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This looks more cab than cop car, no?
Ahh Mexico. The land of the free (to cross the Rio Grande) and the home of the brave (enough to actually cross it). It's America's land down under--a place where one American dollar will get you a beer at a bar, ten'll get ya a hooker, and for fifty you can buy a cop. Their cuisine boasts such delicacies as the burrito (leftovers in a soft tortilla), the taco (leftovers in a hard tortilla), the chimichanga (leftovers in a soft tortilla and fried), and the enchilada (leftovers in a soft tortilla and smothered with with sauce). Yes, there are many things that make us laugh about our amigos to the South, but here are my top five.
1) Their cab drivers - Yes, that quarter drunk, half high, fully crazed Mexican man behind the wheel should be in a straight jacket at a circus, but here in Mexico he is your cab driver. He was trained in the spoken English by the movie Scarface and the lone English phrase he has embraced is: cocksucker motherfucker. He will use it loudly and he will use it often. Amazingly, this improbable insult won't be directed at you. The verbal assault is normally aimed at the cab driver in front of us, the one next to us, his wife, his brother, or generally anyone other than the cab patrons in the vehicle.
For instance, the driver will point at someone on the side of the road and say, "Cocksucker Motherfucker!" while beeping the horn at him. Unfortuantely, this someone is a poor unassuming beggar who is wielding one leg. He will then ask for your acceptance and appreciation by turning around to you nodding and smiling midst barreling down a half-assed lit highway. The only way to get him to look back at the road and grab the wheel is to laugh hysterically and repeat the said insult out loud to your friends. "Cocksucker motherfucker. Haha. Cocksucker motherfucker."
Side Note: Why is it that "Cocksucker Motherfucker" is the default English swear for every non-native speaker? Greek food vendors, Indian taxi drivers, Russian drycleaner, Korean shop keeper--I've heard them all use it, but it's a curse you almost never hear from a native English speaker. It's not even something you would pick up watching American movies (unless it was being shouted by a stereotype foreigner). It's origin is a mystery.
Fuck it. We're at the bar now. Let's get drunk.
2) Their policia - Ever walk out of a bar in Mexico: 1) as an American and 2) absolutely plastered?? Well de facto, you're probably going to jail. How do I know this? After fertilizing myself with Grey Goose Vodka all night at a club, a friend and I walk out at 3 AM and 10 minutes later, we were in jail. No joke. I won't bore you with all the details of the incarceration, but I'll give you the "Easy Mac" microwave version that gets us TO prison: We leave club. A random guy punches me in the face and steals the shirt in my hand (it was hot). I'm bleeding. I chase him. I tackle him, get my shirt back and 5 Volkswagen Beetle's seemingly drop from the sky around us. I think they're cab drivers, they know they're cops. In the fracas, my buddy and I hop in a "cab" and ask to go to the hotel. Unfortunately, they take us to the police station to "pay damage" as they put it. Our charge? Supposedly breaking the antenna off of a cab, which never happened. Our bail? $500. Seems fair. I'm sure this will get straightened out by the Mexican judicial system.
3) Their judicial system - You know you're floating up shit creek when you are ushered into a makeshift Mexican police station and met by the cold gaze of a fat Mexican woman seated on what can only be described as a throne, and her nameplate is labeled "Judge", in English. Something tells me that I'm not the first American to step foot in this particular station. The police man tells her in Spanish whatever it is he wants to tell her as I sway there waiting my turn to humbly defend myself. Apparently improper conjugation is an admission of guilt, because before I cam put noun before adjective, the gavel cracks. "Guilty!"
Jeez. That was fast.
What my hazy vision saw when the hammer dropped.
I'll skip past calling my friend's dad to help us out (we did not have the money), getting socked in the stomach a few times by an officer (I might have deserved a few of those), high-fiving my partner-in-crime over the fact that we were actually in a Mexican jail (one of the reasons I got punched), and screaming out, "Foxtrot! I want to be Foxtrot!" when the police officer asked me, "Name or Alias" (maybe I deserved every punch I received)" I now bring you to the fourth thing that cracks me up about Mexico.
