I happen to work next door to a Whole Foods Market, which is one of those fruity California grocery stores where everything is overpriced because it is "organic, free range, super-health-charged, protien-enhanced, etc". The rich, self-obsessed and insecure soccer moms out here love that sort of crap. I also eat lunch there almost every day because its close and I'm too lazy to go find something else.
I have recently been enjoying my lunch at the table nearest to the "Customer Suggestion Bulletin Board". This is a place where customers can write out things they like or don't like about the store, then some unseen "Whole Foods Representative" will type out a response to thier query and paste it up on the board.
I recently swiped a few of my favorite suggestions and responses, and I will now share them with you. However, I will also include what my response to these hippies would have been, if I were the Whole Foods Representative (which thankfully I am not).
Suggestion #1 -- Before showing up at your store, I called and asked an employee if there was any Chicken-Shitakke (sic) Mushroom soup left, and he said there was. When I got here, it was gone. This is ridicuoless (sic).
Whole Foods' Response -- We are sorry you were unable to enjoy our delicious soup after you'd been told we were still in stock. This is one of our more popular items and, as a result, it often sells out quicker than we can make it! Be sure to keep checking back.
What I Would Have Said -- Hey, dickwad, did not getting your stupid soup really bother you enough to take the time to write out this retarded comment? Do you know what's REALLY ridiculous? That there are people in the world who eat fucking worms out of the dirt because they are starving and can't afford plain rice, much less the $6.75 for a cup of Whole Foods' delicious Chicken-Shittake soup. If you couldn't get to the store fast enough to get the soup before it was gone, its your own fucking fault. Maybe if you weren't driving that idiotic SUV, you'd be able to navigate through traffic a little faster and you'd get your fucking soup. Also, how do you know the "employee" you talked to had anything to do with the soup? You were probably speaking with Jorge, the underpaid immigrant custodian who has to mop up the puddles of soup you spill/waste because you're a retard.
Suggestion #2 -- Could you please start carrying more soy-based milk alternatives for your hot chocolate selection?
Share Your Half-baked Thoughts
Whole Foods' Response -- While we appreciate this helpful suggestion, we have currently been unable to find what we would consider to be a quality soy-based hot chocolate product. However, we will continue looking, so keep checking back.
What I Would Have Said -- Shut up, hippie. If you can't "handle" regular milk in your hot chocolate, you don't get to drink hot chocolate. I know this sucks, but get some perspective. At least you don't have cancer.
Suggestion #3 -- I wish you had tastier Vegan energy bars to choose from. The Vegan products you do have aren't my favorite, and the majority of the tasty bars are non-Vegan. Please check into this.
Whole Foods' Response -- We are sorry you are not satisfied with our selection of Vegan energy bars. We try to offer our customers the very best products from the most popular vendors, but sometimes people's tastes are different from our own. We will explore other options, but hope you can find helpful selections among our many other Vegan-friendly products.
What I Would Have Said -- You goddamned rich hippies. It's never enough for you people, is it? You can't eat a PowerBar because it contains .05 ounces of milk from some "poor cow whose milk was cruelly stolen from it", so we do you a favor and go find some ridiculous Vegan product to offer as a substitute, even though we know that the market for these products is miniscule, and we probably won't turn a profit. But we want to keep you hippies happy, so we offer the item anyway. And now you don't like how it TASTES? Are you fucking serious, hippie? Since when did you become Zagats Guide to what tastes good? You smell like hot garbage, Sierra Nevada and patchouli. Also, NEWSFLASH: All Vegan products pretty much taste the same -- like 3 year-old compost mixed with lawn clippings and gravel. Maybe if I hold you down and shove raw beef into your mouth, you'll shut the hell up and go back to your drum circle, where you belong.
Suggestion #4 -- I am a customer of your herbal supplements and wish you would stock Mugwort. It is good for illness and also helps psychic abilities.
Whole Foods' Response -- Thank you for your suggestion. Though I am not familiar with this item, I will have our herbal specialist research it, and if it is something we think our customers would find of value, we will begin carrying it.
What I Would Have Said -- Look, moron. I know that your power crystals told you to go see the mystic healer down by the Walgreens, and the healer sent you over to the shaman next to the Burger King, and the shaman advised you to set forth on a spiritual journey across town to the psychic over in the Target parking lot, but I think you're a weak-minded sheep who would drink a warm cup of my piss if New Age Monthly told you it might make you less confused about your miserable life. I'm not carrying your stupid herbs because it won't make you or anyone else psychic. In fact, there's no such thing as psychic. In this world, there's just idiots and the people smart enough to make a few bucks off of them. You fall into the former category, but I'll still sell you my magical secrets to unlocking your true inner potential for $100.
