Once again back is the incredible, rhyme animal, the uncannable The what? Does that mean you cant put him in a fucking can? Of course you cant put him in a can. Chuck D. is a badass six-foot tall militant black man. Who the fuck would try to put him in a can? Or did he say, Uncannibal. Like he wouldnt eat another human. I mean Public Enemy was pretty ferocious back in the day, but it goes without saying that Chuck would most likely not eat a person unless he was on some soccer team that crashed on a snowy mountaintop.
Regardless, Ive been getting pumped up for ops by listening to Public Enemy for almost two decades now, but that fucking lyric almost got me killed last week in Paraguay. I got hung up in some razor wire trying to figure out just what the fuck mister D was trying to tell me with that lyric. It'd be different if Flav had said it. I know what coal is, and I certainly know what a lamp is- in fact I even love Cole Porter, but to this day I have no earthly fucking clue what a cole lampin is. Ive heard some unfamiliar slang before, but usually I can extrapolate the connotation based on the context it is used in. I mean, I had no clue what indo was, but when you hear Snoop Dogg sing Rolling down the street, smoking indo, sippin on gin and juice. I gather that he is talking about some form of reefer. But when Flav says, Im lampin Im lampin Im cole we cole lampin. I got loowies boy um not trampin, I have no fucking idea what planet Im on. If Flava Flav had said uncannable I would have just dismissed it as more of Flavs Elfish tongue known as Crackish. But when Chuck says it, I gotta wonder if he was once a clock a rokka himself.
Oh, maybe he said incredible. Forget all that other shit I said if thats the case. But then thats just like Mike D rhyming "commercial" with "commercial". Fuck it. TEN HUT! On to the reviews.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Who the fuck wants to see this? I mean its basically a chick flick/love story, except chicks wont want to see it because its really all about cowboys, except manly men wont want to see it because it has ass sex, and not the Taylor Hayes kind, we're talking about the Tag Eriksson kind. So whos left watching, Mario Cantone and George Takei? I know youve heard me reference this movie several times because of the rave reviews it got at the film festivals earlier this year, but youll get no such review from me. I dont care how good Gyllenhal was in Jarhead, the moment these two sheep-herding cowboys decide to curl up inside each others cheeks on the side of good ole Brokeback Mountain, youve lost me. Dont get me wrong. Its not just some kind of homophobia. The whole thing just aint for me. First off, watching two men rustle sheep is not exactly what you would call exciting. Secondly the believability factor just isnt there. Even a queer dude probably would have fucked the sheep first unless he already knew his buddy was an ass pirate. Which is not the case in this film. And then it unwinds into an episodic tale of these guys trying to have their regular lives with wives and kids and trying keep their secret ancient Greek (read gay) friendship together on occasion. I would rather sit at my computer and build a sim into a room with no door so I can slowly watch my soulless avatar die. This movie is totally gay, as in boring, pointless, uninteresting and yes, homosexual too.
Its no 40-year-old Virgin, but its got it moments. Hysterical references to The Notebook and a kitschy homage to LA slicksters, suburbia and John Hughes all rolled into phenomenal performances by the endlessly likable cast of Ryan Van Wilder Reynolds, Amy thank god her tits were in that shitty Road Trip Smart, Anna I need another Scary Movie Farris, and Chris I thought I was gonna be a star Klein certainly make this movie a decent watch for any fan of light teen comedy. There are, however two problems, by the end of this whip-fast 90 minute laugher you really could care less if the reformed fat boy ever gets out of the platonic friend position and gets into Miss Smartys pants. The other problem is that damn movie poster. From reading the previous review you will probably know that I am a straight man, but that doesnt make me an idiot. I know the chicks love some Ryan Reynolds. In fact, the only gasps I heard during the Amityville Horror remake were the chicks gasping for air when Ryan Reynolds took his fucking shirt off. So if your movie stars a guy that gets a Johnny Depp-like reaction from the ladies, why in the holy shit fuck would you put him in a piss poor fat suit for the movie poster? The whole poster looks like an add for one of those SNL sketches that make you want to throw your TV out a window and boycott using lights in an attempt to put GE belly-up. Just retarded. So ladies, dont ever say Napalm doesnt do something for you, because Im here to assure you that he only spends the first portion of the movie in the fat suit, which is the setup for him getting cock-blocked into the friend zone. Very shortly thereafter he morphs back into Superhunkman and pours on his usual likeable charm. I am also happy they slapped a PG-13 on this movie. An R wouldve have gotten my hopes up to see Amy Smart get folded into a naked girl pretzel, which I can also tell you does not happen. Sorry guys, you may wanna catch Bikini Cavegirl, or Spiderbabe on Skinamax this week if thats what youre looking for. I know I will.
