The last time I truly looked one of my peers in the eyes and shared a conversation I was a prepubescent teen. All of my life I had been the same height as anyone else give or take a few inches here and there. Then puberty came. The growing of hair in places it had never been before. The sprouting of boobies on young maidens. The cracking of a young male voice during roll call in middle school homeroom. And the climb towards the sky for most everyone at Sara Scott Harlee Middle School. For everyone except Joe Nash.
God stopped my erector set at 54, and while many other kids out there were not even close to being done with their growth, I was set in stone. I had the excitement of seeing the world from the view of most mens belly buttons and most womens chest for the rest of my life.
Being short sucks. Its not glorified like being a midget. At least when youre a midget, you get all of the fringe benefits. People want to see a midget because it puts them in good spirits. Hollywood has a huge calling for midget actors. If I was a midget, at least I could have made a buck or two off of the movies Willow or Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I mean, Billy Barty was one rich fucking midget.
When you are short, its like having a fucking disease. People refer to you as that short guy or the creepy short dude. I have had chicks come up to me in a bar and say, Awwwyoure short, and then pat my head and pout. Its not like I have a fucking broken arm, so dont patronize me. I honestly had a 63 co-worker ask me once, How do you handle your height? How do I handle my height? Its not a skin disease that I have to treat with ointments before I go out into the sun. I dont have to handle a fucking thing, ass munch. He also asked me if I was tall enough to ride the rides at most amusement parks. I laughed and said, No, but I am tall enough to head butt the shit out of your nuts!
Dating is a real treat when you are vertically challenged. Heres the real bitch.the average height of US females is, oddly enough, 54. You would think that this would be a blessing in disguise for me since I am right on par with them. However, some fucker who wrote childrens tales decided that men should be tall, dark and handsome. They wrote nothing about being short, pale and hairless. So since girls have been three years old that have been trained to avoid me like two day old milk. I actually had a 411 girl in high school refuse to go out with me because I was too short, and that hooker barely came to my shoulders. Fortunately I have found a girl that is 52 and I tower over her.
Then theres clothes shopping. Theres a Big & Tall section in most every store. Theres no Goddamn Short & Stocky there for me. Herve Villachaize could have made a killing opening such a store. Id have more luck finding the Abominable Snowman than finding pants short enough for my shitass legs. I cannot walk into a store and just purchase pants off the rack and wear them. Typically the shortest length you can find in jeans or slacks is 30. If I am ever on a date and crap my pants I am fucked. I one time found a pair of 28 length jeans and was exhilarated. Until I got to the dressing room and saw that they were husky pants. Husky pants are for lard ass kids, not for me. I am uncertain if they were indeed for some elementary chunklet or if they were correctly in the mens section. All I know for sure is they are the best fitting pair of jeans I have ever owned, so fuck it.
Need more proof that being a short guy sucks balls? OK, then try to use a public rest room when you 54. The urinal is a bigger problem than starving kids in Africa. In a standard mens room there are typically 3 urinals. One is for the kids and way down low, almost on the ground. Really anyone can use it as it is reachable at all levels. Anyone else uses it, no one says a word. If I use it, someone makes a short joke. But its better than using the regular urinal. Where you piss is approximately 32 inches off the floor, which is roughly two inches higher than where my wiener is. And if I want to use the tall boy, I either have to fret the chance of laying my cock on the dirty urinal or stand on my tippy toes. It's a lose-lose situation either way.
Dropping a deuce isnt much better. It seems I always get stuck with the handicapped stall. That toilet is higher than a barber chair. I seriously need a step stool to get up on that damn thing. Then my little feet dangle there and I lose circulation in the back of my legs. George Costanza said it best about the handi toilet on Seinfeld, I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building! And forget taking a look at myself in a mirror of a bar bathroom. The bastards there sometimes put the mirrors up for those 510 and higher, so all I get to see is the very top of my pathetic skull.
