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Hardcore, personified
I am a goddamned commercial loan officer and you are shit. My personality is Type-A to the motherfucking third power. I am a winner and you had better not forget it.
Everything about me exudes power, from my goddamned ties to my motherfucking car. I am worth hundreds of thousands of dollars and counting.
I am engineered to win. Failure isn’t in my vocabulary. I don’t even know what it means. Seriously. My ever increasing net worth is proof of that.
I could sell ice to an Eskimo, then turn around and sell that motherfucker a freezer to keep it cold. That’s not arrogance, that’s just a fact.
I’ve never dated a bitch that I didn’t fuck. Can you say that? No? Then you could never be me. You’d get eaten alive, you pussy. My team and I would devour you like a motherfucking lion on an autistic kid playing with a raw steak. It wouldn’t be pretty.
I fuck everything hard, even myself. That’s right, I masturbate aggressively to show myself that I don’t fuck around. Wham, bam, thank you hand. Then it’s on to the next, you know what I’m saying? If not, fuck you. Go big or go home, cocksucker.
I’m fucking hardcore all the way. I’m a goddamned predator and the world is my prey. That’s why I’m a top fucking performer, number one in my region four years in a row. I do not fuck around.
When I need to take someone down, I do not hesitate. I will fuck a competitor like a Polynesian hooker if it gets me what I want. Heavy hitters hit hard. Understand that before you stand in my way, because I’m a motherfucking steamroller. A goddamned racehorse, bred to win.
My motherfucking team
I’m so good that when I sold my soul to the devil, I got him to kick in an extra three basis points on the deal. I fucked him over big time!
I hate my fucking mother. That goddamned bitch can suck my cock. If I wanted to I could help her retire early, but I don’t. It’s not my fault she decided to be a teacher for no goddamned money. Stupid whore.
I start almost every goddamned sentence with the word “I” because that’s where I belong- first. I settle for no fucking less.
I once had a dog that I loved very much, but then it fucking died one day. Fuck that dog!
I have a mansion that I drive to every night and sleep at. I have a staff of immigrants that keep it clean and maintain the yard. They are my closest friends.
My eyes water each night from working so hard. That’s how intense I am!
I drive my car along the Palisade cliffs late at night, hoping that I do not go over the edge. I do not want to die because I have no beneficiaries. My money would go to the state if I died. My money needs me too much. I could never allow the state to take custody of it.
I ignore the grand scheme of things because I fucking hate that type of shit. Put me in the goddamned ring with a client and I won’t just close, I’ll slam the motherfucker shut like you’ve never seen. That’s what matters in this life- that is all that matters… right?
I am alone. I am so motherfucking goddamned alone.
awesome.. definitely liked how you personified money as children. the image of the guy's eyes watering each night from working so hard is too much.. now mine are. well done.
Nick
Wow
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Posted: 3/27/2006 7:44:48 AM
That was fucking brilliant man...I read pretty much everything on here but this is the first time I have felt the need to comment on a piece...awesome stuff and excellent use of Fuck, Fucked, Fucking, Motherfucking, and Motherfucker.
seminole
wow
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Posted: 3/27/2006 9:05:54 AM
so now my former boss is writing articles here? huh.
Victor French
Fuckshit!
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Posted: 3/27/2006 9:21:46 AM
This fuckin' guy's got worse motherfuckin' potty-mouth than me, goddammit! My fuckin' A's cap stinks like fuckin' shit, bitch!
Fuck A Duck
Go Hard
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Posted: 3/27/2006 9:39:05 AM
" I masturbate aggressively to show myself that I don’t fuck around."
Hilarious article... Fuck that dog!!!
Anthony
Deja vu all over again
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Posted: 3/27/2006 9:54:31 AM
Why don't the Phat Phree writers just title their articles "Look at my Striped Shirt Part 127"?
Pat
ENJOYED IT
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Posted: 3/27/2006 10:13:27 AM
The masturbation part was hilarious.
And yes, this is clearly the other side of the Striped Shirt guy. Call it "Striped Shirt Guy At Work".
Simpsons did it
Simpsons did it
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Posted: 3/27/2006 10:36:30 AM
Why wont the commentors get off the Striped Shirts dick??? How come every article has to be compared to the striped shirt? "This is like the striped shirt part 2" or "this may be funnier than the striped shirt". What the fuck, let it go! Cant an article just be funny or not funny?
Simpson's did it, Simpson's did it.
Atlas
You know who keeps rehashing the Striped Shirt
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Posted: 3/27/2006 10:41:03 AM
You DBs that can't read an article writtien in the first person without mentioning it. I mean EVERY time, I had no clue Pold owns the patent on those articles.
Good Job Scott.
billy
sorry
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Posted: 3/27/2006 10:48:53 AM
it is a really funny article, but it starts and ends in the exact same tone as striped shirt. It's hard not to make the connection.
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