in a while....very well done... PS2 Posted: 4/18/2005by: Jimmy Jack my 162 is half way over, I should be done with the rest of the games in the next week. Time for virtual pennant race to heat up and for Pole smoking virtual Bartollo Colon to stop throwing no hitters against me! TRUTH Posted: 4/18/2005by: jeff We had a Pizza Dick too. He did what you're guy did and also would sometimes order it and wait till it got there to tell everbody he didn't have any money. Slacker Posted: 4/18/2005by: Jus Is it bad that I was The Martyr, The Playstation Junkie and The Guitarist? I'm thinking about seeking professional help after reading this. Adoption? Posted: 4/18/2005by: o.rob I think you guys should adopt a kid and raise him in that house...could film it and make a fortune on reality TV. At the very least, you'd prevent him from growing up to be a Republican -- and that's a service we can all appreciate. right on! Posted: 4/18/2005by: Gary I am afraid I was the Throw Stuff in the Yard Guy... As well as the Get The Cops Called Guy and the Accidentally Beat Up The Pizza Delivery Guy And the Burn Down the Kitchen Guy...
That was a good time. It has been all down hill from there. Openings? Posted: 4/18/2005by: Tommy D Foley, are y'all accepting applications for new tenants?
