Ten hut, you lazy cock sucking maggots! A funny thing happened on the way to the K-Mart to pick up a box of shells for my Remington .332 shotgun. I felt a queasy feeling in the pit of my belly that I hadn’t experienced since the last time I had a meal in a Bagladeshi holding cell. You know that kind of gassy feeling that can only be alleviated with a shart that'll send you out for a new pack of Fruit of the Loom?
I was pretty sure it wasn't something I had eaten. It had been days since I binged on that pot of eight-pepper venison chili, and I had already paid that firey toll. Then I remembered that I had just finished going over the fall schedule of network programs. Mystery solved.
I certainly wasn’t expecting to be blown away, but I was hoping for a few more highlights than just Jason Lee trying to right his karma. It is a sad state of affairs when NBC is relying on back-to-back nights of "The Apprentice" to bring them back from last year’s fourth-place finish. And since when is a bunch of highly educated fame whores jumping through hoops for the biggest jackass in America “reality”? You want reality? Take a camera to the trailer park to see how many jars of miracle whip are in the fridges and how many women have black eyes. Now that shit is real.
Anyway, fuck TV. We don’t have to deal with that shit for at least a few more weeks. I still have three more barbecues and a dose of the "MTV Video Music Awards" in me before I have to ingest some belly-turning network bullshit. After that Michael Bay shit sandwich I ingested a couple weeks ago, I am almost looking forward to it. Almost.
On to the reviews!
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Didn’t Matt Damon win an Academy Award once? Oh wait. That was for writing a movie that Kevin Smith ghost wrote for him. So why exactly was I kind of interested in seeing this blonde midget’s movie? I can tell you it wasn’t because Damon was on the cover of US Weekly. I could give a hairy ballsac in bag of Jell-o about his fucking Q rating. And, it certainly wasn’t because the poor man’s Russell Crowe, Heath Ledger, was in it.
No, the only reason I wanted to see this movie is because ever since a little film called Brazil I have been a huge fan of Terry Gilliam. Between that movie, 12 Monkeys, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Gilliam is responsible for some great movies…and he’s totally insane, which is always a bonus. Tim Burton might not know it, but Terry Gilliam is his fucking hero.
So why in the unholy skull-fuck did Gilliam sign up to do what is essentially Van Helsing II? The VA field surgeon, who I force fed enough mescaline to kill a battalion and made dig a bullet out of my left Rhombiodeus muscle, made better cuts with a shard of his buddy's femur and the hot barrel of my M-60 to his head. This movie was edited worse than a Gwen Stefani video, and it has special effects that feel like they were ripped from the first Grand Theft Auto (the overhead scroller).
The story itself is a fictionalized tale of the Brothers Grimm romping from town to town debunking and defeating their own fairy tale monsters, but then they happen upon some real mysterious shit happening. Whoopteefuckingdo! What follows is a bunch of boring characters with worse accents than Don Cheadle’s in Ocean’s Twelve getting chased around by some nerd’s CAD drawings.
Let’s just hope that if this movie make piles of money, it allows Terry Gilliam to go back to good movies, and if it bombs, that Gilliam goes back to working on The Man Who Killed Don Quixote so I can remember him as the guy who made Brazil and not another SFX hack.
Thank God someone woke me up in time to see that chick get eaten. That was awesome! It was not a coincidence that this movie was thrown into the theater at the end of the summer. It's there just in case you’ve already seen all the other stupid blockbusters, and are dating some whore who is too stupid to understand movies with words.
There is nothing especially good or bad about this flick. It is a straight-up popcorn movie that does everything that it is supposed to do. It’s basically Pitch Black crossed with Species, Leviathan and Night of the Living Dead. And it of course takes place in a cave. Gotta love spelunkers, or at least the word "spelunker".
Basically, a bunch of spelunkers go into a hole in the ground, swim around, get trapped, and weird suspenseful shit starts happening involving some kind of mutated or alien creature. It stars Cole “Who” Hauser, Morris “RIIIIIICKY!” Chesnut, the guy who stars in every Black romantic comedy that Jamie Fox turns down, the Korean guy from “Lost”, and the destitute man’s Jennifer Garner, Piper Perabo from Coyote Ugly. Damn, that’s a star-studded cast. You might recognize some of their faces, but I’d be willing to bet a full clip at the shooting range that you won’t remember their names by the time you finish reading this review.
If you have already seen everything else available (and I’m even including that fucking Penguin movie), and you don’t mind spending 20 bucks for three kernels of popcorn and a seat in a room that is about four degrees above freezing, then this is the flick for you. But so is a bullet in the head.
