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Hey! Hey man, how’s it going? Wait, did I ask you that already? Wait- nevermind. Anyway, glad you could make it. Welcome to my meth lab.
Yep, this is it. This is where I cook all that speed I was telling you about. I cook and I cook and I cook and I, well you know, I cook. Not like a housewife or anything though, you know, meatloaf and shit- not like that. I cook with chemicals and shit. It’s crazy.
Did you remember to pick up that case of drain cleaner? You did? Great! If anyone asks I’ve got a hell of a clog in my bathtub, right? Get it? Ha! Dusty’s going to be here soon with that pallet of cough supressant he stole from his work and we’ll get going! Man, I’m so glad you came.
How have you been, man? What? No, I’m not sick- it’s just allergies. Yeah, I think I’m allergic to all that crank I’ve been snorting! Hey-O! That’s a joke, did you get it? So how have you been, my man?
Oh, you brought lunch? Thanks, man, but I’m good. I had a sandwich a couple of days ago and I’m still stuffed. But hey, seriously, thanks for offering.
And thanks again for picking the shit up man. You know, I would have bought it myself, but I took my car’s engine apart last night, you know, to see how it works- and can you believe it, I couldn’t figure out how to put it back together! Is that some fucked up shit or what?
Make sure the kids know that isn't milk
Okay, I’m going to start boiling this Drano so you may want to wear this mask. Me? Nah man, I never wear that shit. I’m a purist. Which reminds me, did you know that if you multiply 13 by itself three times it comes out to 2197? That’s the year the world is going to end. It’s true.
Aw man, you hear that? That crying? Shit, my girl’s kids woke up. Man, do me a favor, would you go close that door? Thanks. Fucking kids, you know? I’m trying to work here and I got those brats in my ear and shit.
Huh? Oh, they’d be at her house if we hadn’t had that accident there last week. Blew the whole place up, it was fucking crazy. Yeah, my girl’s in the burn ward for a couple more days so I got the kids for a minute. Like I said, it’s fucked.
What? Social Services? What the fuck is that? Fine, do it, I don’t care. Call ‘em and tell ‘em the kids are on the curb. You know what, man, that’s a great idea. Get these munchkins outta my shit for a while.
So you’re leaving? Damn man, you just got here! You don’t feel safe? Man, I got shotguns and rifles everywhere- we’re totally safe. Anyone comes and tries to take my stash and they’ll have a buckshot to reckon with, yeah they will!
Alright, suit yourself, man. Hey, thanks for checking in. Stop by anytime, I’ll be up.
I'm sorry, but any place north of the Mason-Dixon line could not possibly by the meth capital. The only possibly exception might be a few places in Iowa...
Scott
I love the LBK
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Posted: 7/28/2005 9:44:50 AM
I think I saw where his girlfriends trailer blew-up on the news. But hell, in Lubbock someonen's meth trailer blows up everyday so news of it has become old hat. Anyway, this batch is about ready. Oh Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesse L.
Titusville? Meth?
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Posted: 7/28/2005 10:14:27 AM
I don't know about meth, but I understand there was a big oil strike in Titusville back in the day.
Great read, Scott, as usual.
trapt in KC
Independence, MO
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Posted: 7/28/2005 10:37:35 AM
Do you understand the impact to resale value when your guest bathroom is caked with meth residue and your strung out neighbor has been sleeping under your mailbox for 2 weeks?
Molly
Yes, I like to say douche.
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Posted: 7/28/2005 11:46:26 AM
I also liked this article. Well done Hofman. A welcomed splash of creativity after yesterday's piece of shit.
Douche douche douche.
ericatruth
stupid
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Posted: 7/28/2005 2:55:16 PM
dumb - stupid - not funny.
No meantion of a dick or a fart
YoMama
Fuckwad Dogfucker
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Posted: 7/28/2005 3:39:30 PM
and, of course, Cum Dumpster.
Just getting some mileage after wasting time reading this piece of monkey shit.
I find your article highly unbelievable. Our government makes all the meth on the streets not your average home lab.......
:)
word.
God Damn Hippies.
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Posted: 7/28/2005 10:17:09 PM
You stupid God damn hippy. Are you out of your mind? The Government makes Meth? Who put that in your no original thought having mind, one of your Marxist hippy professors? I swear to god. You and your patchouli stank, jerry town friends are completely bat shit crazy.
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