In the not-so-distant past this was a four severed ear kind of show. I mean you had spy shit, chicks fighting, DaVinci Code-like mysticism, Lawrence Fishburnes wife. Who could ask for anything more from a campy network drama?But after all the agency switches from SD-6 to CIA to Alliance to APO and the endless amount of highly organized over financed bad guy agencies with former CIA or KGB ties, I think they lost site of the fact that all covert operations, good or bad, are really just supposed to be about getting the next Rambaldi trinket or an excuse for another skin tight cocktail dress and a brightly colored wig. Too bad the shows man-faced star Jennifer Garner decided it was time to squirt another Affleck into the world. Its not that she wasnt hot for those first couple of seasons. That Superbowl episode with the lingerie on the airplane was the stuff of legend. But, after she got knocked up, they could no longer use her muscular, yet ever so slightly feminine frame on camera, and her face looks like the before side of a Carnie Wilson poster. And then to top off the fact that the shows star is now about as hot as Rosie ODonnell in a g-string, they also took away any dramatic elements that loyal fans from the past would have clung to when they killed off the monotone Vaughn. No more female James Bond in a Vera Wang or her pensive boyfriend. You think the man who destroyed the Jack Ryan franchise had him shit canned for being his girls ex? Hmmn.
This should come as no shock to anyone. "Alias" has been canceled! This is what happens when you kill off the characters people like, turn the star into a giant turnip, and end a season with a giant CG ball of toxic red water that looks about as good as the graphics in the first "Leisure Suit Larry", and turn a city full of Russians and Sydneys cute little sister into fucking zombies. I feel bad for Balthazar Getty and for the new hot chick (not the buck-toothed French chick, the blonde one) for being flown into this sinking ship moments before it goes under. This week was supposed to be the episode that really launched her into Garner shoes so she could go have the baby. They are even bringing back the smarmy Sark character. But no one cares; the fate of "Alias" has been sealed. Not even one of Marshalls lipstick safe cracking decoders can save Sydney this time. Maybe now the shows creator can jump ship himself and head for the shores of Hawaii, where his other little show named "Lost" could certainly use his help. My suggestion, however, would be not to retool that show five times like "Alias". If anyone on that island wakes up five years later or says it was all just a dream or starts being a double agent for The Others and then a triple agent for the Dharma Initiative, I will personally fly to Hawaii and line that little island with claymores, jumping jacks and assorted caltrops on local roadways.
Thats just mean. How can the worlds hottest belly dancer name a record Oral Fixation and not expect me to jizz all over myself right in the middle of the fucking Wal-Mart. On Black Friday to boot. I got my lazy ass up at 0500 just so I could get a digital camera and a shoddy MP3 player for 29.99 each, but I missed out on the latter when I saw this album sitting on an endcap next to a giant standee of Shakira with her lightly glistening lips poised ever so delicately ajar and her midriff hovering just above a pair of jeans that absolutely dictate the need for the kind of pubic baldness that men adore from their Latin pop starlets. I asked myself why I had never caught Volume 1 with a name like that, and at the bottom of the endcap lay my answer. The first one was actually called Fijacion Oral Vol. 1. My Mexican aint so good, so I had no idea what the hell that meant. Plus that record isnt in English so it didnt get much publicity over here. The good news is this album is totally in American except for a few phrases in Frog. Plus, not only do you get a couple of pictures of Shakira, but she has shed what remaining bits of the good Catholic girl image she tried to imbue during her first run in the states along with most of her clothing. With hips like that, thank God. When she says she wants to be the owner of her mans zipper, I can only think to reply, Fuck yeah, that wide! So I bought two copies, which is a good thing considering I immediately went to the parking lot, opened one up with the M-9 bayonet off of the pre-ban AR-15 sitting on the gun rack in my pickup, and proceeded to blow my tadpoles all over the album jacket. Then I put the disc in the player and listened to a couple of the tracks. Its a little sappy in spots but with an interesting mix of Rock, Pop, Electronica, Gregorian chants, and breakbeats it held my interest even after spending my milky currency. So for a cheesy pop record, not bad. Might have something to do with that Rick Rubin executive producer credit I think I saw in the liner notes.
Later that night Shrapnel Smith and Johnny Gunkisser help me run an op to procure that life-size standee of Shakira as well. Sadly, it is already ruined from all the moisture damage caused by the three-man toss off we had on her in the back alley. But at least I can say I made Shakira taste my swimmers in a dark alley now.
I recently read Fast Food nation which honestly only made me hungry, but it lead to an ongoing debate between Shrapnel and myself. Whos got the best French Fries. Shrap says McDonalds hand down, but I am personally torn between Rallys and the surprisingly delicious crinkle fries at Del Taco. Whats your favorite? Also with the cancellation of "Alias" what other shows right now do you think have run their course and should be canceled as well? If you say "The Price Is Right" I will hunt you down and shank you with a spork.
