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Ok so there’s a movie coming out about this plane that has a bunch of like, deadly snakes on it and the snakes get loose. And all the critics and America are being like, "What a stupid movie! Snakes on a plane! That’s so stupid!"
Let me tell you what’s stupid: You, that’s what. Stupid.
Snakes on a plane! Holy shit, when I heard about this I was like, "Holy shit! Snakes on a plane! Holy shit! How did they get on that plane?" No joke. How is that stupid? Having snakes on a plane would like, seriously be fucking scary. Okay, they are SNAKES. There are only a couple of things worse than snakes on a plane. Allow me to discuss.
Also, these are all my ideas for Snakes on a Plane Part 2. So don’t try to steal them.
Spiders on a Plane:
Oay, if there’s one thing that people hate, it’s spiders. Imagine a plane full of spiders! Fuck! That would scare people, especially women and Chris Metkus, my friend from college who is very afraid of spiders. If you told most people that there was one, even one spider on the plane, they would open the emergency door mid-flight and cause the plane to have a rapid decompression, spiraling into the Everglades, where, trust me, there are a lot more spiders. I figure like, thousands more spiders. But its like, snakes, you can pretty much see snakes all the time, you know, they’re snakes. But spiders, come on! Some of those bitches are little. it only takes one black widow in your boot and its over, johnny. that’s how come I shake out my boots before I put them on. Well, its for scorpions, but sometimes a black widow could fall out, too. its basically a scorpion/spider safeguard. needless to say, spiders on a plane is bad news, and would make for a great movie directed by Brett Ratner starring me, possibly as a big fucking spider.
Elephants on a Plane:
This is a no-brainer. You cant have elephants on a plane with you! They are too big! Elephants are way too big to be on a plane! Plus they shit all over the place and they stampede and crush humans and all that shit. Elephants are way too big to be on the plane. If you are waiting to get on the plane and there are a bunch of elephants in front of you, make sure that their trunks will fit in the overhead bins. Haha, just kidding, that’s just a little joke, there. Get it? Trunks? In real life, if there are elephants waiting to get on your plane, don’t worry about their trunks- just inform the authorities and try to stay calm. Elephants will stomp the shit out of you if you show fear, on or off a plane.
Wes from "The Real World" on a Plane:
If this guy is on the plane with you, dude, that is just awful. First of all, if you are a woman, he will probably make you his girlfriend, then verbally abuse you until you cry and throw water bottles. If you are a man, he will flex his muscles at you and pick a fight or something, and then steal your girlfriend, ultimately making her cry. Also this guy is very loud and if you like to sleep on planes, this is NOT the plane ride for you, because Wes will keep you up through the whole flight talking about his collection of cutoff t-shirts and drunk girls' phone numbers. If you can help it, I strongly advise against getting on a plane with Wes from "The Real World". That guy, there’s not much worse things than him, anywhere, including on planes.
Liberal Hippie College Students on a Plane:
This is another no-brainer. If there is one thing that liberal hippie college students love, it's hating on the President to you, and trying to get you to change all of your views, even if you don’t even know what your views are. If there’s another thing that hippies love, its hackysack, and trust me, those aisles are not wide enough for hackysack. Seriously, the stewardess will not be able to do drink cart service, which, coupled by the terrible smell of hemp, patchouli oil and body odor, will definitely ruin your trip. This is worse than snakes on a plane. At least the snakes will probably kill you quick. Hippies will be all like, "No man, you don’t understand! So many innocent Iraqis are dying! its not fair! We are ruining the rain forest! There are people who are going hungry! The president is so stupid!" And then you will have to read the in-flight safety brochure to try to act like you aren’t interested, and trust me, it isn’t very good. I read it like 6 or 7 times, and there weren’t even hippies on my plane.
Chainsaws on a Plane:
Another no-brainer. If you get on a plane and there’s a bunch of dudes with running chainsaws, you’ve made a grave mistake. I’ll be honest with you here: I’m not gonna lie. You’re probably not going to make it through that flight. Like if the chainsaw-wielding guy next to you turns to look out the window, he could sever your carotid artery without even knowing it. And he wouldn’t even be able to hear you screaming over the noise of the chainsaw. And even if there was a doctor on the plane who specializes in chainsaw wounds, he would probably not be able to defend against renegade chainsaw fiends while treating your wounds. Also, window seats would be especially vulnerable to chainsaws because the windows are not chainsaw-proof as far as I know. Or they are just chainsaw-resistant, but either way you are in danger. So if you see even one guy, before you get on the plane, and he has a running chainsaw, don’t get on that plane. That’s worse than snakes, probably, by far.
