Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Celebrating 50 years of soft, powdering smelling independent women!
Welcome home, Big Guy! Why yes, that IS a trail of rose petals! Where does it lead? Shhh! It's a sexy secret! That's right, I'm employing Cosmo's 101 Sexy Secrets to Please Your Man!
I feel like you and I have been drifting apart lately, and I want to add 14 Tips To Add Spark and Zest to your Relationship and Please Your Man. You probably already noticed - like, yesterday, you were so pleasantly surprised when I showed up in The Hottest Budget Lingerie Pieces to Please Your Man while you and your buddies were watching the big game in the living room. That added some zest, alright! You didn't talk to me all night, tiger! I wasn't mad though, because I knew then that you'd read the Cosmo Pullout for Your Man to Read that I'd left for you on your nightstand. It clearly stated that " playing it cool is a good way to drive your girl wild !" It totally did!
I love you so much.
Where do the petals lead? To a Steamy Drawn Bath and other Fun Ways to Please Your Man! I'll let you get in and I'll hop in in a second. I've got to put a topcoat on my Fun, Fall Nailpolish Colors That'll Please Your Man!
Is any of this working?
Lara, lookin; good in skintight latex - a true indepedent woman!
Talk to you? About what? Listen, I didn't spend $200 to get these New Extreme Hair Highlights That'll Please Your Man to sit here and talk about stupid stuff. Now, just relax and let me work on Finding the G Spot That'll Please Your Man!
What do you mean you don't know the real me? I'm showing you the real me! I am doing everything right! I KNOW I am! I know the 25 Secrets Men Keep That You Should Know to Please Your Man! Huh? Everything I'm saying is like propelled vomit of nothingness pouring out of my mouth? You know what? I deserve better!
I know exactly what kind of man I deserve! I took the Cosmo Find Your Type Quiz and I’m looking for a “Tall, Dark and Funny” guy, examples of which include Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell and Luke Wilson! Obviously, that’s not at all you. You don’t look like any of them and you don’t even own the movie “Old School.” You’re so stupid.
I don't understand. If it's in print, it must be right.
It’s time for me to take a step back and get to know me. I'm going to do a cleansing mud mask, an exfoliating scrub, a long bubble bath with my favorite mix CD to reconnect with me, then I'll have a girl's night out and rent 5 Movies to Forget Your Man, and then I'll try 10 new lunge squats to firm my calves and glutes, a new antioxidant-enriched fruit smoothie I can make at home, spray my bed sheets with my favorite perfume, and then become a highly-paid lawyer and independent woman. And I won't need you!
You have a thing or two to learn about female empowerment, sir. A strong woman doesn’t NEED a man. In fact, there’s an entire 3-page spread about Creating a Strong Independent Female Aura right after the section about Pumping Up Your Cleavage to Please Your Man. As long as I am comfortable with who I am inside as according to this magazine, I don’t care what you or the world sees! I'm every woman!
Wait, where are you going? I can’t be alone on Christmas!
after the bar, if you go to a girl's place for a 1-nighter and you see a cosmo magazine on her coffee table*... turn around, and leave. it's worth the DUI. if you make it to the bed room and give her the best 5 minutes of her life and sneak into the bathroom to clean up (using her shower towel - a personal favorite of mine), and you see the cosmo magazine.. leave. immediately. because:
a) she takes dumps b) the magazine.
funny stuff molly, being subjected to these titles in the checkout line is bad enough - i'm glad i don't have to put up with it also.
*as a dude, if you know what a coffee table is, you are either married or going home with another dude.
Balls
Why all the lists?
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 10:03:44 AM
Us men just aren't that complicated. Give us some ass, give head and look like you enjoy it, don't tell us we've had too much to drink, leave us alone if we're watching a game, and for the love of Satan...just tell us what you want for Christmas/birthday. Don't make us guess. If I tell you I want some Jimi Hendrixx CDs and a Ron Artest jersey then god damnit get me some Jimi Hendrixx CDs and a Ron Artest jersey! If you show up with a sweater or an engraved picture frameI swear to God I will donkey punch you unconscious.
Deuce-"it's worth the DUI" nice
Pat
excellent
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 12:14:32 PM
Fuck magazine quizzes. Why are chicks so addicted to them? Can't you all read about the Iraq war or Burmese junta instead? I guess Aung San Suu Kyi isn't "fabulous" enough.
some a-hole
nice
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 1:41:44 PM
good work molly, and fantastic commentary Deuce and Balls
Christine
This
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 1:55:02 PM
Is my new favorite article. This is so perfect. Great job Molly, you really nailed. My roommate buys the new Cozmo every month and she is exactly like the girl you described. I am freaked out. She makes me do the quizzes with her and I always fail. Well, not that you can fail, but I'm always the one that needs the most "fixing". its a god awful magazine. Wow. I really can't get over how great this article is.
Deuce-HA! I purposely have a rule against any reading material in the bathroom because I don't poop and I would never want anyone to think i do.
Balls, I totally agree with your comment. Guys do not respond to any of the complicated things girls do for them. And girls get mad when you don't notice the highlights or new earrings. WHY?? Guys don't pay attention to anything, why is it surprising? I agree, Just do them and blow them and tell them what you want in return. that will make things so easy and fun. Most girls get all dressed up to impress other girls, that is all who notice. Molly would notice my Coach clutch, but a guy wouldn't even know if you had a purse or not. This is not a bad thing, but yet, its constantly a problem for couples. I just pity girls who put so much effort in trying to mold themselves into what they think will "win him over" and they miss out on enjoying all the good stuff.
However, asking for a sports Jersey is not cool. Wearing jerseys are pretty dorky.
Sorry for the novel. I felt strongly about the subject matter. Again, great job Molly!
Balls
What if?
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 2:01:23 PM
What if I told you I only wear the jersey when we're doing it?
Christine
Nope
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 2:32:12 PM
No dice. in fact, that might be worse.
deuce
jersey on game day
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 2:42:19 PM
is a must. mrs. deuce always does me a solid by keeping them clean. she knows i will wear them anyway.. might as well not stink up the joint.
Burt Thaxton
Fucking Brilliant
()
Post #: 9
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 2:45:37 PM
This was great. Fucking 5!
Burt Thaxton
Christine
Oh Sure
()
Post #: 10
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 12/1/2006 2:48:15 PM
If that is your team of choice and you are watching the game in your living room, then it is ok. Showing up at a bar with a jersey on is never ever acceptable, unless you are on an actually team and it is a jersey with your name on it and you just got done playing and your team won and you stopped in the bar for a celebratory drink. that's it.
"Mrs Deuce"! God she would probably throw up right now if she knew you went by that, let alone making her share the same last name.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
