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There is a thriving underground bartering system in the United States today that for the purpose of this article shall be known as The Porn Trade. The participants range from teenagers to thirty-somethings who seek nothing more than fair value in exchange for their wares, which in most cases consists of glossy magazines and VHS tapes.
The Porn Trade may be in its last days. With the rise of broadband internet connections and the subsequent access to unlimited amounts of pornographic material online, the need for such an industry is dwindling. While it will most certainly always exist on a smaller scale, The Porn Trade’s heyday is likely behind us. However, this does not mean that we should forget about it. In fact, to the contrary, we should work to maintain it as a way of life, an American way of life that will be passed on for generations to come. The following is a guide to help understand and hopefully carry on the proud tradition of The Porn Trade as we know it today.
For most young men the entry into the society of The Porn Trade is a natural right of passage. The transition from trading baseball cards to pornography can be so seamless that you almost wouldn’t know it happened, except for the fact that baseball cards are rarely stored under a mattress. Then one day you grow up, move out and get your very own PO box, and the acquisition process begins.
Soon you begin to tire of your collection. It is no longer new and exciting but a lot of money was invested, and you begin to wonder if there are others out there in a similar predicament. After asking around a bit you find that there are indeed others, and they are willing to discuss trade options. It is at this point that you realize you must categorize your inventory and break it down as if you were the general manager of a baseball team. In most cases the categories are as follows:
The Untouchables
There are a lot of memories here and some of them you aren’t willing to let go so easily. Others you aren’t willing to let go of at all. Though your prospective trade partner is aware of these selections, you quickly make it known that they are not on the trading table due to sentimental value.
The Unmentionables
Yeah, you have a Japanese bukkake video in your collection, but there is no way anyone is going to know about it unless you’re sure they have equal or worse pornography in their collection (see bestiality). Even still, such disclosures can only hurt an otherwise open and shut deal, so they are best left alone. Besides, do you really want to make a deal with someone that admits to being into that shit?
The Trade Bait
You’re off Jenna Jameson for the time being, but you have several videos featuring her. You can easily spare one or two but you keep that to yourself, instead hyping the particular feature and stating that it will take a lot in return for you to let this one go. You’ve now maximized your leverage and should be able to get that Asia Carrera video you’ve coveted for so long.
The Throw-Ins
These are the old magazines, VHS tapes with poor tracking and other various items with little or no value on their own that can be used to sweeten the pot on the multi-item trades. Oftentimes these are about a week away from going from throw-ins to throw-aways anyhow, but this is never revealed during negotiations.
The Big Fish
Trading porn is as old as America
These are the high-ticket items that are reserved only for blockbuster deals that come your way. They are close to being categorized as “untouchable” but not quite. In fact, in many cases they recently were classified as such, but for whatever reason they slipped down the line. Still, these are the equivalent of a solid player with a long-term contract and a no-trade clause. They are unlikely to be going anywhere anytime soon.
Once such categorizations have been made, you are now ready to begin seeking out deals. As such, careful consideration must be made as to who you are going to be dealing with and how. While The Porn Trade primarily consists of fair, honest people, there are still shysters and cons out there that will sucker you into making a trade for a tape with nothing but half of a "Parker Lewis Can’t Lose" episode and "The Price is Right" on it. With that in mind, the following are a few types of the prospective trade partners you may encounter:
The Rich Kid
This guy has a trust fund and spends most if not all of it on pornography. If you are fortunate enough to encounter him in your dealings, count your blessings. He is traditionally met in college and is willing to part with amazing value for very little in return. Get in good with this guy, and he’ll be the only trading partner you’ll ever need.
The Phantom Trader
Never make deals with this guy. He’s the one that shows up empty-handed with lavish promises about what he’ll trade in return that never come due. Also known as “The Borrower” he’s always looking to get something for nothing. Keep tabs on your inventory when this guy comes around, because the odds are good he’s not leaving with empty pockets.
