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Mark got this pic taken at Wal-Mart and gave me one to carry in my wallet.
Day 1 I am beyond excited about my new summer job! Stupidass Jason Creely may have the Jets Football Camp, but I'm like, working for the oldest profession! The government! My dad said I can make a real difference and get the goddamn taxes lowered on his goddamn cigarettes already.
So far my duties have included following my boss Mark around and sorting a lot of papers. I get an email address, though, which is pretty rad! I sent Jason Creely an email from cnorris@gov.org and told him to eat a dick!
DAY 3 So things are still pretty cool here "on the mound" or whatever they call it. I have a few more duties. Mostly running errands and stuff for Mark, who, unlike the other Congressmen, has me call him by his first name. He's cool though, like that guy on the show where the guy lives with two girls but isn't dating them and their landlord has a funny voice? He reminds me of that guy. Mark gave me this great leather bag thing with my initials engraved on the side to carry all my papers and the new iPod he bought me. He says he believes in me, which is cool. Jason Creely doesn't have an iPod, I mean, I'm pretty sure he doesn't.
DAY 10 My job is so awesome! Mark has made Tuesdays "skip day" and we got ice cream and played video games. So cool! He's really good at Pinball. I think Pinball is kind of an old people game, but whatever. I showed him how to play skee-ball and he just couldn't get it! LOL!! He had me actually get behind him and hold his arm until he got one in! When he finally did and goes, "We're pretty at getting it in, aren't we?" and I go, "Yeah, lets get pizza!" and then we got pizza and he raped me.
DAY 20 You will never believe where I am right now! I'm on a BOAT! Like, a yacht thing. Mark borrowed it from his friend Mr. Hastert and we're cruising to Atlantic City. Mark got me a fake ID so I can totally gamble! Jason Creely is probably doing stupid sit-ups right now and I'm on a boat! Mark has his shirt off and he is soooooo pale! He looks retarded.
Stupid Jason Creely doesn't know what a real man is.
Mark and I have been dating and it's cool. He buys me things and I let him have sex on me and he totally got me a PS2! It's weird because it feels wrong, but according to all these videos he has, it's right. It's so funny because on TV you don't really get to see real sex and I always thought guys got on top of girls and like, moved up and down a lot. But apparently, real sex is where an old man gets on top of a boy and goes up and down while looking a picture of President Bush. I don't know, it's cool.
DAY 31 Aw, man, I'm almost done with my page job. I'm having so much fun and getting all this cool stuff! Did I tell you I got a car? And a MacBook! And I'm the new head of Agriculture in Southeastern Connecticut! So cool! Mark is sad about me leaving. I don't know, I'm kind of sad too, I guess. My ass kind of hurts.
I get to keep my email address, which is nice. Mark sends me a ton of funny pictures of him naked in different parts of the White House and other monuments. It's so hilarious! There's this one where he's like, showing his balls right outside of a big AIDS fundraiser going on! They totally couldn't see him and he was right out there in the hall!! He accidentally sent that one to everyone on the House Yahoo Group, but he said it was cool and they all already had that picture.
It's slow-going, but I'm getting back in the dating scene.
DAY 40 Well, it's all over. I'm back in stupid school and stupid Jason Creely is being a dick because he met some Jets players. I was all like, I had real sex with important Congresspeople and he was all like, oh yeah, well I had real sex with stupid Jets players. So whatever. Yeah, well, Mark totally still emails me and it's not like he's having sex with other boys, he totally isn't. He said I was his first. It's not like those Jets players aren't having sex with like, everyone. Jason Creely isn't even special and he for sure does not have an iPod.
Amanda Leo asked me to Homecoming and we went for pizza on Tuesday. It was cool. I showed her how to have sex and she thought it was weird and she didn't like looking at President Bush, but I showed her some videos and she was like, "oh." I don't know, it was cool. I kind of miss Mark. I mean, when Amanda and I were done, she didn't give me anything. She's a whore.
So my dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up and I said a Jets player.
This article was pretty damn good. "and then we got pizza and he raped me." Come on, THAT was fucking funny.
deuce
hold up..
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Post #: 5
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Posted: 10/17/2006 9:39:24 AM
"let him have sex on me.." was pretty funny.
(i forgot you were hot.)
antony
welll....
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Post #: 6
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Posted: 10/17/2006 10:12:58 AM
it was kinda funny, and kinda not... i give it a 5 because the picture beside your writers profile is hot.
f g
hilarious
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Post #: 7
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Posted: 10/17/2006 10:24:14 AM
real sex. i liked it a lot. i thought it was funny before i was prompted to look at your photo. now, i'm just confused. hot girl can not equal funny. something's got to give.
Gerry Studds
Busch League
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Posted: 10/17/2006 10:38:17 AM
Mark Foley is a pussy. I actually fucked a minor and was only censured. Foley talks the talk, I walk the walk.
Eugene
This was not good
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Post #: 9
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Posted: 10/17/2006 11:42:41 AM
Although I do agree with Tom that one line "we got pizza and he raped me" was funny.
Also, "I was all like, I had real sex with important Congresspeople and he was all like, oh yeah, well I had real sex with stupid Jets players."
That was ok.
Otherwise, this was a very weak, humorless piece.
Grade: C
A generous grade from a generous man.
Christine
Well
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 10/17/2006 11:55:06 AM
I thought it was pretty funny. i liked, "he's soooo pale, he looks retarded"
Also, not to burst anyone's vision of your hotness, but whilst you have a fabulous torso and pelvic area, your face is completely hidden. were you burned or anything? I know that if I don't wax my eyebrows every week, I feel like matting my hair to my face too.
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