Mid-February really sucks when you're a fellow who writes exclusively about sports.
Think about it. There aint a motherfuckin thing going on right now. Football season is over until August. Pitchers and catchers dont report for another few days, and I wont be able to write a baseball article on this site for another month, because I dont want to put up with a bunch of bleeding-vagina posters whining about how not only do they hate baseball, its not even baseball season yet.
The Winter Olympics? Fuck that. Not only are most of the events illustrations of absurdity , NBCs feminized, Oprah-ized coverage makes it practically impossible for anyone with a set of nuts to sit through an hour of it. Wheres old Jim McKay when you need him?
NHL hockey? Not in this space, son.
NBA basketball? Meh. I tried to perpetrate last year like I cared, but its time to own up and admit that, with the exception of the fortunes of a certain wunderkind wearing #23 and playing in Cleveland, I really dont give a fuck or a good goddamn about the Association. Me writing about the NBA = Bill Simmons writing about college football- a waste of everyones time. So no; no NBA either (although I wont slam the door on writing a piece on the topic at some point in the future, my lack of knowledge be damned).
College basketball? Nope. My knowledge of college hoop has shriveled like a cock at the sight of Kathy Bates's naked tits. I haven't had a clue about the sport since 2002 at the latest. Come Tournament time, I'll be as dumb as the broads in the office pool when I fill out my bracket.
Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't blame the month for the fact that I know dick about anything other than football or baseball. Just a thought.
But it is Black History Month. Ill be damned if I know why we need a Black History Month; the only original culture spawned on the North American continent need not be confined to a single month of the year, and the shortest month at that; but hell, I dont decide these things. And since it is Black History Month (I suppose), Ive decided to put together an All-Time Team on a serious tip: the greatest NFL players to come out of the all-black land-grant colleges of the South. This way I get to write about football and make it timely, even though the Pro Bowl was last week. Everybody wins, except for the suckers who clicked on this article expecting something funny, this being a comedy site and all.
Prior to the integration of the Southern football factories in the early 1970s, the majority of black NFL players came out of tiny rural schools like Grambling, Jackson State, and North Carolina A&T. Considering the diminutive size of these institutions (Mississippi Valley State boasted an undergrad population of 2,500 back when Jerry Rice attended that school in the early 80s), the number of outstanding pro players they produced is remarkable. My own alma mater, Kent State, has roughly four times as many undergrads as Morgan State University. Yet Morgan State has four times as many Pro Football Hall of Fame inductees (four) as Kent (one). The traditional black colleges have carved out a hell of a legacy in the annals of pro football, and its time to honor that legacy, even though this is, admittedly, an awfully strange place in which to do it.
On to the All-Black College Team:
QB- Steve McNair, Alcorn State (1995- )
One of only two active players on this team, McNair is also the only black quarterback to win a piece of the NFLs Most Valuable Player Award, splitting the honor with Peyton Manning in 2003. Big, mobile, and tougher than a dollar steak, McNair was never the greatest pure passer in the league, but his leadership and willingness to play with pain was crucial to the run of success the Titans had in the late 90s and early aughts.
HB- Walter Payton, Jackson State (1975-87)
Im putting together this team partly because it gives me a chance to kiss Walter Paytons ass, what with him being my all-time favorite non-Cleveland player. For an example of why this is, here is an excerpt of the address Payton gave after setting the career rushing record in 1984:
"The motivating factor for me has been the athletes who have tried for the record and failed and those who didn't have an opportunity such as David Overstreet and Joe Delaney and Brian Piccolo. It's a tribute to them and an honor for me to bestow this honor on them."
How fucking classy is that? Sweetness was the man. And his career accomplishments speak for themselves.
HB- Leroy Kelly, Morgan State (1964-73)
All Leroy Kelly had to do was step into the shoes of Jim Brown as Clevelands number-one ball carrier. No pressure there, right? And all Kelly did was lead the NFL in rushing twice, three times breach the 1,000-yards barrier, make it to five Pro Bowls, and get elected to the Hall of Fame. Not bad for a guy who was an eighth-round draft pick in 1964.
WR- Jerry Rice, Mississippi Valley State (1985-2004)
Quite simply, Jerry Rice was the greatest receiver to ever play pro football. And hes one of the few members of this team who was a sensation in college as well, becoming a national phenomenon for a Mississippi Valley State team that in Rices senior year scored 628 points in twelve games, including a record 56 touchdowns through the air (Id be remiss if I didnt give props to Rices college quarterback Willie Totten, who never really got a chance in the pros but was a great college player in his own right).
