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Enough with the tip jar everywhere!
God damnit! I can’t believe that stupid skank vomited on my hand. Now I have to go the bathroom and wash my— Shit! It just had to be one of these bathrooms, huh? Bathroom attendant on deck armed with a full arsenal of lotions, gels, candy, mouthwash and more Drakkar Noir than the 1992 Prom.
Fuck! To make things worse, there’s a line out the door…Yes, a whole line of guys that will see me not tip the attendant after I wash my hands.
Jesus, he’s got shaving cream in here too?!?! Who shaves in the bathroom of a bar, anyway? The only two types of people you will find in a public bathroom unshaven, unclean and unkempt are Siberian dudes arriving at JFK after a 12 hour delay from Vladivostok, and bums. I’m sure no one’s trying to squeeze a tip out of dilapidated Siberian men and given that bums ain’t about to start giving out tips, why on earth are there bathroom attendants in bars?!
This guy’s about as popular as gout.
Ok, here’s my chance, I have to move!
Well, I could have turned the faucet on myself, but whatever. Fuck! And he put the soap in my hands before I knew what was happening!! Son of a bitch, he’s moving too fast! Great, now he’s dangling that towel in front of me with a smirk on his face. Is withholding tips for goods not wished for against the rules?
This is ridiculous. Am I incompetent of turning a faucet on, squeezing soap into my own hands, rinsing, and grabbing a paper towel on my own? Who’s the lazy ass douche bag that one day said, “My life is hard enough as it is!!! Can’t we get someone to fucking put some god damn soap in my hands?!?!” I’m sure Louis XIV said it once or twice but shit, he’s also the guy who would dress slaves up as birds and shoot them from a balcony of Versailles as they ran around the property. An idea that in itself is equally as absurd as that of a bathroom attendant.
And now I have to pee.
I know what to do.
“Hey thanks for the towel. I still have to go to the bathroom, though. I’ll get you in a second.”
(Zip. Flush.)
Screw this. Tipping him isn’t required by law. I’ll walk out of here with poo on my thumb from an overzealous wipe before I wash my hands again tonight. I have principles, damn it! I may not have sanitary standards but I do have principles.
You can't make me tip you.
Who am I kidding? The only reason I ever wash my hands in the first place is if people are IN the bathroom—I don’t need people thinking I’m some feudal serf who roots and sleeps in piss and shit. It takes far too long to explain to them with my eyes, as I pass by, that everything I touch is clean.
Oh Christ, not now! Fucking eyelash in my eye!
Shit, I can’t see anything! Ok, I just have to go up there and use the far side of the mirror away from the crypt keeper.
Ok. Ok. Find the eyelash. Come on…come on!! Damn it. Now he’s circling like a vulture. I can feel him peering into my soul, silently judging me.
“No. No thanks. I don’t need any moisturizer. I just have to get-”
Shit, why do I feel like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas right before he got whacked? He knows. HE KNOWS I’m not going to tip him. Shit, here he comes with some mouthwash and dental floss. If only I could see him! Jesus, he’s shoving more things in my face than Tera Patrick gets at a gang bang.
Look man!! I just want to get this eyelash out of my eye; I don’t think I have to tip you just because you are offering me things I don’t want. If you really want tips, get a ball trimmer in here, some roofies, a few bags of weed, and a tube of Preparation-H because God knows I don’t have the stones to buy it in stores but I fucking need it!
Ah, got the eyelash.
20/20 returns with what feels like the eyes of jackals piercing through me with disgust while the attendant is holding a wet cloth to help me with my orbital issue.
“Oh. Thanks for the towel.”
I dab my face and ponder how to save my soul.
About as awkward as I felt.
This is awkward.
“All I have are $20’s on me. I’ll get you back when I get some change.”
Yesterday was hurting, way to bring up the slackers.
Atlas
Bathroom Attendants
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Posted: 10/24/2006 10:10:38 AM
Are scarecrows. They are employed so people won't do coke in bathrooms, they don't work though.
Tom A
Atlas
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Posted: 10/24/2006 10:59:51 AM
But then you DO have to tip the attendant...
dc
You can tip the attendant
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Posted: 10/24/2006 11:09:01 AM
with the money you steal from the bartender. Someone told me that's how it works.
Eugene
Oh man this was horrible
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Posted: 10/24/2006 11:09:30 AM
Poorly written and just not funny. Thanks for butchering a perfectly good topic. This was particularly dissapointing because it was a step down from some of your earlier work. I expect my writers to continuoulsy elevate and you absolutely did not meet my expectations. The good news for you is that at this point my expections for you are quite low, and it should not be difficult to exceed them.
Grade: C-
Fred from Atlanta
Don't Mind U-Gene
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Posted: 10/24/2006 11:15:29 AM
He's just sad that there's only two more weeks of facism left.
Archivist
FYI
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Posted: 10/24/2006 11:29:27 AM
There's an article on "Features" page that was posted yesterday. Decent, too. Looks like it went under the radar, judging by lack of comments.
Eugene
Fred
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Posted: 10/24/2006 11:42:01 AM
You'd think after 6 years of fascism the poor bastard would learn how to spell fascism. He must have spend the last 6 years in the "special" gulag. I heard about those. I think they lure you into the shower room by telling you it's a gas chamber.
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