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'Why do things like this always happen to me?'
Aw man, did that guy just get shot? Did somebody just shoot that guy? I think they did. That black Lincoln just drove by and I heard a loud bang and now that guy is lying on the floor motionless. Damn.
Wait a minute, did I just… oh shit. I did. I’m a witness. Man, what a drag. I’ll bet this is going to end up being such a hassle.
Now I’m gonna be stuck here until the police arrive. They’ll make me give a statement and I’m sure that’s gonna take forever, or at least, like, fifteen minutes. Then I’ll probably have to testify or something. God, this sucks so bad.
Who knows when they'll make me testify? What if it's next Friday evening? That wouldn't work out. I've got tickets to see Journey and REO Speedwagon. I know it's not the original line-ups, but it's still a blast to hear all those old songs live. And the guy who replaced Steve Perry sounds eerily like him. I'm not missing that.
Or what of if the trial is super early one morning? I do not function well before 11am. I'd probably do more harm than good on the witness stand if they have me in there at nine. I'd probably get everything all mixed up and end up blaming the wrong guy. I can't have that on my conscience.
Why didn’t those shooters stop and think about what a terrible inconvenience this is for me? They could have waited ten more seconds and I would have turned the corner. Sure, I would have heard the shots, but hearing is not seeing. How many blind people do you see on the witness stand? I probably would have just assumed it was a car backfiring.
Wait, that’s it. That’s my out. Maybe that car just backfired. How am I to know it was a shooting? That guy on the ground probably had a heart attack. No need for a witness in that instance and I sure as hell don’t know CPR, so I’m useless. I’m sure someone else will take care of it, so I’ll just be on my… damn. Looks like there’s a pool of blood forming around him and what appears to be several bullet holes in his chest. So much for that plan.
'Fuck, I think it was a real shooting.'
Wait, maybe they’re filming a movie! Yeah, a real Hollywood blockbuster and in order to make it look real they're not notifying bystanders. That’s gotta be it. Any second now somebody’s gonna yell “Cut!” and this horrible personal nightmare will be all over. Any second now… waiting, waiting… fuck. I think it was a real shooting.
Why do things like this always happen to me? This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, hands down. It even beats that time my mom died unexpectedly and the funeral coincided with a tee time I had. I mean, I had a ton of shit to do today. I guess this means I’ll just have to get my car washed tomorrow, assuming I’m not still being interrogated.
Oh man, it looks like the dead guy is black. I'm pretty sure the shooter was black too. Well that's just great. Now it's going to be a race-hassle too. I'll be racist for noticing that it was a black arm holding the gun that came out of that Lincoln. When I'm on the stand, I won't know whether to call the dead guy and the murderer "black" or "African American" or "colored". Wait, "colored" is bad isn't it? Or is that "black"? It's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, isn't it? They wouldn't call themselves that if they didn't like it, would they?
Damn it! Why didn't I stop for a chicken sandwich like I thought about doing? I would have missed all this bullshit.
Okay, wait. So let’s say I walk away and there are no witnesses to this murder. With no info on the shooter, the case will remain open, creating much needed work for our city's homicide detectives and other policemen. That’s good. Gotta support the boys in blue. They deserve our respect. Secondly, this case will probably end up on one of those True Crime TV reality shows. The ones where you call in with info about the murder. But, since I'm the only one who saw it, people will just be calling in with hunches and speculation, which could, in turn, inadvertently lead to the arrests of other criminals, some possibly even more dangerous than that urban gentleman in the Lincoln, thereby making the streets safer for all of us. So I guess, in a way, if I walk away from this scene right now, I'm sort of doing my part to make the world a better place. I'm a hero! A hero who's about to go and cash a spicy chicken sandwich.
Actually, in light of all this commotion I've worked up quite an appetite. I think I'll be needing more than just one. Maybe I'll even get the meal. This is going to help local the economy out, big time.
This town is so lucky to have me as a citizen.
Mike Polk assisted in the writing of this article.
I know I hate it when that shit happens. Damn inconsiderate urban youths.
owen
ahhhh
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Post #: 3
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Posted: 7/26/2006 9:35:51 AM
I guess not everything polk is involved with on this site is funny. Not even funny at all.
s
...
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Posted: 7/26/2006 10:09:00 AM
any second now... waiting... waiting...
me likey.
deuce
the guy who
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Posted: 7/26/2006 10:34:23 AM
sacked steve perry has just been sacked...
good stuff, fellas.
Eugene
This was awful
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Posted: 7/26/2006 11:17:28 AM
Not once did I crack a smile reading this shit. Pure garbage. What's the fuck happened to you Hoffman? You used to post funny shit like the "Highschool football" and the "bang bus" articles. You better get your head out of your ass.
goatlover
not bad
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Post #: 7
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Posted: 7/26/2006 11:43:22 AM
not good, you guys get a B-
dan
good stuff
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Posted: 7/26/2006 11:47:04 AM
just went on a little too long. funny otherwise. you'll notice the best articles on the site get to the punchline, then get out.
Queen Supreme
What happened?
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Posted: 7/26/2006 12:28:07 PM
It started off funny, but then it just died. It could have been a contender.
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