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Ladies and gentlemen, first let me thank you for voting me into the highest office in the land, though I am clearly not qualified to be here. Let's face it, no one realized that writing in "Seymour Butts" would result in the actual election of me, Seymour Randell Butts, of Bloomington, Indiana. My father's penchant for crude humor in the naming of his children had unforeseen consquences for the nation that he loved so much. So in deference to my brother Big, and sisters Whole Lotta, Huge, and Pasty White, I accept my fate.
My first hundred days as your president will be difficult and trying, because unlike Senators Obama and McCain, I have no experience in Washington. Having once traveled to the Capital as a tourist and gotten lost in the rotunda, I look forward to better acquainting myself to the chambers of Congress. Also, I will look into that pesky toilet on the ground floor, the one that overflowed back in '05 when I tried to flush the breakfast burrito that struck its revenge upon my body in the middle of my tour.
My first hundred days will allow for much on-the-job training. For example, I was not aware until recently that Alaska was attached to Canada. For many years, I simply assumed that it and Hawaii drifted somewhere off the coast of California, according to the maps that I was familiar with. Also, we seem to be having some trouble with A Flock of Seagulls' Eighties classic "I Ran." I'm not sure that I understand how it is that a one-hit wonder could be in possession of nuclear weapons, but I will look into that.
I want to reassure you, my fellow Americans, that my bachelor status will not affect my job performance. Sally Mize of Fleet Bowling, you had your chance when I asked you out on December 18, 1988, as well as May 31, 1993, and October 28, 1996. And let's not forget the cruel tragedy that we all pause to remember every year, the massacre of my heart on June 18, 2001, when I had to watch from behind the windows of a police car as you married my former best friend, Greg "Small" Johnson. I tell you now, Sally, there's a reason for that nickname, and it's not because he stands five feet tall. You need to stop calling me, even though so far you have not.
I plan to bring "business casual" to the White House, in the form of wife-beaters, ripped denim jeans, and trucker hats with clever sayings such as "pull my finger" and "ask me about my high school football days." Because these are the things that I wear to work every day at the Waffle House just off the highway to the airport, every night from 11PM until six in the morning. Mr. Tanner, consider this my two weeks' notice, by the by. I'm afraid I won't be able to work the two jobs.
America, you may have made this choice out of spite for the two political parties, but I assure you that it was not a dumb one. A boneheaded choice, perhaps, but not one which you will regret. I have done my best to pick a cabinet that will help guide me over the next three...excuse me, four years in office. Richard Petty, Peyton Manning, and Count Chocula have already answered the call; I await replies from Captain America, Dale Junior, and Allen Greenspan. Also, if anyone has Charlie Daniels' number I'd be much obliged.
In conclusion, I feel that I can best lead you, the American people, for at least four years, maybe five. Hell, I don't think it will be that hard. As soon as we can begin reclaiming Alaska from the grips of Canada and reunite her with the continent, things will be alright. And I think I can safely say to those who oppose us, all those one-hit wonder bands with nukes in their arsenal as well as catchy riffs and keytar solos: "Bring it on."
Thank you, and good night America. You too, United States
much for me either. 2008, who gets more write ins, Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin? I foresee a changing of the guard.
Topic does remind me that I wanted to let you all know, Makers Mark has election year bottles out with red, white, and blue wax and label. Drinking is patriotic!
Posts: 4645 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:09:00 PM
This article had words in it that formed sentences and those sentences formed paragraphs. Several of these paragraphs put together a story.
That is my review of this article.
Vert - Forgot to tell you, a couple of my last-minute invites asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told them "A big bottle of 10 Cane rum." Now I have it. Suggestions on what to mix with it?
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