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Keeping this bottled up can't be healthy
There are those things that you just can't do in your daily life. No, it's not written down in any legal document of any sort, it just is. No one asked you for your slant on the matters at hand, but find yourself not abiding to some of these rules and you run the chances of receiving a gamut of responses: ostracization, disapproving dirty looks, exile-esque insults (ethnic or not), or you may flat out, downright get your ass beat. Even with all that, frankly I believe that the following rules of life are gay--wait, that's an unspoken rule, isn't it? I can't call anything gay anymore. Fine. I believe that the following rules are homose- Ok, I'm getting myself in trouble here. Let's just begin.
#1) No farting in public
God, this meeting blows. If I could just fart, I'd be able to concentrate but disappointingly, I am forced to close my back door and undergo self induced stomach cramps and full body sweats simply because I had one too many Edamame beans at lunch. Fuck this. My stomach sounds like a rousing grizzly bear. Does anyone hear this?! Something wants out and I'd like to oblige. Why should I suffer and let everyone else sit here in complete comfort? Is it the sound of a fart that's so appalling to the general public? Maybe it's the contorted look on my face I make when I am about to go. You know the look. The scrunched nose and the lifting of one of the legs as you try to put a governor on the exit speed.
Ok, I have to stop playing the"How-close-can-I-push-it-out-without-actually-farting-but-seeing- if-I-can-tell-if-it-is-going-to-be-noisy-or-not?" Game. Is society's would-be disdain with my hypothesized fart due to the fact that this musty air will be screaming out my ass and whipping against my butt cheeks? Possibly. Personally, I think it's the people's false correlation that if I am gassy, I am somehow a dirty, horrible, untrustworthy person. And therefore, being gassy is somehow a clear example of why I cannot be allotted any responsibility at work. It's not my design and I'm not going to apologize if my body likes to equalize itself. Every guy in here would tell me to let 'er rip and might even gain respect for me if I did it. They would even lean in for a whiff while everyone else went running. 'Nice one', they would say and offer me a subtle fist pound. When did this happen anyway? When I was a kid it was cute when I farted and shit my pants. Now it's the greatest taboo.
Ok seriously, I gotta let it out. I can feel it going up my esophagus. This has to unhealthy for me to hold it in this long. Darwin would not agree with this type of altruistic self sacrifice. But I can't handle the pedophile-like reactions I would get from the women if I unplugged the dike right now. I can't afford to give up my bang-ability at work, not now. God, it's all about sex, isn't it? What's wrong with me? If only women ever pooped or farted, they could understand my pain.
I wish this room was in a full discussion because then I could risk the release of the valve without fear of audibility. Let's face it, if I'm in a boisterous crowded room and I know I got burner on deck, I'll cut that thing loose like dead weight and stick around for people's reactions. Maybe I can walk over to the window and snuggle my ass in the corner of the room- Hm? What am I doing? Nothing. I just need to stretch my legs. Don't worry about it. Just shut the fuck up and turn around Sheila, I swear to God.
Fuck, I feel like Andy Duphrene did when he secretly had to expel the rocks he had in his pant leg in The Shawshank Redemption. But unlike Andy Duphrene, I am not doing anything illegal so why do I feel like a criminal? I'm a grown ass man farting in between a book shelf and a wall during a Goddamn meeting. This is so ridiculous. I better end up banging someone at the Christmas party for this.
#2) A martini is served in a martini glass
Really? I am actually not a dog. I would choose not to slurp my liquids off of a glorified plate if I had my choice but that is evidently what my drink was handed to me in. I would have an easier time balancing George "he Animal" Steel standing on my shoulders during an earthquake than I do trying to keep liquid in this glass.
Thanks for bumping into me dude. Can't you see that I'm drinking a completely overpriced drink out of this ridiculously shaped vessel for the sole reason of looking chic and sophisticated in order to get laid by girls well out of my league? Now how am I supposed to get any ass with half this drink on my shirt?
Hey guys, it's so hot I just peeled my balls out of my ass!
