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So you’ve decided to own a pet! Congratulations! This is the worst decision you’ve ever made!
All kidding aside, owning a pet can be a very rewarding experience full of loyalty, love and 3 AM emergency trips to the vet because Sasha ate an entire bottle of One-A-Day vitamins. However, owning a pet is a responsibility and a priveledge, not a right. It’s similar to driving, voting and getting a happy ending. The utmost care must be taken to ensure a positive experience for you, your family and for the animal involved. Here I’ve outlined some simple tips to ensure a healthy, happy pet-family relationship.
1) Ok, there are a few steps you need to take before bringing your pet home. First, take all of your furniture, everything that you want to keep nice, and shove it into the nearest railroad drainage ditch. Yea, all of it. Trust me, there is no way of maintaining attractive furniture while a pet is living under your roof, so it’s a good idea to get rid of all of your nice shit now, before it breaks on accident. Also, it’s important to start thinking about bowls and stuff, because you’re probably going to have to feed it at some point. Enough of the precautions, lets get to the good stuff
2) Owning a pet is a great way to teach responsibility to your kids by forcing them to clean up someone else’s vomit. You may want to puke on the carpet a few times and have them clean it up, to make sure your kids are up to the task. Don’t bother with syrup of ipecac, just fire down a bottle or two of blackberry brandy. This is also a good way to teach your kids about discipline, but that is a completely different article.
3) When it comes to choosing a species, dogs are a very popular choice. People are attracted to a dog’s strong sense of loyalty and protective nature. Mainly, dogs will bark at bad guys. This is useful is you live in South West Philadelphia, off of 63rd Street especially. However, one major drawback of owning a dog is that they often have difficulty differentiating between bad guys and non-bad guys, such as neighbors, you, the Pope, leaves blowing across the front yard, shadows and the doorbell. Heaven forbid the Pope ring the doorbell. Also, dogs run away and sometimes bite people. And they shit on the floor, piss on everything and basically smell terrible, all the time. Other than that, dogs are a fantastic choice.
4) While a kitten seems like a great idea, it’s important, i.e. imperative, to remember that kittens turn into cats. Cats, by nature, hate you. Also, you probably have like 10 friends who claim to be allergic, and every time they come over they will be all like “I’M ALLERGIC! I’M ALLERGIC!” so keep that in mind as well. Other than that, cats are pretty self sufficient. They shit in a little sandbox, which is nice, and you don’t have to bathe them constantly. However, cats have razor sharp claws that are capable of slicing through titanium like a knife through butter. And they wait until you’re sleeping to attack. There you’ll be, sleeping, and BAM! Sliced open! You should probably have your cat declawed. And spayed, too. If there’s one thing cats know how to do correctly, it’s fuck. Often times you’ll have a cat or two, then the next week you’ll have 17 of them. If this is not your goal, to have a house full of cats fucking, get them fixed. Finally, owning a cat will enable your creepy, pervert uncle to make “pussy” jokes every Thanksgiving. Keep that in mind, too. Other than that, cats are a terrific choice.
5) Don’t get a rabbit unless you want to be one of those creepy dudes who owns a rabbit. You know, those guys who are always like “heeeey, come check out my rabbit.” Here is a list of people who owned rabbits: Jeffrey Dahmer, Lenny from Of Mice and Men and Adolf Hitler. If you want to add your name to this list of homicidal perverts, that’s fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
6) If you are considering owning a dolphin, the fact that a dolphin’s vagina has twice as many muscles as a woman’s is a good place to start while trying to convince your wife, girlfriend or parole officer.
7) Don’t be one of those guys who gets a gross pet, like Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches. Even though you’re doing it to be unique, it will only make everyone hate you more than they already do. And nobody ever picked up a chick walking their cockroach in the park.
8) Pet Sematary is a movie, and in no way, shape or form can you bring a pet back to life by burying them in a secret Indian burial ground. Keep note of this when deciding whether or not to build a fence.
9) Like rabbits, if you get a snake, everyone will refer to you as “the snake dude.” While this sounds cool in theory, most people don’t like the idea of your snake getting loose and biting their ass from the toilet while they are trying to shit. If you ever have a snake and it gets loose, my suggestion is to burn all of your shit and move. Otherwise, there’s no telling when that motherfucker is going to bite you right on the ass.
10) Finally, if you’re going to get a dog, make sure you get a DOG, and not just one of those squirrels that Paris Hilton carries around in her pocketbook. If you get a corny little fun-sized dog, I will personally make it my life’s ambition to murder you.
Okay, so there you have it Ten Tips for proper pet ownership. Simply follow these rules and you’re sure to enjoy a fantastic experience with your pet for as long as they live, which is a lot shorter than humans, so be prepared to tell the kids how come Ol’ Max is sleeping with his eyes open. And please, don’t purchase a pet. There are many loving animals out there just looking for a home like yours to destroy. Pick up a few today. Tell them E sent ya!
the 1st pic might be the greatest thing on the internet since the star wars kid video. please tell me that the monkey has spurs on his boots hiding beneath the chaps. wow. that made my week.
great article too. addendum to #1: clothes. pants in particular. might as well throw all of your *nice* ones away. *real* dogs (#10) produce large quantities of drool & snot and they zero in on your crotch. just a warning.
Balls
Good Call
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Posted: 12/4/2006 9:44:46 AM
Does anyone else feel that snake ownership has kind of a "date rapey" vibe to it? And if your dog is so small that it makes more sense to carry it rather than walk it places...shoot it.
Kotter
Amazing
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Posted: 12/4/2006 10:23:15 AM
I started reading this article with low expectations.
I was severely disappointed. I roffled a couple times. Very well done.
Mc. Shitty
Amazing
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Posted: 12/5/2006 1:44:09 PM
Fucking amazing
this line was priceless
the fact that a dolphin’s vagina has twice as many muscles as a woman’s is a good place to start while trying to convince your wife, girlfriend or parole officer.
DennisIsEvil
Stupid people's stupid pets
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Posted: 12/6/2006 6:41:27 PM
Here's a pack of genetic defectives who need to die in a car accident. People who buy Pit Bulls and rottweilers to look tough. Look Bruno we all know you have a tiny dick and wouldn't get laid if you visited deathrow in a women's prison with a box full of pardons. Stop using an animal for a surrogate penis. And pull up your goddamn pants you're not gangsta you're a pathetic jackass.
Posts: 45 Rank: 241 Joined:
12/13/2006
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Salt Lake City, UT
Posted: 12/13/2006 3:28:13 PM
The most grating, mind-splitting, evil sound ever to assualt my own hearing came from a nine pound poodle. The sound was some combination of the hissing of a viper and the grinding teeth. All that separated me from the demon was a thin pane of screen-door glass--and I was afraid. That's right. I was nineteen years old and afraid that this miniature hellhound would rip my throat out and drag my soul to the searing pit of darkness. If your getting a poodle, be sure to have it spayed/neutered and exorcised.
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