The Doppelganger
Like “The Rich Kid” this is a rare counterpart, but when encountered this can be a great arrangement for both parties. This is the guy that shares your personal tastes exactly. You’re a “big ass” guy? So’s he! You like “itty bitty titties”? That’s his forte! The only problem is that nothing lasts forever. Over time there is a very good chance that your tastes will drift, so make use of it while you can.
The Horse Trader
Despite the name, he is not offering any “farm sex” videos (unless that’s your thing), but rather a shrewd, skilled negotiator that will catch you with your pants down and leave you wondering what the hell happened to your “untouchables”. Watch out for this guy when trading porn as well as down the line when you are setting up your retirement. And again, this is not a “farm sex” reference, but he’s a classic wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The Creep
There's more than one way for a woman to ride a horse
He’s got some weird shit- really weird. The unimaginable comes to life within the realm of his collection. You wont seek him out, but he may find you. In this instance it is best to avoid touching anything that belongs to him if at all possible. Treat him like you would a Mormon that comes knocking on your door early on a Saturday morning. Also- and this can not be stressed enough- do not, under any circumstances, shake his hand.
Now that you have categorized your inventory and sized up the competition you are ready to begin trading. At this point there isn’t much this article can help you with that will substitute for experience, so it’s time to get out there and start making deals. Help keep The Porn Trade alive and well. Technology be damned! Blow the dust off those old tapes and warm up your VCR. If we all do our part we can ensure that our grandkids and our grandkids’ grandkids will all be a part of this fine time-honored tradition.
I liked the picture with the superimposed vhs tapes. nice.
Southern Gent
So true.
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Posted: 9/30/2005 9:44:07 AM
I have traded, and I was duped into taking some crappy vhs porn where the chicks had more pubs than I did. I'm not old enough to be numb to all that pubic hair in older porns. I totally respect 70's and 80's porn, but I would totally get into it if it wasn't for all the dirty pubs everywhere!
Stu P
Very Nice
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Posted: 9/30/2005 11:15:54 AM
Thanks for the very good information
B
Pubs?
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Posted: 9/30/2005 12:20:49 PM
What the fuck are you talking about? Pubes. There you go.
Mike
quality
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Posted: 9/30/2005 12:54:52 PM
this is like those NBC commercials....."The more you know..."
me eat booger
fantastic
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Posted: 9/30/2005 1:35:19 PM
great story to start the day, very funny
Tony Plow
Seek This Out
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Posted: 9/30/2005 2:02:36 PM
If you want some really funny shit, look for the movie "Ass Pounders." I've never seen so many looks of pure discomfort before. A grade A laugh fest.
Paul
Dated ...
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Posted: 9/30/2005 4:41:00 PM
This would have been a great/hilarious article in about 1998, before you could download as much free porn as you desired on Kazaa, Ares, BeaShare, LimeWire or whatever ... the idea of people still out there trading VHS cassettes seems entirely implausible.
My guess is that you got the idea for this article 5 years ago and never had an avenue by which to print it -- and that, subsequently, you have not come up with another decent idea in that time -- so, when the opportunity to write something for this publication came to pass, you thought you'd toss it in now and see if anyone noticed the fact that it is horribly antiquated ... sweet.
I'm now going to write an article for my website about how I plan to get 3 hookers, an eight ball and a rocket fueled funny car to go out in a blaze of glory before the Y2K bug hits on New Years Eve, 1999; it's gonna be bad-ass!!!
Phil
RE: Dated
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Posted: 9/30/2005 7:01:34 PM
Regarding Paul's post, not true! -Having a VHS tape or glossy porno mag is a lot like how some people collect music albums on vinyl records. –Some people just prefer the old fashioned method over the digital! –Tapes & DVD’s also come in handy when you are sick of watching 15-second loops of the promo- porn clips over and over again (if you’re a cheap bastard like me. Who pays for Internet porn anyway?) – I had a whole porn library going with my old roommate only a year or two ago! Great article!
Sammy Baugh
True
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Posted: 10/1/2005 12:35:05 AM
This article hits close to home. Not only am I a porn trade veteran but so was my father. I can remember stealing his porn and seeing new stuff every few months with the old stuff gone. The Porn Trade is an institution.
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