If a 4-year old drew a picture of a martini glass and you didn't know what it was, you would say, "Why did you draw an upside down Frisbee with a stick attached underneath it? That is an absurd piece of equipment that couldn't possibly have a practical use in life."
And how am I supposed to hold this thing? The handle? Well ok, now the girls are looking at me weird so I guess not. Shit. $10 for this here drink and the females think I'm ill-bred. Great, now what? I can't hold it by the "bud" of this flower without feeling like a busboy holding a tray. This is idiotic. If they did a test between which contraption was more practical as far as containing vodka, it would be a tie between a martini glass and a one armed man's cupped bare hand.
When attempting to encompass a fluid, most structures have their liquid confining walls relatively close to being perpendicular to the horizon. I don't know what Mr. Martini was doing before he started getting wasted and recklessly constructing glassware, but I can assure you that he definitely wasn't the world's foremost dam builder. Good thing for villagers everywhere. If a pint glass is a marine, rigid and upright, a martini glass is the drunk prostitute he just banged passed out on his floor, flailed about, not keeping her liquids in and altogether worthless.
#3) A girl can adjust her bra strap but I can't adjust:
Maybe it's because we are desensitized to "the boobs." They're everywhere. Women do next to nothing to cover them up. Their attire is akin to concealing a watermelon with a tablespoon. So what's it to anyone that a girl has to fix her bra strap? We all know how the bra is designed to support and since the word "support' is a positive word, they are allowed to be adjusted as needed. Clearly her boobs, which are unmistakably in sight and undoubtedly exist, are bothering her for some reason and it would behoove her to fix the undergarment to encourage comfort. No problem.
Men's underwear however, are pretty much treated as clothing a man must wear so his nasty bodily excretions don't completely ruin his nice pants. No one cares about the support we need. So when my pair 'o' life decide to play their gopher game in every nook and cranny that the convergence of 2 limbs provide, I have to remain cool, calm and collected like I don't have anything hanging between my legs containing excess skin with leech like qualities. It's not fair.
Maybe it's because we don't see "the boys" enough--as a society. Granted, the male form is quite hideous. We have hair in places that convinces you there is no God, pasty legs, and an altogether unsightly set of reproductive wonder that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. But hey, just because boobs have an article of clothing designed simply for their comfort, are quite larger and generally more attractive than balls doesn't mean that balls don't need love and support too. Perhaps men have to "show a little nut" or somehow get the Borat man-kini popular so we don't have to pretend like there's nothing down there in need of support, as if our digging and adjusting is caused by a figment of our imagination. Or maybe we need underwear designed with "holsters" or "platforms" for...well, support. Maybe then our boys will get the respect they deserve in times of need. But until then, I'm forced to try and adjust by jamming my hand in my pant pocket and making it look like I'm dredging for pirate's booty that has apparently hidden itself quite well. Because right now, women point judgmental fingers at me like I am exhuming a corpse when I go in for a true skin on skin reconnaissance mission to "peel the plaster off the wall" so-to-speak. That ain't right.
#4) When in doubt, the kid gets the foul ball:
Ok hold on. I just dumped my beer all over myself, threw my hotdog three rows back, and shoved my own pregnant wife out of the way just to stop that screaming baseball with every metacarpal on deck so it wouldn't decapitate anyone. So you mean to tell me that because it bounces back onto the field of play, the little bat boy guy thinks it would be cool to give the ball to the kid next to me? Awww, how cute! The little kid got a baseball at the ol' ballgame. FUCK THAT! Chivalry must be dead, I tell you.
If you tell me I have to give this ball to a kid, I'll fight you
I try to retrieve what's rightfully mine from the kid, explaining to him exactly what the word "splintered" means when describing bone structure and people start yelling insults at me (some ethnic, some not) and then they tell me to grow up!? Ungrateful bastards. Now I'm getting angry and feeling a propensity to order some Molotov Cocktails. Grow up?! That's my problem! I am grown up and I have never gotten a ball at a game and I figured that since I prevented someone in my section from getting bludgeoned in the head by a baseball, I should be able to keep the spoils of battle, no? That kid is 4! What does he know? He has plenty of years left to sacrifice life and limb to catch foul balls like the rest of us! I never thought the Great American Pastime would be more lawless than Baghdad circa 2007, but I stand corrected.