Animal's in the house Posted: 12/5/2005by: Jus The secret In N Out Menu which allows you to order things animal style or protein style or 4x4 style is the key. In N Out fries are awesome... for about 20 seconds. Then they morph back into their uncooked potato form. The only way to keep this from happening is with either tons of ketchup or having them smothered Animal Style which consists of gobs of special sauce, relish and grilled onions. Very good, but the need for something extra disqualifies them in my book. Thusly I'm gonna have to go with the guy who said Arby's Curly fries. I will eat those muthafuckers cold three days later. Truly a sign of good fries.
They gotta cancel Nightline. Now that Ted Koppel has quit what is the fucking point. All his viewers will be dead in two or three weeks anyway, so why not let Kimmel have a shot at the real timeslot? IN N OUT Posted: 12/4/2005by: Taylor In n out is the best company by far in this world, there fries are great, try them light, or well done for variation, or even animal style, but dont bash them just buy them oh Posted: 12/4/2005by: c and are you really going to say Chuck D can't once in a while repeat a word to fudge a rhyme? I think he's earned that right. Did you really want to know? Posted: 12/4/2005by: c Lampin' is 80s slang for "chilin". Was in wide use out here on the West Coast for several years before Flav busted it. Not sure of the etymological roots; I rember opining in high school that it referred to a pimp hanging out under a lamppost, but that seems like a stretch.
And it's not "coal" or "cole" but Col' as in short for "Cold".
In other words, "col' lampin'" is ... cold chilling ... which is very, very cool.
Del Taco! Posted: 12/4/2005by: Justin P Del Taco is pretty much phenomenal in general, but it's those fries that really drive the point home. No question about it. Burger King's extra crispy crack fries would be a distant second on my list...there's something in them, I swear it... ig'nant Posted: 12/4/2005by: since chuck does say "incredible" again the second time. as for cole lampin', flav is high. lit like a lamp. cold lampin'. review something worth reviewing next time. I'm with Jesse Posted: 12/3/2005by: Dave Amiott The fries at Dairy Queen brazier are terrific. Back in college I'd walk through a mile-and-a-half of North Country snow to get a chicken strips basket with extra fries. How about? Posted: 12/2/2005by: Commie Fag Maybe Alias should be replaced by The Price is Right?
That's good TV. easy answers Posted: 12/2/2005by: kayvon As with all foods, the best are the ones that will kill you fastest. In the case of the deep-fried potato, that's unquestionably Arby's curly fries. On to more important issues...
Although about 90% of prime-time tv should be axed and buggered with a dead cat (I'm looking at you, Every Show on CBS, NBC, & ABC), I'd love to see the Simpsons euthanized. I don't know if this show has run a consistently funny episode this century. The show reminds me of a best friend, after serving either an extended bid in State or a couple tours in Iraq. Yeah, no one wants to cut him out or anything but every time you hang out it's just so friggin unbearably depressing. If Jerry Rice could finally find the sense to retire with a shred of dignity, why can't the Simpsons?
And why in the shit is Arrested Development being cancelled again? Why can't FOX do a single fucking thing right, other than bringing back Family Guy which should NEVER have been cancelled in the first place? Argh! STEVE Posted: 12/2/2005by: matt I know you asked Napalm but if hit up Hermosa (in LA) the strand there is pretty hopping on weekends, and so are the girls. Or could try your luck on Sunset but bring a lot of bills and be ready for the doorman that judge you like you are monkey w/ a bannana up your ass.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Who the fuck wants to see this? I mean its basically a chick flick/love story, except chicks wont want to see it because its really all about cowboys, except manly men wont want to see it because it has ass sex, and not the Taylor Hayes kind, we're talking about the Tag Eriksson kind. So whos left watching, Mario Cantone and George Takei? I know youve heard me reference this movie several times because of the rave reviews it got at the film festivals earlier this year, but youll get no such review from me. I dont care how good Gyllenhal was in Jarhead, the moment these two sheep-herding cowboys decide to curl up inside each others cheeks on the side of good ole Brokeback Mountain, youve lost me. Dont get me wrong. Its not just some kind of homophobia. The whole thing just aint for me. First off, watching two men rustle sheep is not exactly what you would call exciting. Secondly the believability factor just isnt there. Even a queer dude probably would have fucked the sheep first unless he already knew his buddy was an ass pirate. Which is not the case in this film. And then it unwinds into an episodic tale of these guys trying to have their regular lives with wives and kids and trying keep their secret ancient Greek (read gay) friendship together on occasion. I would rather sit at my computer and build a sim into a room with no door so I can slowly watch my soulless avatar die. This movie is totally gay, as in boring, pointless, uninteresting and yes, homosexual too.