Boarding a plane near you.
Deadly Amusement Park Rides on a Plane:
This is the biggest no-brainer by far. The Giant Drop, if put on a plane, is an unstoppable killing machine, comparable only to second hand cigarette smoke and chanting “Bloody Mary” in front of a mirror with your six-year-old friends. If you get on the Giant Drop, and it is on a plane, man, where did you find that plane? No really, it’s all over for you. You’re just asking for it at that point. Whether or not you want one, you’re going to get a ride. And actually you’re just trying to get my attention. Well, at least let me know when you plan on doing that; I want to get pictures. And all you other people may be like, "Don’t be an idiot, Elliot, there are no amusement park rides on planes." Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well there were no snakes on planes either! Nobody expected snakes on the plane! And boom, there they are, snakes on the plane! Nobody knows how to deal with snakes on a plane; how many people know how to deal with "the Tower of Terror" on a plane? Hey, you can never be too careful, and you never, ever know. You never, ever, ever know. Seriously.
So basically, even though snakes on a plane would be very bad, there are some worse shit out there that could be on planes. And I didn’t even mention some things, like babies with stomach flu, or someone holding a briefcase containing the Ebola virus, or fat girls. But whatever, don’t come crying to me when you get on the wrong plane. I will be busy in my spider suit talking to Brett Ratner about my motivation for, like, getting on the plane if I am a spider. But whatever that isn’t the point at all.
I can say from experience that Jonathan Smith on a plane is 58 times worse than fuckin' snakes. Every time he starts chatting with "the boss" mid-flight, you can't help but think that your ride is about to dent up a fuckin' mountain. The only thing I can think of being worse would be me on a plane. Because lord knows my shitty fuckin' A's cap reeks worse than the matted fur off the back of a gorilla's shit-ridden anus.
MisterOrange
Holy fucking shit!
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Posted: 7/18/2006 4:06:19 AM
What's that thing the troopers' holding in the first pic? Please tell me it's been photoshopped. If it's for real it'l be like that time I saw a fully grown spider crab at the aquarium and pissed my pants. I'm a serious arachnaphobe and just the thought of spiders on a plane had me shitting my pants. Jesus I hate spiders.
Pablo
e
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Posted: 7/18/2006 5:06:55 AM
IMDB Message Board on a Plane?
Eric
Mister orange
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Posted: 7/18/2006 9:11:53 AM
The creature in the first photo is a camel spider, actually a type of scorpion, common in the middle east. Not only are they big, 7-8 inch legspan, they are also fast as hell, reaching speeds of around ten MPH. They eat flesh, not just juices like other arachna. I have seen them in person during every rotation to the gulf I have had, and they are just plain old mean and nasty.
MisterOrange
Eric
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Posted: 7/18/2006 9:27:38 AM
Thanks for the info. I live in Africa and I always thought my continent was home to the meanest arachnids. But alas, showed up by those fucking Arabs again!
BQ
how about...
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Posted: 7/18/2006 10:31:07 AM
A muslim on a plane?
Tom A
Carrot top's extended family...
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Posted: 7/18/2006 10:49:19 AM
On a plane, returning from their family reunion, carrying the Ebola virus and megaphones.
vertigo
Nice
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Posted: 7/18/2006 11:05:54 AM
Zidane on a Plane? I apologize.
Beetle
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Posted: 7/18/2006 11:13:36 AM
Billy Zane on a plane. Hopefully he wouldn't be wearing his Phantom costume. Yikes.
Christine
Or
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Posted: 7/18/2006 11:16:54 AM
A theatre troup flying in for an improvisation competition. nothing is worse than the warm-ups you will have to endure for that ride. Vocal warm-ups, facial expression warm-ups, tremors. ugh, its awful. And they think they're real cool because they're artsy and they think they will provide entertainment for everyone around so they keep it up for the whole filght. I used to be one of these assholes until someone set me onthe right path. Thank you angel dust, thank you.
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