To quote my man Rodney Dangerfield, I get no respect. Even when I am trying to be a good fucking Samaritan I get bagged on. I was at the grocery store the other day in the drink aisle where two elderly Hispanic women were trying to get the last bottle of V-8 from the top shelf. Both were shorter than me and one had a cane. I immediately offered my help, but had to climb the damn shelves like Mt. Everest so my stubby arms could fetch that wretched beverage. The old ladies giggled and said, Ese hombre es tan corto. Even my remedial high school Spanish class ass knew that was a cut on me for being short. Old bitches.
The laundry list can go on forever. Its pathetic and whiny, I know. But until you have walked a mile in my size 8 shoes taking strides half the length of a normal man, please dont judge. If you do, you might just get that nut head butt I administered to my co-worker.
Awesome Posted: 7/29/2005by: Pablo Funniest thing I've read on the website. Short people suck Posted: 6/27/2005by: Chris There is no reason to be nice to anyone under 5'4'', anyone under that height i would wipe my ass with. I always take the midget urinal just to watch some shorty try to climb up the urinal.Im 14 and im 6'8'' and the midget in the locker room always wants to suck my dick or because i make him. . Posted: 6/21/2005by: Kelley I JUST RAN INTO THE 5'4 GUY!! Then I remembered this thread and how I confessed my feminine neurosis over sweating a guy 3 inches shorter than me, thinking he wouldn't like me for my height. 5'4 guy was hotter than ever and even though I probably seemed like a dumbass, I ended up with his number anyway. Thanks, Joe. Compensation Posted: 5/13/2005by: A Simon DUDE! I'm 5'6", so I'm WELL into your category, if a tad safer. Seems like every addtional inch helps make it a BIT easier. I've also found having a 3rd degree Black Belt adds to gaining respect. Only problem is the years and pain you have to put up with to get one of those! I gotta tell you. I've whipped the living hell out of a guy 6'7" before. He just couldn't take me seriously when he should have. AND, back in my tournament fighting days, I had to go up against a guy your size. Stupidly, I thought, "Geez, he's so small. I should be able to take him out easily." Brain fart. I should have remembered the struggle I went through, where everybody was bigger than me, had longer arms and legs, and the ways I had to learn to get past that to kick ass. That little dude knocked 2 of my teeth loose, and basically spanked me like a red-headed stepchild! It helps your self-confidence a lot, believe me. And that's a big key to getting the girls. I've dated 'em from a couple inches taller than me to my height and below. Girls like a hardbody and a bad boy, they ALL do, and they'll overlook things like a size 29 inseam sometimes. Other times, the kind that won't talk to you or give you the time of day? What do you need them for? NOTHING. Get your head up high, your spirits up, go learn how to kick some ass, and believe you got something to offer, man. B-town Posted: 5/10/2005by: Pumkin Escobar You're short annnnd you grew up in Bradenton?? I'm amazed you haven't jumped off the Skyway yet. Moe Posted: 5/10/2005by: mohammad Man am 6.5 and long in all directions,,,being short for women is ok,,,i can only feel sorry for short guys,,it has to be a bitch Ladder Posted: 5/2/2005by: Telly Short is all right!
telly Good to be short Posted: 5/2/2005by: Buddylee about a year ago power went out at work. trying to find our way through the dark i made it ok. a few seconds later i heard to big bangs... both my co-workers smacked their head on the ventilation ducts. You aren't alone Joe Posted: 5/1/2005by: C. Hamre There are many of us short guys and gals out there who know exactly where you are coming from Joe. Have you been to www.shortsupport.org, there are al kinds of articles on the topic? Yes, it's all true Posted: 4/28/2005by: sympathetic girl I used to date a guy who's 5'7" (the same height as me). With every new pants purchase, it also meant that I had a new hemming project to do. He actually bought "husky" jeans as well since re-hemmed jeans look fucking retarded.
