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Better than a Roth IRA
Hey, Boxcar Willy! Why don't you stop licking the rim of that garbage can and come over here for a minute? Being homeless doesn't have to be horrible. Sure, you don't have any foldable money and the elderly take up all of the good cots at the shelter, but think of the positives. There are Regular Joes that would kill to be in your shoes (pardon the pun), so take advantage of it!
YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T BITCH AT YOU. The upside to the fact that other homeless people and rape victims are the only females that you will ever have sex with means that you'll never have the displeasure of a significant other that hates your fucking guts. It's not like you're going to charm the pants off of some broad by screaming at her as she exits the grocery store and take her back to your freeway underpass for a romantic meal, so you have no worries about that imaginary woman ever wanting to move in with you. The underpass isn't "yours," per say, despite how many times you've pissed on it, so she can't really move in, exactly. Catch my drift?
Being a Confirmed Bachelor doesn't have the same meaning that it used to. Sure, you might have felt like a huge fag that one morning when you woke up in the Castro District covered in man-sweat, but being a "CB" in your case just means that no normal women will touch you with a 10-foot fucking pole--no, not even the ugly, drunk, blind ones. So embrace that loneliness and refuse to use a napkin while eating in the alley. Masturbate wherever you damned well please! And it doesn't matter if your socks match, because they're so filthy that you can't even distinguish the colors anyway. Stand alone, Hobo. And stand tall"
GAS PRICES AND THE STOCK MARKET HAVE NO EFFECT ON YOU. You've no doubt heard the phrase, "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." This means you! You may have, at some point between bouts of unconsciousness, heard passers-by complaining about the price of oil, their 401(k)'s and student loan debts. This should bring a huge fucking toothless grin to your scabbed, dirty lips. Your shopping cart does not require regular fill-ups and oil changes. Your retirement plan is to jump off of the 5th Street Bridge. You stopped going to school after that nasty incident in the 2nd grade, so drop by County some time and thank your babysitter's husband for having such "busy hands" and smashing your little 7-year-old dreams. You would have made a shitty Astronaut, anyways.
You can imagine how hard it would be to pay for one night in a hotel to get a decent place to sleep and bathe, but try paying for one whole month of that shit in the way of a mortgage! The gas, electricity and water expenses are not inclusive, either. Think of the work that it would entail to come up with the money to purchase a single postage stamp, then multiply that by one hundred and you'd know what else goes into that envelope to the phone company. You don't need it because no one cares enough about you to listen to your ramblings. Can you imagine the 30-second phone call that it would take to explain what you've been up to for the past year?
Still homeless?
Now accepting donations!
Yup.
Still drinking?
Whenever I get the chance.
OK, bye.
Save the money and put it in your Malt Liquor Fund.
YOU NEVER HAVE TO WAIT IN LINES. What do the bank, the grocery store and McDonalds all have in common? Yes, they ARE all places that you've been kicked out of and subsequently banned from for life, due to your pesky habit of exposing your scummy genitals, but I'm talking about LINES, here. Lots of places that thrive on the almighty dollar have people lined up right out the door, waiting to hand over their money. Suckers! You have to wait in two lines a year--at the Homeless Buffet Line down at the shelter on Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's it, and neither of those involves you paying for a damned thing! Some people have waited in more lines than that before lunchtime on any given day, so consider your ass LUCKY!
BEING A RESPONSIBLE PARENT SUCKS. Even if you weren't a registered sex offender, which is clearly not the case here, you'll never have to go through the Hell that is planning a child's birthday party. I'm not a doctor, but I've heard that drinking rubbing alcohol significantly reduces your sperm count, so you're in the clear. And, I hate to seem as though I'm beating a dead horse here, it's not like you need a more aggressive form of birth control than being homeless. Tends to kill the mood a tad...
But that's a GOOD thing! The last thing you'd want is to be responsible for the well-being of another human that loves you. You can't take care of yourself properly, and you'd probably just end up fucking up a child's life worse than your parents did yours. It would be a train wreck, and that would make you the conductor. Add that to the fact that children require food, clean water, shelter and transportation, and you win! So here's a 5-spot--go blow it on something destructive, and don't you go changing on me! You ARE the Biggest Loser...
Posts: 4537 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philly, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:44:05 AM
The title alone make this a great piece, but it was also very funny. Good job el jefe.
One time, me and my roommate were fucked up (surprise!) and we were leaving this bar and I fell (Surprise) I was so embarrassed that instead of getting up. I stayed there and told everyone walking by that that block of cement was my new home and I wasn't leaving. I even pulled out files from my work bag and started doing work. My roommate pleaded with everyone walking by to get me up.
Finally, this couple stopped and the husband got me to get up. We talked to them for a while and my roommate and the guy started making out right in front of his wife. She laughed it off and said she didn't care.
A homeless guy walked by at that moment selling dead roses and the wife started making out with the homeless guy right in front of her husbands face.
Now that is revenge, my friends. If they stayed married all she has to say is, "yeah, well I made out with a homeless guy and you kissed me after that".
This homeless guy tried to rob me. One guy was wanting me to go to this alley because his friend was sick. I could see other guy bent over.
I'm guessing he was feigning sickness. So I pretended I didn't know English. The guy left me alone. When in doubt, Spanish out. It's also a good way to get rid of those pesky Mormons.
Christine, your post hurts my weary brain this morning, I know you are an hour ahead, but I am just not ready for those visuals, the article was a summer breeze compared to your take. Ouch.
Oh course it is my fault, I know you hadn't called this weekend but if you had I think this would have transpired more or less:
Christine: Still Drinking? Hyde: Yup, you still drinking? Christine: Whenever I get the chance. Hyde: Ok, bye.
Two dollars means a snack to me, but it means a big deal to you. Go ahead Mr. Wendell.
Posts: 1487 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:59:48 AM
No? But what if I laughed...and I did? Still no? Fine. The scabby lips line was great, as was the shitty Astronaut comment. I really enjoyed this, but I have a knot in my stomach mostly because I have no excuse for my scummy genitals.
First of all, thanks for not having a stupid St. Patrick's Day article. Also, I really think Toque will enjoy this take on some of his clientele.
I break down the homeless into a couple categories. If you were born into a decent life, without mental illness, then Fuck You. You're a drug addict. You made choices and this is where you ended up. I really hate seeing young kids, probably from suburbia, with dreadlocks and a drugged out face. Fuck you. Seriously. And if you were born into a decent life, but with inherited mental illness...and you ended up homeless and an addict...I feel kind of bad...but only if you never had the opportunity to take medications.. Finally, I have genuine sympathy for those born into squalor and therefore ended up homeless...and likely mentally ill and addicted. The article was still funny though.
Also, you all suck. And I mean that from the bottom of my coal-black heart. I want my old life back. If only for today. I want to be drinking in a pub -- maybe not at this second -- but by 11 at the latest. Not going to happen.
Just kidding. My heart's big...but you all stick suck it.
Posts: 1686 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:01:58 AM
What a great article, amazing job Jefe.
Other advantages:
Never getting stuck in rush hour traffic. Shit, if anything you benefit from it. What better to tug at someones heart strings than watching you get snowed/rained on while they are stuck at a merge lane to the freeway for 5 minutes.
Posts: 1487 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:10:01 AM
That was a repulsive story, even by my standards. Nice job.
I feel bad about saying this about your roommate, because I'm positive that she was abused, but she is a skank and should never give you crap about bringing home dudes you hate...regardless of her daughter's presence.
That guy's wife. I'm not sure whether she's gross too or just over-the-top hysterical.
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