In 1989, the Cleveland Indians had one of the greatest arms the organization had ever seenan arm capable of bringing 101mph of untouchable gas. An arm that energized Cleveland Municipal Stadium, blew away the competition, and led them all the way to the division title. The arm belonged to Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn and he didn't really exist.
In reality, the 89 Tribe started out 4-1 but finished the year with a dismal 73-89 record. They would have been lucky to have an arm that could throw 91mph let alone triple-digit heat. However, a mere six years later the Tribe actually did win the division and the pennant thus fulfilling the first two of the "Major League Prophecies. The final prophecy, that the team will be reduced to a minor league club coached by Scott Bakula, has yet to be satisfied.
Then in 1998 in a moment clearly reminiscent of Ricky Vaughn's rock and roll entrance to the song "Wild Thing," San Diego closer Trevor Hoffman began to emerge from the bullpen to the echoing tolls and meaty riffs of AC/DC's "Hells Bells." The usually subdued Southern California crowd ate it up, and a Major League tradition was born.
Since that time, closers have come to be defined by the songs they enter the game to. From Eric Gagne's "Welcome to the Jungle" to Mariano Rivera's "Enter Sandman" these flamethrowers' musical choices reflect the dominance that they bring with them to the mound. But then there are those closers that really don't have the stuff to back up their choice in musical accompaniment. Try as they might to fire up the crowd and set the stage by entering to "Thunderstruck," two walks and a double off the wall later they are leaving to the field to the 80s pop-classic I Cant Stand Losing by the Police.
Here are some suggestions for some of today's less-than-sure-thing closers that would be more fitting than whatever comically inappropriate tune they use now.
Yhency Brazoban, Los Angeles Dodgers - "Give It Away" Red Hot Chili Peppers
With a 5.67 ERA and a 2-6 record, Brazoban isn't just "giving it away," he's serving it up on a silver platter about belt high and with incredible consistency. In fairness to Brazoban, he has only been a pitcher for four years and he's suddenly expected to replace one of the best closers in the game. But as they say, this is the big leagues, son. Pick it up! A 99mph fastball is great when you can compliment it with something else, hell, anything else. Unfortunately for Dodger fans, he can't. So listen up Brazoban: can that Merengue crap you've been jogging out to, and throw down some Chilis so the fans at least know what to expect. Comprende?
I'd rather see Flea on the mound
Jose Mesa, Pittsburgh Pirates - "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" Pat Benatar
At 39-years-old he should be throwing pregame batting practice. Instead he throws 9th inning batting practice to whoever the lucky team is that gets to face him. With a 2-6 record Mesa is far from the pitcher he used to be. Two years ago he finished up the season with a 6.52 ERA. Most guys would walk away from the game after that. Mesa did the next best thing... he took his act to Pittsburgh which is a place where rookies go to play until they are eligible for free-agency and veterans go to die. At least if he strolled out to Pat Benatar he can be acknowledged for what he is, a real tough cookie with the long historyof failure.
Tyler Walker, San Francisco - "Closing Time" Semisonic
It would be appropriate for this native San Franciscan to take the mound accompanied by the melodramatic wailings of Semisonic's only hit song "Closing Time" because the lyrics have nothing to do with closing a baseball game. Having blown three of his last four save chances Walker would be better suited closing down bars than taking the mound in the ninth. In fact, in light of his recent ineffectiveness, his teammates would probably pick up the tab.
Dan Kolb, Atlanta Braves - "Walk This Way" Aerosmith
And not the sweet version with RunDMC
Blew 5 out of 16 save opportunities, sports a 4.98 ERA, and a goatee. Also has an awful strikeouts to walks ratio that barely breaks 1:1 (28:24 specifically). Nothing hurts a club more than a closer who can't find the damn strike zone. Just ask any Philly fan about that. After two decent years in Milwaukee, Kolb was all but handed the closer's role in the Spring, and promptly gave it right back barely a month into the season due to his ineffectiveness. Through it all, Kolb has managed to hang on to one thing- his goatee.
Next Time: The AL closers, and some recommendations for batters. In the meantime, lets talk more NL relievers and the tunes that compliment their game.
Wow Posted: 8/10/2005by: Pablo Um....I'm not a Yankees fan you fucking moron. I'm a Dodger man. You stupid shit. One Quibble Posted: 8/10/2005by: Frisco Ho The Giants don't have a closer. They overpaid for "Money for Nothing" Benitez, who promptly pulled a nutsack muscle while trying to cover first. Walker is a middle reliever who ends up pitching in the 9th because Felipe "Rabbit Ears" Alou has used everyone else already.
Nice article - sorry for the rant. Pablo = Fag Posted: 8/10/2005by: Beetle Hey Pablo, How does 4 1/2 games out feel?? Go eat a dick! Fuck Boston Posted: 8/10/2005by: Pablo Remember how Schilling came out of the bullpen to Welcome to the Jungle a month ago? And remember how that Bush-loving Alaskan douchebagthen gave up a game-losing two-run HR to Alex Rodriguez?
Yeah, what an asshole. Not Chan Ho Park Posted: 8/9/2005by: mike It was Byung Hyun Kim who blew the saves for the diamondbacks not Chan Ho Park d. snyder: your answer Posted: 8/9/2005by: sharky It's from his asshole quote he said, here ya go, dude:
"I'm more embarrassed to walk into this locker room and look at the faces of my teammates than I am to walk out and see Johnny from Burger King booing me." -- Keith "Don't Call Me a Closer" Foulke
Johnny Fucking Burgerking Posted: 8/9/2005by: D. Snyder You forgot to touch on Keith Foulke's magical season. He's so bad that I heard people in Boston are calling him Johnny Burger King. Anybody know what the fuck that means?? re: funny shit Posted: 8/9/2005by: joe jack you're wrong it was byung hyun kim with the blown WS saves with ari vs the yankees, not chan ho park, park has always been a starter Songs Posted: 8/9/2005by: MEH Derrick Turnbow (MIL) - "Where is the Next One Coming From?" - B.B. King b/c Milwaulkee keeps pulling these random closers out of their arse.
Chad Cordero (WAS) - "Who Are You" - The Who For the most unexpected closing success story this year
Todd Jones (FLA) - "Repater" - Fugazi For somehow throwing down more saves than he's had since 2000
Arizona Bullpen - "Trapped in the Closet" - R. Kelly For the largest cast of characters trying (and failing) to close games out. (Also, AZ fans wish to urinate on them.) braden pooper Posted: 8/9/2005by: sigh "you dropped a bomb on me"