4) Their prison system - Unquestionably, the officer in charge was not pleased with the response time of my friend's dad and decided it was time to throw the two of us behind bars. So he grabs us and forcibly drags us down a dark hallway. I don't mean a dark hallway like the one's in your house. I mean a dark hallway like in the movie Hostel. It's the kind of hallway where you wouldn't be surprised to find blood on the wall or a body on the floo- wait a minute... there is a body on the floor! That's right! There is a heavy set scruffy Mexican man passed out on his back, sans shirt. Like a scene from old cartoon, El senor is shackled to a giant boulder. The chain joining the two seems to be a cross between the links holding up a ship's anchor and those you would use when locking someone up to the stocks in 18th Century France. Where one obtains such a shackle is beyond me. And this boulder?! This crag has no geometric shape whatsoever and is so immense that it could not have ever fit through a doorway. Prior to being crafted into a restraint, I'm sure it was hurtling through space. That's how out of place this rock is. It's the most incredible thing I've ever seen. Our captors don't even break stride. Something tells me that this guy did not get a writ of habeas corpus. My guess is that he was found "guilty" of something and didn't have any money on him either. Sweet.
When we reach the lone cell at the end of the creepy hallway, we see a Mexican man sitting in the corner of the cell. Joining him in the chamber is another Mexican man passed out on his back on the floor. He is not chained to a rock.
The only thing the officer says to us is, "Be careful, these guys are in here for stabbing."
Great, we allegedly break an antenna off a car and we now have to share a prison cell with two murderers. Where's my lawyer? Oh that's right, I already had my trial.
Another American that couldn't post bail.
After agreeing to partake in a plot to kill the gaurds with my cellmate (hey, we had to make friends in jail. You've seen Oz!), and making a meager attempt at escaping through the poorly paneled ceiling, my friend's dad finally arrives. After a lot of arguing, he negotiates a reduced fee for the phantom antenna snap, $65 each, and he pays. As we are walking out of prison, our initial cab driver is standing there smiling with an antenna in his hand. Cocksucker Motherfucker.
We leave jail at 5AM, drunk as all hell, shirtless, bloody, and our flight leaves at 7AM. I need a glass of water.
5) Their water - The entire point of drinking water is completely defeated when drinking it causes you to eject liquid from every orifice on your body simultaniously. I just want to apologize to everyone who was on AeroMexico Flight 328.
screamed out for a gratuitous rack shot. Maybe one of the hookers (not one of the real ones, just a picture of what you imagine they look like after 15 Mexican boilermakers), or of "Judge" Shakira, or something.
I'm surprised the cops took the time to fuck with you that much. 5 friends and I were in Cancun on spring breakback in 98. We were as drunk as 10 Mexicans on pay day, and needed to piss. We were at a sidewalk cafe and they had no facilities so we were told to go behind this building. It was night, dark as a whores bullet wound and we didn't know any better so all 6 of us started to piss behind this building. Right as each of us makes a wet spot on the concrete, 4 Mexican Police sporting M14 rifles show up behind us like fucking Ninja style. They demanded money or they would throw us in jail. Luckily one of our friends was Mexican and knew Spanish very well and talked us out of major trouble. They charged us eash $20 and then let us piss all over the place and even laughed when we were walking back to the bar. Crazy Mexicans. I think if we had chipped in some extra money, we could have shot their guns and partied with them all night.
If they saw the rocks and constructed the prison around the rocks knowing a use for them would later arise. Now that is ingenuity! Americans do not have such forsite.
I would say that cocksucker motherfucker came from Eddie Murphy stand up? That is what I would watch if trying to learn the language!
Posts: 207 Rank: 57 Joined:
1/15/2007
Location:
My mom doesnt live in texas, WA
Posted: 2/14/2007 12:05:01 PM
Steven Baldwin said it in "the usual suspects." While that may be the only time I have heard an english native person say it, the fact that it was Steven Baldwin--the father of all douchebags--who said it pretty much negates its significance.
Good article, I like how each category flows into the next. My 5th grade english teacher called that a "transition." 5 stairs.
Didn't they all have to say "You cocksucker motherfucker" in the line up? Benicio Del Toro said it best in my opinion but he is Mexican I think so don't know if that counts.
One thing you forgot to add was the Donkey show and other novelties not offered here in the US. You haven't lived until you have witnessed the beautiful love making session of a mule and Mexican Seniorita.
Posts: 207 Rank: 57 Joined:
1/15/2007
Location:
My mom doesnt live in texas, WA
Posted: 2/14/2007 12:58:26 PM
I am pretty sure that the line they were supposed to say was "Hand me the fucking keys, cocksucker." Your right, Fenster (Del Toro) said it best. McManus (Baldwin le douche) improvised and said "...cocksucker motherfucker."
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