When you think about it, a bachelorette party is the single guys ultimate scenario. A parade of drunken, sexually charged females roaming the bar in celebration of their friends upcoming wedding. They just had a private party at a nearby apartment in which they exchanged various sex toys and masturbation aides. From there, they took it to the strip club and watched very gay, but scantily clad muscular men dance and wave their limp junk in their faces. Now they are all here, under the same roof as you, and every one of them is drinking from straws shaped like penises. Talk about a silver platter.
But how do you penetrate this posse (pun and semi-homonym intended)? Where do you begin? Well, for starters you must identify the elements at work. A bachelorette party is a vast array of quiet desperation and screaming insecurities. It is a group of women that are openly embracing all things phallic. It is a girls night out with no repercussions. In short, when properly understood, it is a wide open playing field.
Heres your playbook:
The Maid of Honor
This is her party. She orchestrated it, paid for it and shell be damned if shes going to let you come along and ruin it. Identify her as soon as possible. Depending on the general level of debauchery, she can be a great ally. In other cases she can be your worst enemy. It is generally best to avoid going after her unless it becomes apparent that she is in a competition with the bachelorette, in which case this can be exploited to your advantage. A key signal to look for is constant attempts to draw attention to herself, often by engaging in sexually suggestive behavior and even flashing. In such cases she is an easy mark.
The Screamer
Every twenty-seconds she holds her drink in the air and shouts, Whoooo! in the most obnoxious, high-pitched squeal known to man. You cleverly state that youve got something to shut her up while grabbing your scrotum, much to the delight of your buddies. Somewhere across the bar a voice yells out, This isnt a rollercoaster, bitch! Still, her incessant screaming continues until finally she has one shot too many and quiets down. At this point shes easily approachable, but remember that shrieking voice, and keep in mind thats what youll hear if you take her home. Think twice about this one.
The Secretary
Shes the insecure one that isnt very comfortable drinking a virgin strawberry daiquiri through a long, thick, black straw. She probably has short hair and glasses. Her relationship with the bachelorette had previously been restricted to the work environment, so shes still in a state of shock. If you can get her to shun the non-alcoholic drinks she can become the life of the party, but it wont be easy. For those of you out there that love a challenge, this is it. For the rest of you, there are plenty of other girls in the party that are a lot easier to obtain.
The Drunk
Bye-bye inhibitions!
If she manages not to pass out shes an easy play. However, her overprotective friends may guard her from your advances like the treasure that she aint. Regardless, she really isnt worth pursuing. Even if you do leave the bar with her youll feel more like a trainer carrying an injured player off the field than anything else. By the time you make it to your car shell be sound asleep, and now shes your responsibility plus there is better than a fifty-percent chance shell vomit on your floorboards. Save yourself the trouble.
The Bitter Divorcee
She doesnt know what everyones getting so worked up about. After all, in a years time the bachelorettes husband is just going to end up cheating on her with his co-worker. You can identify her by her constant sneers and the fact that shes drinking Scotch on the rocks. Despite her unapproachable appearance, she is actually the most likely to go home with you that night. If you find yourself in such a situation, abandon all thoughts of a soft, gentle sexual encounter. She wants one thing and one thing only- a good old fashioned hate fuck. Plan accordingly.
The Born Again
Formerly The Drunk, she has since changed her ways and now answers to a higher calling. Shes the one in the white sweater with the pearl necklace. Play your cards right with this one and you can give her a different kind of pearl necklace later on. This is a delicate dance, and again should only be attempted by those who are in search of a challenge. The advantage here is that if you manage to convince her to revert to her old ways, youll unleash a lion of sexual energy. The disadvantage is that shell then expect you to convert and marry her.
The Thickie
Also known as The Biggie and The Heifer she is the easiest to identify. Shes listed on Match.com as having a few extra pounds, but the reality is shes got a few dozen extra pounds. This is nothing that a few extra beers on your end cant erase. She probably even has a cute face and if you approach her there is a very good chance shell be encouraged by her friends to go for it. However, while shes heavy on a scale, shes light on experience. Youll have to make all the moves and play the role of teacher on this one. Still, if thats your thing, this is your girl.
The Whore
Shes dirty. Very dirty. Shes the one that keeps bringing everyone up to the bar and ordering Blowjob Shots. Also look for visible tattoos and excessive cleavage. While she wears sex on her sleeve, she actually only goes for a specific type of guy- her counterpart, The Male Whore. To close the deal on this one not only must you must speak her language, but you must have the look. Tattoos, hair gel, and Hepatitis are traits that she is naturally drawn to. And while shes had many sexual escapades in her days its worth noting that in her mind no one will ever compare to her first time- with her stepfather.
