I find myself often sitting at work thinking about all the places I've never been, all the people I've never met. Perhaps there is a new career path I could pursue. Then there are farts...
Farts are usually pretty funny. All right, Im big enough to admit I have a sophomoric sense of humor (I sometimes write for the Phat Phree dont I? - plug) they are hilarious. There are so many different kinds; so many different sounds and smells. Some horrible, some not so pungent. As I considered farts further it got me thinking could a single fart or a series farts kill another human being? Is it even possible? Could an assassin use farts as his weapon of choice? Could a lethal dose of ass gas be the calling card for a contract killer? Im not sure, but I set my sights on finding out. I mean, I'm not that into my day job anyway, and any good assassin gets to do a lot of traveling the world for clandestine 'operations'. Not to mention the satisfaction of pioneering a new industry via a new persona. That's damn exciting!
THE TOOLS If I was going to become the Fart Assassin, I first had to arm myself. I set out to find the perfect arsenal of farts. The following (in my opinion) are the ten deadliest farts known to man and would serve as my tool box:
10. The ShartThe Shart is a combo. Its when youre attempting to push out a fart, but the gas is accomanied by some shit. Id only use this fart in dire of circumstances. It does not only hurt your mark, but causes great suffering for the dealer as well not to mention new drawers.
09. Fire in the Hole, AKA Hot AssLike the Shart, Fire in the Hole is dangerous to all parties involved. As the name suggests, there is a certain amount of heat to this fart and it often can hurt the assassin worse than the target. Hot Ass has the ability to sting and burn the nose hair of an adversary, but unfortunately it has the same effect on the anus as it is released.
08. The SidewinderThe Sidewinder is a singular but punchy release. It does not quite have the power, volume, or gail force winds effect of Cannon Fodder, but the Sidewinder aint no chump either think of a .45. You can cause a lot of pain with the ol Sidewinder or a .45.
07. The Shotgun, AKA Wet ShrapnelThe Shotgun is variation of the Sidewinder, but with the 'buckshot' of a true shotgun blast! The Shotgun is really only the propulsion of dingleberries (those wonderful little pieces of toilet paper that get rolled up in your ass hair). Since the dingleberries need room to fly, this fart is best accomplished sans pants.
06. The Machine Gun, AKA Rapid Fire, AKA The Semi-AutomaticThe Machine Gun can be one long fart cut into small bits with sphincter control, or it can be many small farts in rapid succession. Rapid Fire can overwhelm your enemy with proper use. Anticipate your targets movements and release the Semi-Automatic will bring them down. A good wooden chair only serves to help the force of this fart.
05. The Stalker, AKA The Trailer, AKA The Secret AssassinThis fart is stealth, so it makes for a formidable weapon. The Stalker is a fart that seemingly has a timed smell release. You can release it at any point, in any position and then move to safer ground and watch the stench crumble even the toughest hombre. Be aware! You only have so much time to get outta Dodge before you are caught up in this farts deadly throws.
Cotton in the nose... a sure fire sign of the Fart Assassin.
04. Stomach Gumbo, AKA The Marinater Stomach Gumbo is a patient fart. This weapon takes days to build, but upon release youll know what your body has been working on all that time. The Marinater sits in the pit of your gut for days and then near total destruction.
03. Sphincter of NapalmSphincter of Napalm is similar to Stomach Gumbo in that it is a patient fart as well. However, the difference between the two lies within the linger factor; whereas The Marinater simply hangs around for a while, Sphincter of Napalm not only stays in the air, but provides a butt funk coating all over every object within a reasonable perimeter.
02. The Bazooka, AKA Cannon FodderThe Bazooka is characterized by shear volume and power. This fart is going to do more than stun a customer, its going to knock him/her back on their ass! Think civil war battlefield or galleys battling it out on the high seas (plus awful aroma) and youve got Cannon Fodder.
