Danys Baez, Tampa Bay Devil Rays - “Born To Lose" Black Sabbath
Things have been bad for Baez since he was born in Cuba. After all, his parents inconsiderately named him Danys. He had to defect from Cuba and now he plays for the Devil Rays. While he has a respectable 2.90 ERA he has blown 7 out of 30 save chances. Of the 20 runs he’s allowed this year 20% have been unearned. For some reason shit just doesn't seem to go this guy's way.
Troy Percival, Detroit Tigers – “Let’s Get Rocked” Def Leppard
Out for the year with his umpteenth arm injury, Percival will end the 2005 campaign with a bloated 5.76 ERA. He blew 3 of his 11 save chances and got paid $5.9 million to do so. He tallied 25 innings, which breaks down to $236,000 per inning or $78,667 per out. And while the countless incisions on his throwing arm makes Frankenstein look like a Clearasil model, it’s hard to feel too sorry for him when he gets paid that kind of cash just to throw a few innings and have arm surgery every year.
Bob Wickman, Cleveland Indians – “Betterman” Pearl Jam
How the hell am I leading the league in saves?
Sure, he’s leading the AL in saves, but that’s only because he’s had the most chances. It would be fitting to see Wickman warming up to the backdrop of “Can’t find a better man” only because there is no song that sings “Won’t pay for a better man.” He’s let five games go so far this year with more to come. His 22:16 strikeout to walk ratio leaves a lot to be desired, especially for a closer and on top of that he sports an 0-3 record. His 22 Ks in 44+ innings of work reflect his lack of dominance. Oh, and he’s also about 50 pounds overweight.
Keith Foulke, Boston Red Sox – “Burger King" Weird Al Yankovic
Currently the in-house enemy of Red Sox Nation Foulke recently had this quote regarding his poor performance this season: "I'm more embarrassed to walk into this locker room and look at the faces of my teammates than I am to walk out and see Johnny from Burger King booing me.” At least he didn’t go all John Rocker and call out Jose from Taco Bell or he’d have had bigger problems to deal with. He is currently on the DL while loudmouth Curt Schilling is excelling in the role he sucked at. His 6.23 ERA is the highest among active closers and quite surprising considering it comes after six consecutive years with an ERA under 3.00. He has also allowed 8 home runs in only 39 innings. His 8.35 ERA in Fenway Park isn’t aiding his standing among the suddenly expectant Sox fans. Oh, and the Weird Al song? It's to the tune of "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger. These are the lyrics:
Nothing gets the crowd pumped like a little Weird Al
Burger king! What’s the price for fries? I’ll take the jumbo size! I need fast food tonight!
Sing it Red Sox Nation... sing it proud.
Next Time: Bonds, Palmerio, Giambi, Piazza, and more. I know yesterday I said I was going to do some offensive players today, but we'll save it for another day. So look for part three of this two part article soon.
Cmon Scott, don't you think this topic is getting fucking old? You could obviously come up with a clever little song for every player in the fuckin league, but is it really funny anymore? Do us all a favor and cut this shit out while your still ahead. Just remember the Godfather Part III when writing your next piece you repeating piece of shit.
Mike S
Johnny Damon
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/10/2005 10:19:15 AM
Doesn't he come out to, "It's raining men"?
bobo
Scott
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/10/2005 11:08:04 AM
Thanks for the story and explaining the Keith Foulke quote. Hey STEVE remember Basketball Diaries next time you sucking cock in a bathroom for cash.
albanian guy
Jesus Christ!
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/10/2005 12:25:58 PM
Please God, no more. This article fucking sucks! Not funny, boring read, just stupid. Ughhh, I feel shitty just from reading it.
Gordon Gekko
Wickman
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/10/2005 1:15:32 PM
BLOWS (a little less than this article), I was at the Tribe v Yankees game when he blew it.
Sam
Boooooo!....
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/10/2005 1:25:58 PM
How about "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" by the Smiths to describe the last two articles you've written?
Ron Freeman
hey albanian guy
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/10/2005 2:29:46 PM
are you sure you don't feel shitty just from being albanian?
Frisco Ho
Keep it Up!
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/10/2005 4:53:47 PM
Dude (and hopefully TPP): pay no attention to the 'Haters. You've got a light, funny style, and you obviously don't take this stuff (or yourself) too seriously. Keep 'em coming!
But please leave Bob Wickman alone. Guys who can play in the Bigs with bodies like Barcaloungers RULE!
Pablo
Hmmm
()
Post #: 9
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/10/2005 6:24:06 PM
Very creepy. I was listening to that Sister Christian song off the Boogie Nights soundtrack as I read this. Anyway, are you related to the great closer Trevor Hoffman and his crappy 3rd base coach brother Glenn?
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