WR- John Stallworth, Alabama A&M (1974-87)
I had an urge to pick Grambings Charlie Joiner for this spot, and hes certainly deserving- after all, he looks like Louis Gossett Jr., he wore the old-skewl double-bar face mask, and oh by the way, he also caught more passes than damn near anyone else alive. But the cerebral, taciturn Stallworth gets the nod, for being one of the all-time clutch players in league history. He was a one-man wrecking crew in Super Bowls XIII and XIV, catching six passes for 236 yards and three touchdowns in the two games, including scores of 75 and 73 yards.
TE- Shannon Sharpe, Savannah State (1990-2003)
He may be a mush-mouthed disaster as an analyst, but Sharpe was also the most prolific pass-catching tight end in the history of the game. For his career, the former seventh-round pick caught 815 passes for over 10,000 yards and 62 touchdowns. He was also a winner, playing a key role on three World Championship teams in Denver and Baltimore. And despite his, um, problems with articulation, Sharpe produced one of the better smack-talking moments in NFL Films history: "Call the President, call the National Guard, 'cause we are KILLING the Patriots!"
OT- Art Shell, Maryland-Eastern Shore (1968-82)
There was a reason the Oakland Raiders of the 70s liked to run plays to the left, and it wasnt because quarterback Ken Stabler was a southpaw. It was because they had Gene Upshaw and this man, Art Shell, anchoring that side of the line. Not only was Shell an eight-time Pro Bowler and Hall of Fame inductee, he was also the first black man to hold a head coaching position in the NFL.
OG- Larry Little, Bethune-Cookman (1967-80)
Larry Little went from being an undrafted free agent cast-off from the San Diego Chargers, to maybe the top performer on Miamis devastating offensive lines of the 1970s. The sight of big #66 leading the likes of Csonka, Kiick and Mercury Morris on sweeps and traps made many a defensive player decidedly uneasy. Thanks in no small part to Little, the 1972 Dolphins went undefeated and became the first-ever team to boast two 1,000-yard rushers in the same backfield.
C- Junius Coston, North Carolina A&T (2005- )
Next to the kicking specialists, center was the toughest position to fill on this team. Not that there havent been great black centers in the NFL- Dwight Stephenson, Kevin Glover, and Ray Donaldson are just a few examples- there just havent been very many, at all, from the all-black schools. In fact, the only one I can find is Coston, who just finished up his rookie season with the Packers. I hope he turns out to be good, because he's in the presence of some tall timber on this squad.
OG- Herbert Scott, Virginia Union (1975-84)
A 13th-round draft pick of the Cowboys in 1975, Herb Scott went on to start for two Super Bowl teams, including the Dallas team that won it all in 1977. In a ten-year career, the entirety of which was played in Big D, Scott made three Pro Bowls. Thats what youd call a value pick for the Boys, who landed Scott with the 330th selection overall.
OT- Jackie Slater, Jackson State (1976-95)
Jackie Slater, a college teammate of Walter Paytons at Jackson State in the early 70s, is a Zelig-like figure in NFL history. He seemed to play, and excel, for damn near forever. Just to get the point across as to the length of Slaters career, here are some facts about the man:
Played in both Chuck Knox eras as a member of the Rams.
Started his career as a teammate of Merlin Olsons; finished his career as a teammate of Jerome Bettiss.
Drafted in 1976, he finished his career as a member of the St. Louis Rams.
As a rookie in 76, Slater played against Fran Tarkenton; as a twenty-year veteran in 1995, he played against Brett Favre.
He was drafted before the Buccaneers and Seahawks had played their first game; he retired after Carolina and Jacksonvilles first seasons.
Oh by the way, Slater also played in seven Pro Bowls and was elected to the Hall of Fame in 2001. Plus, he knocked Mark Gastineaus block off when the latter did one of his obnoxious sack dances during a Jets-Rams game in 1983, which definitely makes him all right in my book.
DT- Gary Big Hands Johnson, Grambling (1975-85)
Johnson was another member of the draft class of 1975- the last great draft for black college players, one that included among others Walter Payton and Robert Brazile. A four-time Pro Bowler He was maybe the finest member of San Diegos powerful front four of the late 70s and early 80s, a group that included Fred Dean and Louie Kelcher, and later moved on to San Francisco, where he helped the 49ers win the Super Bowl in 1985.
DT- Buck Buchanan, Grambling (1963-75)
The 67 Buchanan was not only too damn big for most offensive linemen; he was too damn fast as well, running a 4.9 in the 40-yard dash. He was the most physically imposing member of the great Kansas City defenses of the late 60s and early 70s, and was elected to the Hall of Fame in 1990, two years prior to his premature death at the age of 51.
DE- Michael Strahan, Texas Southern (1993- )
This was a tough choice. I could have selected Claude Humphrey, L.C. Greenwood, or Elvin Bethea, among others. But I wanted to throw a little new-skewl in here, so Im going with Strahan, the only defensive end Ive ever heard of who pinned three sacks on the guy blocking him (one-time Browns tackle and Kent State grad Steve Zahursky), then expressed remorse for embarrassing his opponent- and was actually serious about it.