Its no 40-year-old Virgin, but its got it moments. Hysterical references to The Notebook and a kitschy homage to LA slicksters, suburbia and John Hughes all rolled into phenomenal performances by the endlessly likable cast of Ryan Van Wilder Reynolds, Amy thank god her tits were in that shitty Road Trip Smart, Anna I need another Scary Movie Farris, and Chris I thought I was gonna be a star Klein certainly make this movie a decent watch for any fan of light teen comedy. There are, however two problems, by the end of this whip-fast 90 minute laugher you really could care less if the reformed fat boy ever gets out of the platonic friend position and gets into Miss Smartys pants. The other problem is that damn movie poster. From reading the previous review you will probably know that I am a straight man, but that doesnt make me an idiot. I know the chicks love some Ryan Reynolds. In fact, the only gasps I heard during the Amityville Horror remake were the chicks gasping for air when Ryan Reynolds took his fucking shirt off. So if your movie stars a guy that gets a Johnny Depp-like reaction from the ladies, why in the holy shit fuck would you put him in a piss poor fat suit for the movie poster? The whole poster looks like an add for one of those SNL sketches that make you want to throw your TV out a window and boycott using lights in an attempt to put GE belly-up. Just retarded. So ladies, dont ever say Napalm doesnt do something for you, because Im here to assure you that he only spends the first portion of the movie in the fat suit, which is the setup for him getting cock-blocked into the friend zone. Very shortly thereafter he morphs back into Superhunkman and pours on his usual likeable charm. I am also happy they slapped a PG-13 on this movie. An R wouldve have gotten my hopes up to see Amy Smart get folded into a naked girl pretzel, which I can also tell you does not happen. Sorry guys, you may wanna catch Bikini Cavegirl, or Spiderbabe on Skinamax this week if thats what youre looking for. I know I will.
In the not-so-distant past this was a four severed ear kind of show. I mean you had spy shit, chicks fighting, DaVinci Code-like mysticism, Lawrence Fishburnes wife. Who could ask for anything more from a campy network drama?But after all the agency switches from SD-6 to CIA to Alliance to APO and the endless amount of highly organized over financed bad guy agencies with former CIA or KGB ties, I think they lost site of the fact that all covert operations, good or bad, are really just supposed to be about getting the next Rambaldi trinket or an excuse for another skin tight cocktail dress and a brightly colored wig. Too bad the shows man-faced star Jennifer Garner decided it was time to squirt another Affleck into the world. Its not that she wasnt hot for those first couple of seasons. That Superbowl episode with the lingerie on the airplane was the stuff of legend. But, after she got knocked up, they could no longer use her muscular, yet ever so slightly feminine frame on camera, and her face looks like the before side of a Carnie Wilson poster. And then to top off the fact that the shows star is now about as hot as Rosie ODonnell in a g-string, they also took away any dramatic elements that loyal fans from the past would have clung to when they killed off the monotone Vaughn. No more female James Bond in a Vera Wang or her pensive boyfriend. You think the man who destroyed the Jack Ryan franchise had him shit canned for being his girls ex? Hmmn.
Thats just mean. How can the worlds hottest belly dancer name a record Oral Fixation and not expect me to jizz all over myself right in the middle of the fucking Wal-Mart. On Black Friday to boot. I got my lazy ass up at 0500 just so I could get a digital camera and a shoddy MP3 player for 29.99 each, but I missed out on the latter when I saw this album sitting on an endcap next to a giant standee of Shakira with her lightly glistening lips poised ever so delicately ajar and her midriff hovering just above a pair of jeans that absolutely dictate the need for the kind of pubic baldness that men adore from their Latin pop starlets. I asked myself why I had never caught Volume 1 with a name like that, and at the bottom of the endcap lay my answer. The first one was actually called Fijacion Oral Vol. 1. My Mexican aint so good, so I had no idea what the hell that meant. Plus that record isnt in English so it didnt get much publicity over here. The good news is this album is totally in American except for a few phrases in Frog. Plus, not only do you get a couple of pictures of Shakira, but she has shed what remaining bits of the good Catholic girl image she tried to imbue during her first run in the states along with most of her clothing. With hips like that, thank God. When she says she wants to be the owner of her mans zipper, I can only think to reply, Fuck yeah, that wide! So I bought two copies, which is a good thing considering I immediately went to the parking lot, opened one up with the M-9 bayonet off of the pre-ban AR-15 sitting on the gun rack in my pickup, and proceeded to blow my tadpoles all over the album jacket. Then I put the disc in the player and listened to a couple of the tracks. Its a little sappy in spots but with an interesting mix of Rock, Pop, Electronica, Gregorian chants, and breakbeats it held my interest even after spending my milky currency. So for a cheesy pop record, not bad. Might have something to do with that Rick Rubin executive producer credit I think I saw in the liner notes. 