1000 words isn't enough for this
The Bachelorette
The woman of the hour, shes had sex thrown in her face all evening. Depending on a wide range of factors shes is either off limits or fair game. It is not recommended that you make any advances toward her, if for no other reason just because its bad form. However, in some cases she may be encouraged to come on to you. In such instances, all bets are off. It isnt your fault that shes a hooker. If anything, perhaps the sap shes going to marry will find out about it and save himself the trouble of marrying this slut. Youd actually be doing him a favor. In any event, should the bride-to-be end up with you at the end of the evening, remember- karma is a bitch. Unless you intend to grow a mustache, live on a houseboat and remain single the rest of your life think twice before bedding the woman of the hour. Or bang the shit out of her, what do I care.
So there you have it. Next time you see that group of women parading through the bar, ordering shots for the one in the veil, remember this list and put it to use. Then be sure to come back and comment on your experience below. Also feel free to add your list of supporting players.
jtmxgl rkgax Posted: 10/6/2006by: fojmduye@mail.com octvfzh hfyqkwi zhjqkplw fvdje hvikgjrqt cfkyloa inxerd Thanks for that image asshole Posted: 8/30/2005by: Joe Dirt I ranked this article a 1 just for making me look at that third picture... its going to haunt me for the rest of my life. thanks asshole bride's perspective Posted: 8/30/2005by: nancy reagan at my hen night, as they call it outside the u.s., my dearest friends got single guys to come up to me and kiss me all night. it was great. i hooked up with this guy i'd always fancied and have photos of us in the men's room together. i'm drinking a martini and wearing a tiara. classy. oh, yeah: i'm divorced now. surprise, surprise repeat? Posted: 8/29/2005by: dunkterfunk Didn't you guys post this article last week? bach party Posted: 8/29/2005by: jim r I liked this the first time I saw this 20 years ago it was "bachelor party" what a douchebag cocksucker. Write something original Hilaarious Posted: 8/28/2005by: uhhh Great article. I've had four encounters with bachlorette parties. I think the bachlorette is always the easiest target.
At the first the girl of the hour asked to lick salt off my neck for a shot of tequila. I complied, and she sucked it off nicely. I then tried to hit on her friends but it was too no avail.
At the second, the drunk-ass bachlorette was wearing a candy necklace, and she asked me to eat some of it while she wore it. I did, and then also sucked her neck a little bit as I. I had already started to grope her and she wasn't moving my hands away. She was loving it but then her friend came to her rescue.
The third was down the shore, this bitch was wasted and HOT. I ended up kissing her on the dance floor while her friend grinded between us. When I tried to follow up with her again later her friends quickly sheilded her and one of them presented herself to me as sharkbait, but she was really hot too so i took the bait and tried to talk to her but nothing happened.
The fourth was last night. These girls had a giant inflatable penis on the dance floor. Literally 5 feet tall. But they were really beat up looking. They asked me to sign the penis so i wrote "I may be drunk, but you'll always be ugly."
and one more thing Posted: 8/27/2005by: P-Phunk Jesse, Ive heard your Alan Thicke theory many times, but every chubbie I porked acted like it was her wedding night. I thinking a maid of honor is what i need to clean out the old plumbing. Holy Shit Posted: 8/27/2005by: P-Phunk Great article man, right on the money. "Or bang the shit out of her, what do I care." Hilarious, this is the first article Ive read of yours, and I'll definetly be back for more!
TRUE Posted: 8/27/2005by: BAIT ths back my buddies and I were at a nightclub where a local bachelorette party was underway. The maid of honor approached us and explained that she was unable to procure male strippers for the evening. She inquired if we would be kind enough to pretend that we were the "preferred entertainment" and just hang out and dance with them. Being the kind hearted and thoughtful guys we are of course we agreed.
What ensued over the next several hours were the most sexually abusive and defiling experiences of my life. These girls were not just all whores they were all drunken whores. I was molested. At times it was incredible then, terrifying. Even the bride was in full whore swing. At one point the woman of the hour demanded that I "Grind my cock into her ass as hard as I can" while dancing with her. One of my buddies ended up having a threesome later that night, one of the girls was a married woman. Greatest night ever. Awesome article. All tried and true.
P.S. Jennifer- Youve got some serious issues. It may be too late for you to get that bug removed from your ass but try and lighten up anyway. No one cares about your website nor do they care whether or not your picture may or may not appear on someone elses.
omg Posted: 8/27/2005by: Max OMGz0rz Warlock is teh pwn4g3