DE- Deacon Jones, Mississippi Valley State (1961-74)
There is no other choice here. Deacon Jones invented the term sack, for crying out loud. That alone gets him on the team, the eight Pro Bowls, two consecutive NFL Defensive Player of the Year Awards, and the 1980 Hall of Fame induction notwithstanding. Deacon also made up his own nickname, in a desire to give himself distinction when he arrived in Los Angeles as a 14th-round draft pick and noted with alarm the high number of listings in the L.A. phone book under the name David Jones.
LB- Robert Brazile, Jackson State (1975-84)
Yet another NFL great who attended Jackson State University in the early 70s, Brazile went to seven Pro Bowls as a member of Bum Phillipss Houston Oilers, and won the NFLs Defensive Rookie of the Year award in 1975. They don't talk about him much nowadays, but back in the Disco Era, Brazile was as good as any linebacker in football.
LB- Willie Lanier, Morgan State (1967-77)
Part of the reason the Chiefs were so successful in the late 60s and early 70s was that they did a great job of getting talent out of the black colleges. No fewer than six starters on Kansas Citys 1969 World Champion were black college alumnus. One of them was Lanier, who is in the Hall of Fame but never got the popular acclaim of some of his contemporaries at the middle linebacker spot. He wasnt overtly ferocious or picturesque like Butkus or Lambert. All Willie Lanier did was play great football, for a long time.
LB- Harry Carson, South Carolina State (1976-88)
The craggy-faced Carson was a stalwart for terrible and championship Giants teams alike, and was just elected to the Hall of Fame- a deserving honor for a great player who was overshadowed by Lawrence Taylor for much of his career, yet always seemed to come up huge whenever the Giants needed him most. Carson also deserves further respect (or censure, depending on your point of view) as one of the originators of the practice of dumping Gatorade on a winning coach.
CB- Willie Brown, Grambling (1963-78)
Football fans may best know Willie Brown as the Raider shown running in slo-mo in NFL Films footage, as Raider announcer Bill King yells, Old man Willie! Hes going all the way! But his interception return for a touchdown against the Vikings in Super Bowl XI was by no means Browns only career highlight. In 16 seasons, he played in five AFL All-Star Games and four Pro Bowls, and picked off 56 passes for his career.
CB- Lem Barney, Jackson State (1967-77)
The first of Detroits troika of Roaring 20s (Lion greats who wore that number; the other two were Billy Sims and Barry Sanders), Hall of Famer Barney was not only a great defensive back but also a stellar kick return specialist. He even served as Detroits punter for a couple of seasons in the late 60s.
S- Ken Houston, Prairie View A&M (1967-80)
Houston spent the first part of his career in the city with the same name as his before he moved to Washington and became a part of George Allens Over-the-Hill Gang in the 1970s. Houston was the consummate ball-hawk, scoring 12 career touchdowns on interception, fumble, blocked-kick, and punt returns.
S- Aeneas Williams, Southern B.R. (1991-2004)
Despite spending most of his career with Cardinals teams that were, to put it charitably, lousy, Williams still managed to make it to eight Pro Bowls- six with Arizona and two more with the St. Louis Rams. A versatile player, Williams spent most of his career at cornerback before moving to safety with the Rams, and intercepted 55 passes during his career.
P- Greg Coleman, Florida A&M (1977-88)
The only old-skewl black punters I could think of off-hand were Reggie Roby and this man, Greg Coleman, who punted for the Vikings in the late 80s. Roby went to the University of Iowa. I crossed my fingers and hoped Greg Coleman attended a black college. Huzzah- he did. Hes on the squad because, frankly, I cant think of any one else to put in this spot.
K- Cedric Oglesby, South Carolina State (2001)
Ever heard of this guy? Me neither. But Cedric Oglesby is the only black American soccer-style kicker to score points in the National Football League. Hes not the most illustrious member of this team, with all due respect to him. But to say the least, theres a dearth of black kickers from which to choose.
hockey Posted: 2/23/2006by: KPudd the reason why hockey isnt big in the US is due to the lack of access of playing surfaces. kids that grow up in urban enviroments most likely wont play because ice hockey isnt the type of sport where you could easily get a pick up game going like the other major sports in this country. lets also not forget to factor in the costs of equipment and ice time. clarification for Tom A: Posted: 2/16/2006by: clari-man Canadian Hockey Credentials: Seven-time and defending Olympic champions. 2004 World Cup of Hockey champions. 23-time world champions. They are the freakin' New York Yankees of hockey. period.