Nonetheless, I don't get my ball back. There's a party of congratulations around the boy like he did something other than being 4, and like Stalin at a Nobel Peace Prize dinner, it's a party that I wasn't invited to. Hold on, my wife needs help standing up. 8 months pregnant and it's like she's 8 months old again! She can't do anything by herself. Amazing! "There you go honey. Good as new. What's that sweety?...How did I embarrass you?...But that kid's an asshole...Well both of them actually. The batboy and that little shit are assholes, why?...Honey? Where are you going?"
Posts: 915 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Rock Hill (sucks), SC
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:48:38 AM
I laughed out loud to the fart diatribe; and it's a little too �� painfully accurate.
Further, I contend that one of the worse unspoken rules is �� having to say that babies are adorable. Let's be honest, sometimes Babies look like trolls, or unfortunately, sometimes the fecal matter left behind by a three fingered sloth of the Amazon. But God forbid i cringe at the sight of a disfigured infant... Fuck �� you Nancy.
Posts: 5386 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:57:29 AM
Nicely done. I too laughed at the "sparkling" portion of this article. I can't say the other word, it make me sick. I also agree about the martini glass. I am a clumsy sober person, you should see me try to hold that glass after 4-5 drinks. I would rather pour the martini in a plastic cup than deal with that.
Bearnuts, the baby thing is a fucking killer. I don't think any infants are cute. they creep me out. they cry and shit themselves. and my friends get mad at me because I never hold them or pick them up. I'm afraid of catching it.
I'm with you on everything but the Martini glass. You deserve what you get there, because by drinking a martini at a bar, as you said to impress girls, is utter douchebaggery of the worst variety. You deserve to get it spilled all over you. And you're wondering the correct way to hold the glass, I'd suggest with your pinky out, so the other fags can recognize you and come hit on you.
On than that section, which clearly doesn't fit with the rest, this was spot on. I gave it a 4, for the little fuckup.
Posts: 425 Rank: 28 Joined:
12/11/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:17:50 AM
with not being able to ask a woman her age? Face it whore, you are old. By not telling me you aren't getting any younger. Fuck it, just continue to fool yourself.
Oh, and why are old bags allowed to wear large fucking hats in church? Man, I just want to slap that shit off thier heads and shit in them. Old people aren't good for nothin, except telling stories and giving pajamas and underwear as christmas gifts.
the old lady in hats must be a black thing. At least that's what i think i'm seeing as i'm going home on Sunday morning and the nougats are headed to baptist church.
I'm gonna call out people who argue in public. It seems that no one dares interject in that it might some breach of bat shit nutzo etiquette. The new rule should be that anyone arguing "wit dey baby's moma" in public should have a fire hose turned on them.
Posts: 14 Rank: 205 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo Grove, IL
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:28:28 AM
After four years in the real world, I've become desensitized to the concept of dropping ass in the office. The only rule I have left is not to let one go in the presence of someone who has the power to fire me. I regularly step into other people's cubicles and let go of the rank, gaseous mixture of decomposing food and alcohol. This makes me a douschebag, but I'm comfortable with my douschebaggery.
"you have to play with/appreciate my dog" rule? I have nothing against dogs (ask my pal Kevin, he'll tell you), but I would just prefer that we leave each other alone. I really have no interest in having him slobber all over me, or constantly drop a slimy tennis ball in my lap, while you finish inserting your diaphram before we head off to the movie. And no, he isn't "the cutest thing I ever saw." Just put the mutt in the basement so he doesn't start humping my leg, or sniffing my ass while I yodel in your valley.
Second pic Caption:
"Yeah, Allie, Derek gave me yours two years ago and I've had them down here ever since!"
Posts: 2222 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:31:41 AM
I don't know, don't you think that if the martini was in a different glass, it wouldn't be such a douche drink? It is pretty much just vodka. I think that if you put it in the same glass as whiskey, it wouldn't be such a 'gay' drink.
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