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This glove is real subtle at work.
Dear Sir (because no woman would be so cruel),
I am writing you in regards to the clever directions you elected to devise for the application of your product, Preparation-H. For the record, your instructions (with my added commentary) read as follows:
Adults: when practical, cleanse the affected area by patting or blotting with an appropriate cleansing wipe.
When practical? Thanks. It’ll be hard for me to remember to not drop trow and clean my hindquarters while in line at the DMV, but I’ll do my best. Secondly, did you ever think to specify as to what an appropriate cleansing wipe was? I guessed that toilet paper or a washcloth wasn’t appropriate otherwise you would have just said that, but did you ever consider telling me that a luffa was a downright inappropriate cleansing wipe for my hemorrhoid? It’s like rubbing a brillow pad on your nipple. Incidentally, a Clorox disinfecting wipe is excessively unsuitable in its own right. That guy might rub 3 years of mold off your shower head but it should not be used á la toilet paper, even if you DO just blot. My ass, now lathered in Bacitracin, says so.
Gently Dry by patting or blotting with a tissue or a soft cloth before applying cream;
This rhetoric would work wonders in the first sentence of your edict so we’re not dealing with second degree burns here, buddy.
when first opening tube, puncture foil seal with top end of cap; apply externally or in the lower portion of the anal canal only;
Would I be applying the cream to the hemorrhoid on my face? By definition, hemorrhoids can only be on/in one’s ass so I don’t need your wisecracks about where I have to now put this cream. I knew where this cream was going when I was mortified buying it.
apply externally to the affected area up to 4 times daily, especially at night, in the morning or after each bowel movement;
Do you think that I get paid to apply Preparation-H on my ass?! I have a life to live! A life that doesn’t include people knowing that I’m applying Preparation-H cream in my butt hole with the frequency of an albino sloshing on sunscreen in Hawaii. Why don’t you just call it Preparation-I.V?
You can’t say, up to 4 times daily and then throw in especially at night, in the morning or after each bowel movement; this is nerve racking! I have to put it in my Outlook Reminders so I don’t forget! People at my desk are always asking me what “Mop Exit Door” means when it pops up.
After each bowel movement? What good does that do?! After I’m finished shredding my ass with the recycled toilet paper my work so graciously provides, I’m left with a wad of bloody paper from the wiping, and legs filled with goosebumps from the burning sensation. But you want to kick me while I’m down, huh? It’s upsetting enough for a teary-eyed grown man to look at blood on his toilet paper like he is having his period and now you want him to blot some cream on his ass gash? That’s like applying Vaseline on a shrapnel wound and hoping it heals it. You’re sick, man. Real sick!
Yeah, this is what the burn feels like.
for application in the lower anal canal: remove cover from dispensing cap. Attach dispensing cap to tube. Lubricate dispensing cap well, then gently insert dispensing cap partway into the anus.
You gotta be fucking kidding me. All those minds over there at your company and the finest directive you retards came up with was having me shove a piece of plastic in my ass??? What’s wrong with you? Maybe you forgot how bad this would hurt in view of the fact that I HAVE A HEMMORHHOID IN THERE!!!! I am guessing that the only way these orders were written as such was after an exchange like this –
- Hey Bill, we need you to write some instructions so these poor bastards can put some preparation H cream on and not kill themselves. - Can I tell them to just put it on their fingers and rub it around their anus? - Come on man! We can’t have kids running around with shit all over their hands playing patty cake. That’s a health violation. You always have to have at least one degree of separation between poop and the extremities. You know that. - Well how the hell else are they supposed to apply it? - (walking away) I don’t know. Tell them to stick the cap up their ass for all I care. Just hurry up! You got 5 minutes. We’re all going downtown to get wasted.
Reaaaaaaal fuckin funny. Let me ask you this. Have you ever, I mean EVER in your life, gently inserted anything partway into your anus? … No? Well me neither. But if I was the person that had the sole responsibility in directing people to voluntarily do it, I would include something to the decree: “WARM the cap up first.” Otherwise, the cold cap touching your anal cavity will force your involuntary sphincter muscle to close up like a bear trap and suck said dispensing cap into the anus allowing zero chance for retrieval.
So now I have the cap to the Preparation-H cream lodged in my ass, exploring my lower intestines like it was Vasco de Gama, thanks to you. Touché, my friend. Touché. So what do I do now? And if you tell me that I have to ask someone for their shoe horn…pal, so help me God!
Thoroughly cleanse dispensing cap after each use and replace cover.
Oh, I think you missed a step. You forgot the part where I have to shit this thing out now.
For the record, I am not happy about this.
Well after the cap is done ricocheting around on the bathroom floor following the eject maneuver, I take it I’m supposed to pick it up with a wad of toilet paper like it was a giant spider? No really, I’ll be able to look my coworkers in the eye again someday, don’t worry about it.
With the greatest of ease, and the subtleness of snowflakes, you employ the words, thoroughly cleanse as if you were writing directions for Palmolive dish soap. Don’t patronize me, jackass. At least have some balls and write what you should be writing: “Dude, you’re holding a plastic cap covered with your own feces now. Clean that thing off as best as possible and screw cap back on tube because you’re going to have to repeat this whole procedure after your next bowel movement. Sorry.”
The apparent genius who wrote the directions.
You dick.
Children under 12 years of age: ask doctor
What, to jam the cap in their ass for them? Those poor bastards. Someone just needs to invent the Preparation Bidet.
Posts: 5 Rank: 1992 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Dorchester, MA
Posted: 12/7/2006 9:32:00 AM
I had a similar experience with the Prep-H once, and the whole thing was so fucking awful, I changed my entire diet so that I would never be subject to it again. I have never been so humilitated by something that nobody else saw.
Posts: 2 Rank: 2094 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Highland Mills, NY
Posted: 12/7/2006 12:56:47 PM
You guys open up the new website with an article about this douche and his finger fucking asshole problems? I was hoping for a strong showing out of the gate and I get this peice of shit wasting my time at work when I could be sleeping while pretending to take a shit.
I really enjoyed that article! Probably b/c ive never had anything in my ass that hurt that bad (besides that hampster) Ill never forgive Gere.
My luck outlook would pop up the reminder and that fucking paperclip would join in yelling, I see you are trying to cool down your poop shoot, do you need help?
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