United States Hockey Credentials: Silver medallists at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics. Two-time Olympic champions. Two-time world champions. 1996 World Cup of Hockey champions. The Tara Reid of acting. nice to look at once in awhile, but ultimately useless.
safety Posted: 2/15/2006by: crizzo i know it hurts to admit it (you're a browns fan and i'm a seahawk fan) but mel blount of the steelers (southern) was one hell of a good safety for a long time. aside from that, props. Hey Soggy Posted: 2/15/2006by: Jesse L. Darrell Green (and Gene Upshaw, for that matter) got left off the list because, frankly, I wasn't sure Texas A&I was an all-black school. Replies Posted: 2/15/2006by: Jesse L. Thanks for the replys. I would have tossed in my 2 cents sooner, but I'm now gainfully employed (dammit).
On Doug Williams- he would have been a good pick, as he was indeed the first black QB to win a Super Bowl, but I chose McNair because the balance of his career was superior to that of Williams. Actually, I gave some brief thought to picking old Ram James "Shack" Harris, from Grambling, the first black QB to play in a Pro Bowl.
On Too Tall- I absolutely should have picked him, and those who pointed out his exclusion are dead-on. Gary Big Hands was a solid player, but Too Tall was better, and deserved to be listed.
On Hockey- It's not that I hate the sport, it's that I'm newborn baby-ignorant of it. And y'all wouldn't want me pontificating on something I'm ignorant about, would you?
Thanks again. Sweetness Posted: 2/15/2006by: bob Sweetness was the MAN. I watched an interview with him and the sports geek asked him about how to deal with a painful, punishing tackle. He said "I jump right back up like I didn't feel a thing." that guy could teach a lesson to some of these pussies today who can't stay off the IR. Of course he probably took the needle so much he was hooked on Demarol and 'roided up to heal up faster...still, I miss him Hockey ain't all bad Posted: 2/15/2006by: Tom Hockey isn't all bad, it just isn't for everyone. Being from Michigan, hockey is more accepted because you can play in school, just like football and basketball. Also, it fits in more with northern states like Wisconsin, Michigan and Minnesota, where you can play on a pond. But to say hockey is lame is to miss the boat completely. That being said, television does it no justice, and expansion has killed the NHL. And as for Hockey Posted: 2/15/2006by: YoungEinstien The reason no one likes hockey is because it's fucking lame.
Sure, they skate around fast and the puck is whipping around the ice, but they rarely score, and the strange rules get in the way of the action (icing?). Not to mention that anything on ice skates is definately left column material.
Most kids can't relate to hockey because it's not like you can just go out and play whenever you want. You need to find a rink or wait until winter, then you have to learn to skate, then you need all kinds of gear, and a bunch of friends who also have gear and can skate.
Everyone knows how to catch a ball and run and hit a ball and jump. EVERYONE. That's why the sports that involve only those things are more popular.
Darryl Green Posted: 2/15/2006by: Soggy Cornflake He was nasty for almost 20 years. Whoa there... Posted: 2/15/2006by: YoungEinstien Who said we liked Women's soccer?! If Jesus Christ was reborn as a woman in Detriot, and she played soccer for the women's US World Cup team, I still wouldn't watch a fucking second of it. She could be out there doing Matrix shit on the field and scoring 100 goals a match, and I still wouldn't care.
QB- Steve McNair, Alcorn State (1995- )
HB- Walter Payton, Jackson State (1975-87)
HB- Leroy Kelly, Morgan State (1964-73)
WR- Jerry Rice, Mississippi Valley State (1985-2004)
WR- John Stallworth, Alabama A&M (1974-87)
TE- Shannon Sharpe, Savannah State (1990-2003)
OT- Art Shell, Maryland-Eastern Shore (1968-82)
OG- Larry Little, Bethune-Cookman (1967-80)
C- Junius Coston, North Carolina A&T (2005- )
OG- Herbert Scott, Virginia Union (1975-84)
OT- Jackie Slater, Jackson State (1976-95)
DT- Gary Big Hands Johnson, Grambling (1975-85)
DT- Buck Buchanan, Grambling (1963-75)
DE- Michael Strahan, Texas Southern (1993- )
DE- Deacon Jones, Mississippi Valley State (1961-74)
LB- Robert Brazile, Jackson State (1975-84)
LB- Willie Lanier, Morgan State (1967-77)
LB- Harry Carson, South Carolina State (1976-88)
CB- Willie Brown, Grambling (1963-78)
CB- Lem Barney, Jackson State (1967-77)
S- Ken Houston, Prairie View A&M (1967-80)
S- Aeneas Williams, Southern B.R. (1991-2004)
P- Greg Coleman, Florida A&M (1977-88)
K- Cedric Oglesby, South Carolina State (2001)