This movie was released for one reason and one reason only… to remind us that despite Wedding Crashers and 40-Year-Old Virgin, Hollywood still doesn’t get comedy.
How in the fuck are you gonna have a movie that is all about going through ten dirty dares and make it PG-13? This movie ends up feeling more like an episode of “My Super Sweet 16” on MTV than a raunchy teen comedy. I’m here to tell you that wish fulfillment for a teenager is not watching other teenagers do the same shit they do every day. It is watching some older guys do the shit that the teenagers wish they could do, like have a job that let’s them buy all the reefer they want, or fuck girls with fully developed boobs.
Though, I must admit Lacey Chabert has come a long damn way since being the squeaky-voiced little sister on “Party Of Five”. In fact, she may have even passed her mentor Jennifer Loves Hugetitts on the hotness meter. But, like her mentor, her hotness is irrelevant because the camera doesn’t ever show any of the naughty bits. And speaking of naughty bits, the only funny thing in this movie is the main character squirting a load up in a loaf of Home Pride.
That’s right, he fucks some bread. Now that you’ve heard the funniest thing in this movie, you don’t need to see it.
So you thought Gymkata was a great movie? You’ve seen Evil Dead 75 times? You take rice, a newspaper and and a squirt gun to Rocky Horror every Saturday night? Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t know shit about cult classics until you have witnessed the power of Barbarians.
Fuck all the sword-and-sandals bullshit like that one with that hot chick with the hairlip Orlando Bloom, or that other one where Colin Ferrell acts like he wants to have his ass blocked by Jared Leto. Those movies are about as fun as using hominy grits as saline solution. But, how bout taking two muscle bound twins from Brooklyn that have the combined IQ of a cantaloupe, and putting them in a Mad Max meets Conan type Spaghetti-Western-Gladiator-Adventure? Then, you throw in some naked girls (most notably the mocha sweet Eva LaRue), some ridiculous battles, a melted-face villain played perfectly by the hideous Richard Lynch, remove anything that might resemble continuity, and you have the makings of an all-time classic B-movie.
Believe it or not, I actually saw this movie in the theater! I know I’m old and all, but back in my day they didn’t show this kind of stuff on cable, and there was definitely no Netflix. So people used to pay $4.50 to see this shit in the theater. And it was worth it too!
The Barbarian Brothers, Peter and David Paul, were catapulted in to the limelight with more awesome movies like Twin Sitters and a deleted scene in Natural Born Killers. Plus, they did two Coors Light Silver Bullet commercials. Who says good things don’t come to those who wait?
I’ll be Goddamned! I haven’t seen people dance so hard since me and Lt. Smith played “Dance Charlie” for a C-Note a toe back in ’68. Those were good times. I won 42 to 4, by the way. To be fair, Smitty was laughing so hard it’s a fucking miracle he got any.
This “American Idol” rip-off for dancers has to be the dumbest “hit show” of all time. I know it’s summer and there isn’t shit on, but come the fuck on, people. Read a book or something. Or like my man Larry's favorite line from Fight Club, "build a house."
The sun is setting on another summer that you will never get back. So get out there and kill a businessman or something. Just don't waste another second watching a bunch of people who are too stupid to make a living doing anything other than gyrating their bodies to syncopated sounds. I mean seriously, they make those battery-operated flowers with sunglasses for that.
By the way, if you're ever thinking about dancing at the club, just watch ten minutes of this show. You see how ridiculous they look? Now remember that they are professionals. You look one-hundred times more idiotic.
I was expecting this to be a CD-Rom of gonzo reality smut, but I then found out that these guys were fucking Canadians. Nothing makes me angrier than a group of people that I know we could easily defeat in a war holding so much good land. Let’s annex these fuckers already. Wait, delay that order. I’m ordering all my pharmaceuticals from up there, so I guess they can stay for a while.
Needless to say, I was prepared to listen to two songs and call this record a piece of donkey crap like I normally do. Then a funny thing happened… I listened to three songs, and it’s still donkey crap! Bunch of power-pop bullshit from Canada. I’d rather fuck a Bare Naked Lady than ever listen to one of their friends. Someone told me the fifth song on this record is really fucking good, but I’ll never know. I traded this CD to a bum for his 7-Eleven jalapeno taquito.
So I was thinking earlier this week about Halle Berry's tits, which in't uncommon, but it made me realize that I haven't seen them in awhile. While I was carefully examining each of the 122 frames one-by-one, I realized that not ten years ago, I would have been forced to do this on VHS with all the rolling bars and tracking bullshit. So what is the best innovation in entertainment in the last decade? Is it crystal clear frame advance, thanks to DVD?
