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I think everyone will agree that freedom is a good thing. We should have lots and lots of freedom. However, you can't always get away with doing anything you want if it bothers someone else. It's like the old saying goes, your freedom to play the accordion ends where I get in range to hit you with a pillow case filled with pool balls. Just because we like freedom doesn't mean that everything people do in the name of freedom should be free.
No one said that pissing off your neighbors by revving your Harley Davidson was going to be free; first you have to buy an over-priced motorcycle and an assortment of official Harley Davidson accessories which make you look like a stunt double for one of the Village People. Dew rag, wallet with chain, leather vest; it's hard to tell if you are trying to look menacing or you're going to a Halloween party. You can get away with unbelievably obnoxious conduct if you are willing to pay to have things ironed out for you after you finish. Just ask OJ. If you have the money you can have a three-egg bald eagle omelet for breakfast, kill someone in a drunken driving incident after lunch, and then top off the day at the Netherland Ranch doing things that would make a Catholic priest uncomfortable. No one said that living in the sewer was going to be cheap; that's why we have lawyers.
There are all sorts of things that fall into the category of bad behavior which are still free of charge. With America's infrastructure crumbling down beneath us, I think it's time to start generating a little revenue from a lot of anti-social behavior that has been free thus far. We'll call it the asshole tax. You can keep on being you, no one wants to impinge on your freedoms, but from now on a lot of what you think is normal conduct is going to cost you. Being an asshole isn't a right, it's a privilege. It's time people paid for that privilege.
We'll start off by putting a meter on car horns. Feel like blowing your damn horn? Go right ahead, but it's going to cost you $5 every time you touch it. You get fined for speeding and other obnoxious acts while driving, so why shouldn't people have to pay to honk? Blow your brains out, big guy. We need to rebuild a bridge in Minnesota. Feel like blasting the stereo in your little Fast and the Furious-mobile? It's going to cost you $20 for every decibel over 90. Flashing lights and deafening dance beats seem more suited for a gay nightclub than a vehicle, but that's just my opinion. It's a free country as they say, and from now on you need to pay to keep it that way.
Have the need to talk on your cell phone in a movie theater? No problem, the phone companies can tack on a surcharge of $1 for every syllable that comes out of your fat, pop corn-stuffed gob. The phone companies are already the masters of taxes and extra fees. If there is one thing the phone companies are good at it's charging for shit. They will be able to figure out the logistics of this add-on before you finish reading this essay. Are you going to finish? Is anyone still reading?
We could charge people for writing offensive and not-very-funny essays on the internet. That seems fair to me, but then we'll also have to charge anonymous trolls for leaving comments completely lacking in wit. I think that there is probably enough asshole-ish behavior to tax that before you know it America will be completely rebuilt and looking like something out of the Jetsons. Lord knows that taxes won't reduce the number or severity of assholes but we may as well make some money from our collective incivility. The Internal Revenue Service is America's most ruthless and powerful organization. I think it's time we introduce the IRS to America's lone gunmen, Al Qaeda terrorists, HOV lane violators, and passengers who insist on using the front overhead bins for their luggage even though they are sitting in the back of the plane. If we can't stop'em we may as well charge'em.
Look, I don't know if this is exactly related to this article but, when I was in college, 9-11 happened. One day I ended up getting into an argument with this fucking bitch in my video class about how shitty songs and stuff that come out based on large tradgedies are often just that...shit.
She was all "who are you to say what's art and what's not?" Everyone was all hung up on "If my shitty act or song doesn't go on, then the terrorists have truly won." It was just a way for starving artists to trot out their bullshit and put it on display.
Anyways, I am sick of assholes doing shitty things and saying "it's a free country".
Sorry for my first rant but, I can relate to the article in one way. I have a solution to people talking on their phones in movie theatres, and I know it works because I saw it happen.
I was watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre Remake" in theatres recently and this asshole got on his phone but, it was one of those person to person shits that works like a walkie talkie and beeps out loud everytime you talk.
This shit went on for awhile and then something miraculous happened. Someone behind me got fed up with this dudes shit and started throwing change at him! At first he tried to act like he didn't notice and then he tried to act tough and started calling people out. Eventually he just shut the fuck up and got off the phone.
I don't know what to say if the asshole is sitting behind you, though.
Posts: 2077 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:09:28 AM
Theose fuckers honl at everything on this damn city. They honk if the light turns red. They honk if there's trafiic (and there's always traffic). They honk if there's a car accident. They honk if it's raining. Ugh....
I've got one addition to this (and this is definitely a game for today): if you do that thing at sporting events where you see the cameras filming something and so you stand behind the person being taped/interviewed and wave at the camera and smile like a fucking ass then you will be fined $100 on the spot. If you're on your cell phone while doing this so you can tell your friends to look for you on TV then the fine is quadrupled.
doubles if you do it in a parking lot. Triples if you do it in the parking lot where you work.
Belding, you tell that sumbitch he's got 0 more times to talk on that cell phone before you get up and put a boot in his eye. Unless you're at the 'black movie theater'. You don't want to incite a riot.
Posts: 110 Rank: 131 Joined:
3/11/2008
Location:
London, ON
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:18:28 AM
Great article, but revenge is soooooo much better. How about this: Whenever a top 40 DJ plays "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" or "Who let the Dogs Out" you're allowed to hit him in the face with a tube sock filled with wood screws.
Whenever a girl (not carrying a purse) you just met at a bar asks (i.e. tells) you to buy her a drink, you should get one free shot to throw it in her face.
The only time you should be allowed to honk a car horn are for these four reasons:
1) "The light is Green." 2) "The Light is Red" 3) "I Hate You." 4) "This vehicle is equipped with a horn."
Posts: 1094 Rank: 12 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:27:44 AM
The line it reminds me of:
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
Ball's #2 Who hasn't she?
Ball game: Going slow in the fast lane. If the person behind you uses a honk to tell you to get out of the way, it dos not mean make a phone call, it means Get the Fuck out of the Way!
For anyone peeling out in a parking lot. The fine doubles if you pull this shit at your work parking lot. No one is impressed with your souped up Chevrolet Sprint.
And god help you if you're blasting crappy music while you're peeling out. Not only do you get a tax, but police will get 2 solid swats at your kneecaps.
Posts: 196 Rank: 60 Joined:
4/8/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:44:36 AM
Tax motherfuckers who don't use turn signals. Tax motherfuckers who pull out on busy streets to make a left turn and block traffic going the other way. Tax people who can't seem to park between the two lines that make up a parking spot.
This is why DeMarco needs to pay me for my work--so I can buy my tank and hit asshole drivers at will. Fuck it, I got the insurance.
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