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Here's what I think about your hybrid, Pierre!
Yeah that’s right! I drive a pickup truck. Not just any pickup truck, the F-8000 Extended Superduty Hemi. I have so much unbridled horse power under the hood that I could haul the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria up Pikes Peak in one trip. I’ve never actually hauled anything larger than my rampant ego as of now, but the fact is that I could, you f’n douchebag.
What’s that you’re saying? I can’t hear you with all this emo music blaring from my 8-speaker Bose set up. My daddy didn’t love me so I had to get a truck to reimburse me for my lack of self-confidence.
Check it out, my truck has 4 doors! Even though I’ve technically never opened these two back doors, if I ever wanted to take the guys from my dart league or the ones from trivia night out skeet-shooting or something, I could fit at least 12 of them back here. As a matter of fact, I just put a request into the US Marines to use this badboy as a troop transport in Iraq--still waiting to hear back.
On the days I don’t drive my truck, I’ll lend it to my hopeless, lithium addicted wife so that when she goes sailing through a red light at an intersection, at least I know she’s safe. If she should T-bone you, you will surely be the first person to ever get a front axle to the side of the head-- at least you won’t ding up that battering ram thingy on the front of my truck.
Is that you next to me at a stop light? I’ll glance straight down at you and a million bucks says that you’ll notice me out of the corner of your eye. You’ll presume I’m thinking that I’m better than you and as a matter of fact, you’ll be right. Christ, I have a Calvin sticker on my truck with him peeing on France! Of course I’m better than you.
So you get 800 miles to the gallon, huh? Feel good about yourself? You’re fucking special! Problem is, I’ll gas you at the light each and every time and that’s all that matters. Those 20 cylinders will start thrusting like an 18 year old American kid in the Red Light district with a pocket full of Euros. And you know what? I’ll do it for consecutive lights every half mile on a ten mile road even though I’m wasting more gas than a flaming Iraqi oil field. Who cares if I get five gallons to the mile? Don’t nobody take me off the line!
I know we don’t live in the Amazon Basin, wiseass. I just like big tires so that when I run over your speed bump of a Prius, all the electricity from your gay motor will be absorbed by the rubber and will not electrocute me.
How is this battering ram legal?
Smog test? Ha! I’m exempt because this rig is diesel powered! Even if I’m spewing smoke like Spyhunter, there’s nothing you can do about it, Nancy.
I’ll get on the highway and dart myself directly to the left lane no matter what because this is my truck and this is my country! I can sit in any lane I want. What are you and your little fucking Scion going to do about it? Yeah, pass me on the right and give me the bird jerkoff, I dare you.
My lights are always on the high beam option. In fact, I’ve welded them in that position just in case my wife tried to get all rash with my settings. When I’m approaching you from behind and you think it astute to not get out of the way, the lights will be so bright that you’ll think you’re being abducted by aliens. But seldom will I ever approach from the rear, for I am by and large, right on your bumper at all times (See: unbridled horse power).
Only stalkers use the “two second” following distance. Not me! I’ll be so far up your ass that I won’t be able to read your license plate. But guess what? You’ll be able to read mine because it will be pressed firmly against your back windshield. And if you can’t comprehend what “!KRT YM” in your rearview mirror is, I’ll tell you. It says, “MY TRK!” which means “My fucking truck!” And the only reason I have that is because OJ already had the license plate “Fuh Q!”
Turn signals are for liberals. I will get in this exit lane at the last conceivable second to cut you off because you know what? I like watching you eject inordinate amounts of brake dust all over the road as you try not to clip any other vehicles.
When I get home, I will take at least 15 minutes trying to back into a spot clearly posted for “compacts” leaving the two cars on either side of me no conceivable way to get their doors open to allow a human being to squeeze in. But you have to remember that I don’t give a shit. I have already written down their license plate numbers in case they ding my running board with the top of their door. I will then take them to court and sue them, because I can.
Great stuff. I loved it. "Turn signals are for liberals" .... HHAAAHAHA!
Momo
Hilarious
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Posted: 11/16/2006 9:25:18 AM
this is by far the funniest stuf I have read in months on thePhatphree. I love this. really. keep them coming!
Kotter
Living in the redneck burbs of Atlanta...
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Posted: 11/16/2006 9:28:27 AM
...I see this guy about every 30 seconds.
Without fail, the driver of said abomination will be UNDER 5-foot-10, but will have the requisite 30-lbs of beer gut, but claim he's "a big guy" since he works out twice a week and plays softball. Trust me, ALL of these assholes play softball.
Well done.
Balls
Smoke Screen
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Posted: 11/16/2006 9:45:31 AM
Excllent SpyHunter reference.
And, do we think this guy has the Yosemite Sam mudflaps, or those ones with two chicks sitting back to back? Playboy logos even?
vertigo
Excellent
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Posted: 11/16/2006 9:59:37 AM
Here in Big D I see this guy all the time, and he's never hauling anything. Please allow me to throw some other things in the mix about this guy:
George W sticker/some "American Pride" sticker Gun rack Has a dip in at the stoplight Likes southeast conference college football Dream shotgun rider? Tony Stewart Wife has a seal coat Is pissed that 4th child was a daughter Has Toby Keith tickets friday
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