TTBD Posted: 5/17/2005by: Stephen I could not agree more. I got conned into going to one of those the other day and was amazed at what a racket they have. Selling organic chicken breast for like $12 a pound. Thye have everyone fooled and like you point out the rich hippies love it. I call them the "trying to be different" crowd who shops there. The owners of places like this remind me of memebers of boy bands in the sense that you are not proud of what you do but you make a lot of money. ban chris fabian Posted: 5/16/2005by: Jules ban the retard at the bottom for his stupid roe v. wade comment. re-dunk-culous. i like your saucy writing, author mb,kjliouplk Posted: 5/8/2005by: dallin i hate vegans, vegetarians and soccer moms more than anything, go to www.peta-sucks.com, its a good site.
comments Posted: 4/26/2005by: patrick wow..the people who left comments here are bigger nitwits than the Whole Foods Hippy who wants his Mugwort. Pot, meet Kettle Posted: 4/25/2005by: Kate Hey Alex, if you're going to go for the chuckles that come from ridiculing others' spelling mistakes, you may want to make sure that your own spelling is beyond reproach. You may even want to look at your punctuation. And I'll tell you what: since you're so intelligent, I'll let you find your mistakes yourself. I Agree Posted: 4/25/2005by: buzzweiser Whole Foods shoppers are lame hippies!
Sincerely, Rich Traders Joes' Cuscus Buyers Deal with it Posted: 4/21/2005by: Joey Get over it. Maybe some day you will have a job that is not located in a strip mall. Roe v. Wade???!! Posted: 4/21/2005by: ChrisFabianIsAMoron I'm sorry, Roe v. Wade has what to do with this article? Vegan 'Indigo Pigs' fans Posted: 4/21/2005by: Chris Fabian The whole lifestyle of the Whole Food Market Hippie is one of hardcore consumerism coupled with leftist ideology that typically ends in alcohol/drug induced sorrow. Your typical vegan , volvo/prius driving , Kerry sticker on back, High School teacher/Trust Fund baby avoids traditional marriage and commitment and vainly attempts to hide his crypto racism with "world music" and Kenny G CD's ( Clinton dug Kenny G) and has "loving relations" with random hairy armed, 'women' who are "feminists" /sex in the city /Faux prostitutes en route to THEIR become "desperate housewives" with a lot of lipo and a Andrea Dworkin/Melissa ( Yawn) Ethridge/Indigo Pigs collection. If they get pregnant they kill their offspring and justify the act as a Pre-emptive Execution to benefit society. Did legalizing abortion in the early 70s reduce crime in the late 90s by allowing "pre-emptive capital punishment" of potential troublemakers?
Or did the Supreme Court's 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, by outmoding shotgun weddings, adoption, and respect for life, instead make more murderous the early 90s crack wars fought by the first generation of youths to survive legalized abortion?
The theory that legalizing abortion cuts crime is hardly original with Levitt, but it's long been whispered more than printed.
Levitt's hypothesis embarrasses Pro-Choicers, who don't want public discussion of how quite a few people, from crusading eugenicist and Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger onward, have backed fertility control as a way to limit "undesirables." Since blacks undergo about three times as many abortions as whites per capita, white liberals realize that endorsing Levitt's reasoning could be politically disastrous.
Why did the abortion rate and the illegitimacy rate both skyrocket during the Seventies? Isn't abortion supposed to cut illegitimacy?
Roe largely finished off the traditional "shotgun wedding "by persuading the impregnating boyfriend that he had no moral duty to make an honest woman of his girlfriend since she could get an abortion. The CDC noted, "Among women aged 1529 years conceiving a first birth before marriage during 197074, nearly half (49 percent) married before the child was born. By 197579 the proportion marrying before the birth of the child fell to 32 percent, and it has declined to 23 percent in 199094."
The most striking fact about legalized abortion, but also the least discussed, is its pointlessness. Levitt himself notes that following Roe, "Conceptions rose by nearly 30 percent, but births actually fell by 6 percent " So, for every six fetuses aborted in the 1970s, five would never have been conceived except for Roe!
This ratio makes a sick joke out of Levitt's assumption that legalization made a significant difference in how "wanted" children were. (Indeed, perhaps the increase in the number of women who got pregnant figuring they would get an abortion but then were too drunk or drugged or distracted to get to the clinic, meant that the "wantedness" of surviving babies may have declined.)
The sheer waste of it all is staggering. And the impact on the overall morality of our society of this Supreme Court-condoned carelessness over life is incalculable.
Yippie! Posted: 4/20/2005by: new yorker i love that term "Yippie".. now i know what to call myself :-)