Good work, soldier Posted: 8/29/2005by: Tom A Definitely looks like the networks' fall line-ups are going to be lame (have to hate The Donald and his crappy show). Some decent stuff on cable, at least.
Here's a vote for TiVo as best innovation in entertainment in last 10 years. Gotta love watching two or three episodes of Rescue Me in a row, on your own time, sans commercials.
[no I don't work for TiVo] Napalm, I got one Posted: 8/26/2005by: sharky What no review for Bill Murrt's latest flick? Whew Posted: 8/26/2005by: Alcatraz Thank god you fixed that Napalm, I was beginning to worry about you. Great stuff this week.
The D-PAd style game controllers are the best invention. Remeber when people used to have to use those 2600 controllers and you'd end up moving your whole upper body just to move left a click in combat. D-Pads make video gaming cool again. Brattattatatttatatatttat! Posted: 8/26/2005by: Napalm About Face! Good work to those who noted that .332 is not a caliber for a remmington shotgun. In fact it should just be 332 which is simply a model number. The period was added by an editor who thought it was supposed to be a caliber, but that editor has since been relieved of the use of his right ear as a result. Now I'll have a nice fresh one to use for the rating scale next week.
I finally listened to track four from the New Pornographers... still sucks the fluffy dingleberries from my unwiped ass.
And on second thought satelite phone is the best invention in entertainment in the past ten years, because now I can have phone sex when I'm stuck in some jungle in Africa for two weeks at a time.
Is that all you fuckers got for me? 7-11 Posted: 8/26/2005by: MFK Here here on the Pornographers.... I'd rather have that third [free] taquito stuck sideways into my brown eye than listen to that fucking thing again. By the way, Chilly, how about you just enjoy the godamn article for what it is (funny) and not nit-pick about immaterial details.... Dont you have some fucking coffee to brew or TPS reports to fill out instead?
And of course, great article (as always), Napalm. to your mamma Posted: 8/26/2005by: deuce before you call someone out on checking their facts (esp. Napalm) do a little research of your own. for fucks sake, a 3 year old down's patient knows how to use "google"
nice in Chilly. Shotgun Posted: 8/26/2005by: Chilly The Remington 332 is an over-under 12 Gauge. Napalm Posted: 8/26/2005by: matt Good reviews, I was going to listen to that shitty Canuck album, maybe I will just g to song 5. Yeah I git nothing to do.
Best inovation, DVD allows differnt camera angles, which works inpron flicks when you are sick of the ball cam. Now the viewer gets to choose. .332 Posted: 8/26/2005by: Andy Where did .332 come from? I've never even heard of that calibur in a rifle. Best Inovation Posted: 8/26/2005by: Oh yeah Using the internet to get things for free i.e porn, music, movies. I mean is there anything better than porn on demand for FREE.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Didn’t Matt Damon win an Academy Award once? Oh wait. That was for writing a movie that Kevin Smith ghost wrote for him. So why exactly was I kind of interested in seeing this blonde midget’s movie? I can tell you it wasn’t because Damon was on the cover of US Weekly. I could give a hairy ballsac in bag of Jell-o about his fucking Q rating. And, it certainly wasn’t because the poor man’s Russell Crowe, Heath Ledger, was in it. 
Thank God someone woke me up in time to see that chick get eaten. That was awesome! It was not a coincidence that this movie was thrown into the theater at the end of the summer. It's there just in case you’ve already seen all the other stupid blockbusters, and are dating some whore who is too stupid to understand movies with words.
This movie was released for one reason and one reason only… to remind us that despite Wedding Crashers and 40-Year-Old Virgin, Hollywood still doesn’t get comedy.
So you thought Gymkata was a great movie? You’ve seen Evil Dead 75 times? You take rice, a newspaper and and a squirt gun to Rocky Horror every Saturday night? Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t know shit about cult classics until you have witnessed the power of Barbarians.
I’ll be Goddamned! I haven’t seen people dance so hard since me and Lt. Smith played “Dance Charlie” for a C-Note a toe back in ’68. Those were good times. I won 42 to 4, by the way. To be fair, Smitty was laughing so hard it’s a fucking miracle he got any.
I was expecting this to be a CD-Rom of gonzo reality smut, but I then found out that these guys were fucking Canadians. Nothing makes me angrier than a group of people that I know we could easily defeat in a war holding so much good land. Let’s annex these fuckers already. Wait, delay that order. I’m ordering all my pharmaceuticals from up there, so I guess they can stay for a while.