01. The Silent, but Violent, AKA The Silent, but DeadlyKnow one knows it is coming until they are fully and unmistakably engulfed in the farts wrath. Like the gradual rising of an evening tide, or the powerful splash of a tsunami TSBV's power is unmistakable. This fart just slides out pure and pristine. Natures anal silencer assures there is no warning of the complex death that the mark is going to suffer. A stealth fart to be sure, but with so much more power than the Trailer.
THE TRAINING After carefully assembling my tool box it was time to practice and train with my new arsenal. Being an assassin (and more importantly a good assassin) is not a job you just stumble into. It takes time, effort, and energy. With the help of an experienced master assassin, I established a rigorous training schedule. Fifteen weeks later I emerged focused and ready to fill my first order.
THE METHODOLOGY I got my first job via secret chat room meeting and set out to study the mark. After conducting a few weeks worth of surveillance I was ready to make my move. I decided this particular customer was weak and could be taken out quickly with two farts, hell bent on total annihilation. I secured two Glad Zipper freezer pouch bags with the guaranteed freshness seal. In bag number one I released Stomach Gumbo, immediately sealing in the fart, thus allowing it to marinate in the just desserts of its terrific splendor. In bag number two, the murder weapon Silent, but Violent sealed with a kiss to celebrate the awe inspiring horror which awaited the victim. I sent both sealed bags and a deviant note, which read surprise inside open bags please, in a fortified cardboard box to the soon-to-be victims address via UPS and ten days later I received a wire transfer of thirty-five dollars to my Swiss bank account. The Fart Assassin is born and waiting.
Send job or employment requests to thefartassassin187@hotmail.com or TFAkillerwith10deadlyfarts@yahoo.com... serious inquires only please.
Please add new or deadlier farts to the 'tool box' with comments below.
Didja notice...? Posted: 6/11/2005by: Frankie Did anyone else notice the vag on the fart assassin victim? THE DUCK Posted: 4/28/2005by: e This fart is best for targets out in nature. It has the sound of a duck quacking, but the smell is beyond and rotten egg. Since the sound is disguised as a duck, the witnesses cannot give a valid testimony. THE DIRTY BOMB... GOOD SHIT! Posted: 4/13/2005by: L I say the dirty bomb is completely legit (not to mention pretty damn funny)! Fuck purists... as the orginator of the article, I say the Dirty Bomb goes in the 'tool box' no questions asked. The goal is to be a good assassin, and the Dirty Bomb only helps in that pursuit. Thanks for the good shit, Lektor. Your post made me laugh. There is also the Dirty Bomb Posted: 4/13/2005by: Lektor The Dirty Bomb
Basically the dirty bomb is to be used only when occasion demands complete assholishness. It is not a purbred form of fart, and purists everywhere would disagree about whether it might be accurately used by a professional. Acting a lot like the eye gouge in wrestling, or the throat chop--primarily to stun the opponent/surprise victim in the event of an emergency, or if you are caught in a situation where retaliatory measures have been taken, the dirty bomb has no parallel. While your stomach is rumbling with any number of previously loaded farts, inhale quickly and belch out the garlic/salmon/lemon herb capers/cigarette smoke/morning-breath equivalency into the face of the attacker, and then, while they are ducking away, getting down underneath the cloud of fumigant belch, hit them with the swing-ass turbulence. It works as a combination with any fart. Usually, the Machine Gun will be most prevalent in this situation, as only ass-masters with enough control of themselves and experience in tight, cramped quarters under attack can legitimately load and fire anything else in the situation.
The squealer Posted: 4/12/2005by: Charlie Very nice. An alternate weapon in the arsenal might be the squealer. This beaut occurs when the dealer is in a sitting position and slightly leans to the side in an effort to engage the anal silencer, but a slight presence of moisture prevents complete engagement of the silencer and thus the long high pitched squeal similar to that noise created when stretching the neck of a rubber balloon while letting air escape. The squealer can be used effectively in combination with wet shrapnel to acquire the mark's attention before spraying dingleberries into his/her face.
