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Fucking up an office near you.
The other day, this woman brought her dog to work. Let me tell you: it was amazing. All the hot women loved it. They all were like, "OH my GOD. Is that your DOG?" to this lady. And it was a pretty nice dog and all; she had a stuffed animal to chew on and was generally well-behaved. But all the women in the office were treating the dog like it was magic or something. So I was thinking that the best way to get women at work to talk to you is to bring in a dog. Obviously, right?
Then today, this OTHER lady, she brought in her own kid. And it was just like the dog but better. All the women freaked again, while the kid just sat there coloring and doing a puzzle. I wasn't impressed with the kid or her puzzle skills, but it looked like everyone else goddam was thrilled about it.
Then this afternoon I was thinking to myself, like, I need some sort of gimmick. I need to bring something to work that will make all the women talk to me. So I took a few notes on the train, and here's what I came up with. Here is things that you can bring to work that will make women talk to you.
Bring a kid to work:
Here's an oldie but a goodie. However, it's a little tougher for me, being that I don't have any kids of my own on my person on a daily basis. But the way I see it, there's plenty of kids whose parents don't give a fuck if you bring them to work for the day. So that's what I do now. Bring any kid to work day! And I'm not talking about like, bring a refugee from South America to work, either. Those kids have enough problems before having to sit in your goddam status meetings. I'm talking about a random child that could easily pass for my own personal kid. I'm talking about, when people ask me "Aw, is that your kid?" I can say, "No." And then I can walk away briskly. And my buddy John said that if you kidnap a kid for only one day it's just kid borrowing which is just a misdemeanor.
Bring a deer on a leash to work:
I've thought long and hard about this, and I was thinking about the ideal animal to bring in to work. Everyone brings in dogs. Dogs are old news. I want something dangerous; something that speaks to my unpredictable style. Like a deer on a leash. I mean, a squirrel on a leash would be funny for a little, and bringing in a random bird, like a crow to just squawk around the conference room, that would be pretty hilarious. But bringing in a deer? On a leash? Holy shit, that thing would be bugging the fuck out from the minute you walked it in the door to the minute it smashed through the vending machine, all the way up until it shattered all the glass in the lobby trying to fight its own reflection. If that doesn't get the ladies talking to you, nothing will. I can hear them already. "Call an ambulance, Phil's cut real bad!" and other, sexier things.
Bring a Homeless Vet to Work:
First person to say gander gets bit.
What better way to teach your fellow workers the horrors of war than by bringing a smelly homeless vet into your office for the day? No seriously, I already have the guy picked out. He sleeps on a grate outside the VIP grocery on Walnut. Sometimes he even plays drums on a bunch of garbage cans he has set up. I can imagine productivity would skyrocket if they heard that guy smashing away on his sheetrock buckets in the middle of the hall. Just like he does on Broad Street! I would also give him his very own Styrofoam cup to jiggle around in my bosses' faces in the middle of their meetings. Awesome! I think this idea has the most legs of all.
Bring an escort to work:
I figure it would be a pretty great idea to bring a whore to work. You know, just for the day. And I would want her wearing her nicest whore clothes. One of those red dresses that shows off the bottom of her ooh-ooh. And a pair of FUCKED UP stripper heels that make her literally 6 feet tall. But I read somewhere that like, to hire porn stars for the hour, they are like 1500 bucks. So maybe I can get a day rate on someone cheaper. I mean, ideally I am looking at spending about 200 dollars. What can I get for that money, anything good? Whatever it is, I know it will have people talking. Nothing like a good whore to get those assholes in accounting talking, that's what I said in my high school Valedictorian speech.
