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Wild Thing
In 1989, the Cleveland Indians had one of the greatest arms the organization had ever seen—an arm capable of bringing 101mph of untouchable gas. An arm that energized Cleveland Municipal Stadium, blew away the competition, and led them all the way to the division title. The arm belonged to Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn and he didn't really exist.
In reality, the ‘89 Tribe started out 4-1 but finished the year with a dismal 73-89 record. They would have been lucky to have an arm that could throw 91mph let alone triple-digit heat. However, a mere six years later the Tribe actually did win the division and the pennant thus fulfilling the first two of the "Major League Prophecies.” The final prophecy, that the team will be reduced to a minor league club coached by Scott Bakula, has yet to be satisfied.
Then in 1998 in a moment clearly reminiscent of Ricky Vaughn's rock and roll entrance to the song "Wild Thing," San Diego closer Trevor Hoffman began to emerge from the bullpen to the echoing tolls and meaty riffs of AC/DC's "Hells Bells." The usually subdued Southern California crowd ate it up, and a Major League tradition was born.
Since that time, closers have come to be defined by the songs they enter the game to. From Eric Gagne's "Welcome to the Jungle" to Mariano Rivera's "Enter Sandman" these flamethrowers' musical choices reflect the dominance that they bring with them to the mound. But then there are those closers that really don't have the stuff to back up their choice in musical accompaniment. Try as they might to fire up the crowd and set the stage by entering to "Thunderstruck," two walks and a double off the wall later they are leaving to the field to the 80’s pop-classic “I Can’t Stand Losing” by the Police.
Here are some suggestions for some of today's less-than-sure-thing closers that would be more fitting than whatever comically inappropriate tune they use now.
Yhency Brazoban, Los Angeles Dodgers - "Give It Away" Red Hot Chili Peppers
With a 5.67 ERA and a 2-6 record, Brazoban isn't just "giving it away," he's serving it up on a silver platter about belt high and with incredible consistency. In fairness to Brazoban, he has only been a pitcher for four years and he's suddenly expected to replace one of the best closers in the game. But as they say, this is the big leagues, son. Pick it up! A 99mph fastball is great when you can compliment it with something else, hell, anything else. Unfortunately for Dodger fans, he can't. So listen up Brazoban: can that Merengue crap you've been jogging out to, and throw down some Chilis so the fans at least know what to expect. Comprende?
I'd rather see Flea on the mound
Jose Mesa, Pittsburgh Pirates - "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" Pat Benatar
At 39-years-old he should be throwing pregame batting practice. Instead he throws 9th inning batting practice to whoever the lucky team is that gets to face him. With a 2-6 record Mesa is far from the pitcher he used to be. Two years ago he finished up the season with a 6.52 ERA. Most guys would walk away from the game after that. Mesa did the next best thing... he took his act to Pittsburgh which is a place where rookies go to play until they are eligible for free-agency and veterans go to die. At least if he strolled out to Pat Benatar he can be acknowledged for what he is, a real tough cookie with the long history…of failure.
Tyler Walker, San Francisco - "Closing Time" Semisonic
It would be appropriate for this native San Franciscan to take the mound accompanied by the melodramatic wailings of Semisonic's only hit song "Closing Time" because the lyrics have nothing to do with closing a baseball game. Having blown three of his last four save chances Walker would be better suited closing down bars than taking the mound in the ninth. In fact, in light of his recent ineffectiveness, his teammates would probably pick up the tab.
Dan Kolb, Atlanta Braves - "Walk This Way" Aerosmith
And not the sweet version with RunDMC
Blew 5 out of 16 save opportunities, sports a 4.98 ERA, and a goatee. Also has an awful strikeouts to walks ratio that barely breaks 1:1 (28:24 specifically). Nothing hurts a club more than a closer who can't find the damn strike zone. Just ask any Philly fan about that. After two decent years in Milwaukee, Kolb was all but handed the closer's role in the Spring, and promptly gave it right back barely a month into the season due to his ineffectiveness. Through it all, Kolb has managed to hang on to one thing- his goatee.
Next Time: The AL closers, and some recommendations for batters. In the meantime, let’s talk more NL relievers and the tunes that compliment their game.
This instant hit by JoJo is very fitting for a man that has burned every bridge from Maine to Boston. Having insulted much of the working class in the Boston area, Folke won't be around much longer in Boston. Not only does this guy suck, but Boston fans could care less if this d-bag every comes back now that the almighty Schilling is closing.
paul
The Pitching Staff: Detroit Tigers
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Posted: 8/9/2005 10:09:28 AM
"Pee on you" - Dave Chapelle
Jack
funny shit
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Posted: 8/9/2005 10:13:15 AM
How about Chan Ho Park with "The greatest mistake of my life" after those blown World Series saves.
Tom A
I'll Play
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Posted: 8/9/2005 10:24:24 AM
"Don't You Forget about Me" - Brian Fuentes, Rockies
"Take It Easy" - Danny Graves, Reds/Mets
I know he's AL, but Eddie "I Can't Believe People Think I'm Good" Guardado should have the chorus of "Short People" followed by "Life's Been Good to Me" since this very mediocre pitcher has been handed millions of dollars because of one of the most worthless stats in all of sports - the so-called "save." Throw strikes, get every other guy out, "earn" a "save."
John Rocker (Atlanta et al) - Anything by Toby Keith
STEVE
STEVE MASTERSON
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Posted: 8/9/2005 11:28:44 AM
I usually walk out to Hulk Hogan's theme music with a raging hard-on pushed down against my leg in my yellow spandex. Standing ovation everytime, even though I blow at pitching.
punka
STEVE MASTERSON?
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Posted: 8/9/2005 11:50:41 AM
Hell of an entrance into your gay porn video STEVE-O. Hear you were a hell of a catcher though.
sigh
braden pooper
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Posted: 8/9/2005 12:39:21 PM
"you dropped a bomb on me"
MEH
Songs
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Posted: 8/9/2005 2:00:26 PM
Derrick Turnbow (MIL) - "Where is the Next One Coming From?" - B.B. King b/c Milwaulkee keeps pulling these random closers out of their arse.
Chad Cordero (WAS) - "Who Are You" - The Who For the most unexpected closing success story this year
Todd Jones (FLA) - "Repater" - Fugazi For somehow throwing down more saves than he's had since 2000
Arizona Bullpen - "Trapped in the Closet" - R. Kelly For the largest cast of characters trying (and failing) to close games out. (Also, AZ fans wish to urinate on them.)
joe
re: funny shit
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Posted: 8/9/2005 3:57:10 PM
jack you're wrong it was byung hyun kim with the blown WS saves with ari vs the yankees, not chan ho park, park has always been a starter
D. Snyder
Johnny Fucking Burgerking
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Posted: 8/9/2005 5:59:51 PM
You forgot to touch on Keith Foulke's magical season. He's so bad that I heard people in Boston are calling him Johnny Burger King. Anybody know what the fuck that means??
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