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I thought it was candy too
I tried, I tried, and then I tried some more, but I couldn’t seem to figure out how some rappers out there are earning a W-2 income from a record company.
Nowadays for the ghetto poets, it seems like all one has to do is use whatever innuendo, homemade expression, implied tone or simple gesture to let the females know that your penis has the 3 pillars of the fabled “Far Right Side Of The Bell Curve Distribution Of Superiority”.
If these Neanderthals can do it, so can you. Focus on what I have to share ‘Lil Sonnetist of the Streets, and you too can make millions with uttering complete nonsense..
Religion has its gods and commandments. Hip Hop has its penises and pillars. Billions of people think theirs is “the one”, and they have reasons telling you why. But you and I know that in both cases, it’s all bullshit.
So to succeed in the rap game, all you have to do is have a penis. And no matter what your unit looks like, you must portray to the public the pillars of the penis.
Your penis:
1) Is bigger than the others 2) Will stay harder than the competition 3) Has a sole purpose of being inserted into a vagina (or multiple vaginas) as many times as possible.
Simple as that. But, I won’t just leave you to fend for yourself just yet. No, I will present to you a case in point so you can see how the magic.
For my example I offer you the lyrical and musical catastrophe from “D4L” – Laffy Taffy. Let’s see how they set up their supports, shall we? Early on they let us know:
Girls call me Jolly Rancher Cause I stay so hard
Okay…Okay. Nabbing #2 right off the bat. Letting us know that your penis is hard is a solid, safe choice, but remember, it’s about making sure that it’s harder than EVERYONE else’s. Jolly Ranchers are awfully hard, almost too hard and they stay that way for a long ass time! I already feel inferior.
In the middle of the song they delicately erect pillar #1:
Come on trick come on trick Here go Mr. Chocolate
Did you see it? No? It’s a little subtle but anytime someone refers to something on their body as “Mister”, you might want to go ahead and play the odds on that pass line bet that this thing is larger than most. Like, if someone refers to his right hand as “Mr. Fist”, I probably don’t want to spar with that person. Here go Mr. Chocolate??? That thing’s got to be pushing ¾ of a foot.
Chance are, you'll be hanging out with her
They wrap up the song with a talented double pillar rhyme:
Girl you don’t know I’m a toss the laffy taffy Toss it flip it and slap it. Bust a couple of nuts And get right back at it.
This solidifies pillar # 2 with some concrete at the base (in order to bust a couple of nuts and get right back at it, you can probably pencil yourself in as having a penis harder than the competition) and also nicely builds up #3. How many of us can bust a couple of nuts and just get right back at it? How many of us really want to? Shit gets tiring. I’m assuming “a couple” is at least two and he didn’t even hesitate about going for thirds and beyond. I might need a burrito or a Gatorade to keep me going. These guys are good and clearly focused. Tantric veterans, maybe?
There are of course buttresses to the 3 pillars which increase reputability. These supporting struts are dealing with the female race at the core, naturally. Buttresses can come in many forms but usually stay close to these tenants:
a) Women we deal with, strip for a living b) These women enjoy having an inordinate amount of semen carnivorously spewed in, on, or around them c) These girls should be able to follow directions without so much as releasing a sigh of malcontent.
I hope I am not fusing atomic material by telling you this, am I? This should be common knowledge to any prospective rhymesters. Anyhow, let’s see how yours and mine, D4L, support their well-constructed pillars.
The way you touch them toes Working them micros On the Stilettos You made it skeet skeet skeet Like a water hose.
Wow. It’s like Shel Silverstein for the streets. Buttresses “a” and “b” went up awfully quick! I have to be frank, I don’t even know what micros are but I don’t have to, that’s their business. But I am seasoned enough to know that if we’re talking about the way they “touch them toes working them micros on the stilettos” we are most definitely NOT talking about the manner in which she stretches her hamstrings, attacking those micro fibers in the body of the muscle, all the while wearing high heels.
No. This girl strips and because of that, there is going to be semen fired towards her, forcefully. Makes sense.
Now to tie up that obedience part,
Close your mouth and don't say shit Bend on over and hit a split Work that pole and work it well
Jeez. That skeet's got some trajectory
See? Buttress “a” is pretty much standard ops. Now to lock up “c”, we see that they don’t want her responding to the direction coming her way. They just want her working that pole and working it well. Couldn’t have said it any better myself.
So you see, with the penis pillars and the support buttresses, you too can build yourself a solid foundation and get a record deal.
Bored at work? Try getting all 3 pillars and all 3 buttresses in as few words/lines as possible…all the while with some sort of respectable rhyming scheme. Let the games begin.
You fucking suck! you need to be fired from this job asap. fuck that was the worst tripe ive ever read.
ms
finally
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Posted: 9/11/2006 2:41:13 AM
someone attacks an issue with some intelligent comedy. and i thought wit was dead.
Cb
Fantastic
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Posted: 9/11/2006 9:32:17 AM
I thought it was great. Rap sucks. Unless it is Sugarhill Gang or the Furious Five.
deuce
fucking awesome
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Posted: 9/11/2006 9:54:19 AM
"This girl strips and because of that, there is going to be semen fired towards her, forcefully. Makes sense." spectacular line... well done.
can't wait til YOU KNOW WHO weighs in...
That Guy
deuce, indeed
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Posted: 9/11/2006 10:07:58 AM
If ever there was a chance for HIM to actually post something clever or mildly amusing, this would be it.
Two things you can rest assured of, however:
1) HE will fail 2) HE will claim we are "obsessed" with HIM and will call us "goops."
Ready? Go.
antony
i have finally found the
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Posted: 9/11/2006 11:15:03 AM
holy grail of comedy...and it is good. LO, i have seen now the moutain tops and i now have at least a remote idea of what the term "skeet" is supposed to mean. this was fucking awesome. it was witty, it was melodramatic, it was honest and thought provoking...bravo....fly on lesbian seagull, fly on!
how about this for the next hip-hop nightmare-
shut up and spread-em girl just like you's in jail gon' head and lube it up, like a NY night stick in a Hatian male
i said X-rays show me (hispanic pronunciation so that it rhymes) hard as Scarface, blowed up on 'yay
i slip it in i pull it out just like R. Kelly----we goin ass to da mout'
Bystander
That Guy OMG!
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Posted: 9/11/2006 11:28:19 AM
LOL! That was soooo funny. You totally called U-Gene unfunny and then foreshadowed a post from HIM. LOL! HE is UNFUNNY. LOL. I mean I guess the most hilarious thing about your post is that you never actually spelled out HIS name. LOL. You just said "HE" OMG. So subtle! 5/5!!!!! on the comment. LOL.
That Guy
Oh, and the third one
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Posted: 9/11/2006 11:48:58 AM
is that HE will post as an imposter Bystander (yet again) and it will be spectacularly non-funny and non-creative (yet again).
Also...
see??!
Bystander
LMAO
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Posted: 9/11/2006 12:02:30 PM
That Guy, stop it, I just spilled coffee on my keyboard! LOL. I think you've knocked HIM out. WOW. 5/5 again!!!!!
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