Bring all your friends to work:
I gotta be honest with you. In real life, I think maybe I have, hmm, 4 friends. So it would not be difficult for me to bring them all to work on the same day. If you're one of those girls who takes bathroom photographs with yourself hugging 8 other women, this may be a bit more difficult for you. But for me, bringing all my friends to work is entirely doable. And I would even have little jobs for them. Like Andrew, who is a resident doctor at a hospital, he can help me clean the messy papers off my desk. JT, who works in taxes, he could be in charge of making sure that the radio never plays any Phil Collins. And Mark could help that one lady's daughter with the puzzle. Also, some of my friends carry knives, so you can rest assured nobody would fuck with me that day. But as far as chicks talking to me because of it, this probably wouldn't work. Because it certainly doesn't work in the bars.
Bring a goose to work:
Exhibit A: Whore.
I don't know about your office, but outside of my office there is a shitload of geese. And they don't do much besides quack around and poop. So I don't think anyone would really miss one out in the field. And I'm not going to keep him on a leash like the deer. The goose will be allowed to just waddle around, biting people at his own discretion. You know; let the goose be a goose, that's my motto.
Well, there you have it. Seriously, I am looking forward to finding out how well this works for all of you out there. If you have any ideas about better things to bring to work, let me know. But let's be honest; there's no way anyone could bring in anything better than this stuff. What, a live snake? Sure, but then you're the creepy snake guy, and chicks don't even dig snakes. See? I have all the angles covered.
And if any of you know a nice, inexpensive whore, let me know.
Posts: 1068 Rank: 15 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/25/2008 10:48:43 AM
I think I know one, but her name is Steve.
The article was not smash 'em up, but it wasn't supposed to be. The pace was good. I liked some of the lines -- "and other, sexier things" -- and, of course, the Philadelphia references.
Geese. They are a problem. It used to be that the only good thing about the coming winter, was hearing and seeing the geese leave for a few months. Then, the non-migratory ones, who are identical to the migratory Canadian geese, moved in. Not sure when. But, as the name implies, they stay all year long. Lots of poop. But I have a solution. Eat them. They're very meaty looking. My wife says they're dirty. Name a clean bird...besides mine...badump ssssss. Anyway, cook 'em up. Feed them to the homeless. Everyone wins.
I'd like to bring my dog to work, but she's a pitmix. Cute, but unpredictable. Might not put clients at ease.
I fived it. I really like the way it reads as the honest yearnings and rationale of someone whose development was abruplty halted at 14. Makes me want to play video games with the author, eat Fruity Pebbles, raid the liquor cabinet and turn on late night skinemax!
Patrick McLooseyGoosey, Geese are a problem here as well. Plastic foxes work pretty well, see them in business parks and on golf courses. I was all against your idea to eat them, I have this carnal instinct to snap their neck, pull the feathers and throw them on the fire every time I see one - but they are greasy as a mechanic shop floor - so I was against your idea to eat them until you explained you wanted to feed them to the bums - You can be part of the problem or part of the solution - Patrick is part of the solution!
Posts: 1359 Rank: 9 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:07:36 AM
Other bring to work ideas:
A midget with “the down”:
This move would garner tremendous mileage, insuring lifelong employment and several promotions. Even money one could rise to CEO if aforementioned dwarf-'tard were Asian, wearing glasses outfitted with lenses fashioned for the Hubble Telescope, and suffering a minor drooling “issue.”
Posts: 174 Rank: 26 Joined:
8/14/2006
Location:
The Lou, KY
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:10:17 AM
Seriously, bitches love cheese. I gigantic wheel on your desk with a variety of tasty crackers, and you'll be surrounded by chicks all day. Some of them might be large with sausage-like fingers, but they'll all have breasts and vaginas.
Bring Your Drug-Laced Food Items to Work Day can also be a big hit if executed properly.
Why do we have to pick a day and/or pick an item to bring to work? This is a good idea but lets run with it. I am thinking parrot or preferably monkey on the shoulder a la any pirate worth his salt. On the shoulder at all times, work and play, meetings, sporting events, airplanes, 5 star restaraunts - you get it and you will get the chicks with that approach.
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