Hired and fired by George Steinbrenner’s Yankees five times, Martin’s hard drinking and inability to relate to his players make him the perfect man to lead this squad. Among the offenses he was fired for, ordering pitchers to throw beanballs (Detroit), overusing young pitchers (Oakland) and my favorite, he got into a fistfight with a marshmallow salesman named Joseph Cooper (New York, 2 nd firing)

Tim McCarver – I have no idea if he was an asshole when he played, but in his career as a broadcaster he has solidified himself as the biggest jackass to ever watch a baseball game behind a microphone. He calls a game as if his audience is in grade school and somehow manages to sound boastful while telling self-deprecating stories about his playing abilities.

Will Clark – His nickname was “Mr. Intensity.” As such, he was always the first to publicly call out a teammate he felt wasn’t giving 100 percent, a true asshole trait. You know “that guy” in your life, whether a co-worker, boss or family member, nobody likes a perfectionist that can’t understand why everyone else isn’t. For that, he gets the nod at first, edging out Dave Kingman.

While he is banished from baseball, he still gets a roster spot here. The godfather of the baseball card show, this asshole personifies the word better than anyone on this list. The same qualities that made him a great player on the field made him and real fuckhead off it. It’s not the betting on baseball scandal so much as the circus he created after it. And seriously, look at this picture. You can’t defend this guy.

Now infamous for “the slap,” this rah-rah pep squad leader may be a hell of a hitter, but boy is he an asshole. If the $25 million a year he banks for playing a kid’s game isn’t enough reason to hate him his fake-hustle attitude is. Don’t let his carefully polished media image fool you, this guy’s a real assbag.

The name is synonymous with asshole. He hates you, he hates me and he probably hates his kids, but man does this guy love himself. It’s Barry’s world, you’re just living in it. It’s a shame this asshole is going to break Hank Aaron’s record.

Spike-sharpening, high-sliding, sexist, racist, anti-Semite that claimed he once killed a man, Cobb was quite an asshole. He also once went into the stands and savagely beat a man who had insulted him. Also, he thinks Ron Artest is a total pussy.

An asshole from beginning to end. His arrogance never subsided and the guy that adamantly denied steroid use when it would have cost him a suspension wrote a book about it when he was low on cash. Then he even offered to take a lie detector test to back up his steroid claims – on Pay-Per-View. Unbelievable.

Went after a fan while playing college ball at LSU. Then while playing for the Cleveland Indians in 1990 he upped the ante by throwing a ball into the stands and hitting a fan in the chest. In 1995 he verbally assaulted NBC field reporter Hannah Storm as she waited to interview a teammate. Still, he wonders why the press is out to get him.

Where to begin? He threw anything he could find at Mike Piazza. He was ejected from his son’s little league game for arguing a call, then spitting sunflower seeds at the umpire. He retired from the Yankees only to resurface in Houston the next year. He doesn’t travel with his teammates if he doesn’t feel like it. He named his four boys Koby, Kory, Kasy and Kody because they all start with K. Oh, and he just got an $18 million salary in arbitration to stave off retirement one more year. A real prick, that guy.

An unarmed toilet’s greatest fear, this temperamental porcelain smasher is an asshole’s asshole. A real well rounded jerk.

In 1999, Brown demanded a private jet on top of his $105 million contract with the Dodgers so he could see his backwards ass family in Macon, Georgia a few extra times a year. As things turned out, he fucked up his back really bad on one of those in-season trips while lifting his son, a problem that still plagues him today. See, sometimes bad things do happen to bad people.

Also, if he thought he could get away with it, he’d kill you.

Don’t be fooled by his innocent looks. This guy slammed a baseball bat into the unhelmented head of Johnny Roseboro during a brawl, an act that is not only assholeish but barbaric. Still, this is the All-Asshole team and we like his fire. Pencil him in.

Mickey Mantle once said, “I hated to bat against Drysdale. After he hit you he'd come around, look at the bruise on your arm and say, ‘Do you want me to sign it?’” The fact is, if ol’ Don were here today he’d be proud to be a part of the All-Asshole Team. What an asshole.

It’s not that he throws inside. It’s not that he bitches in the media. It’s not even that he owns a midget. Think about your grandfather and look at this picture. Ass-hole.

Throw at a base runner, you make this list. It’s that simple. Also, he was quoted as saying, “If I were Barry (Bonds), and I were that good, I'd be two-times the jerk people perceive him to be.” Seeing as how Bonds is the MVP of this team, Dibble further cements his spot in the bullpen. Besides, just look at this picture. It screams fuckwad.

Not smart enough to keep his racist, sexist and homophobic opinions to himself in the presence of a reporter, Rocker became famous for all the wrong reasons. Probably wouldn’t have made the cut on this team without his infamous SI interview, but a prick nonetheless. The fact that he later apologized makes him even more of an asshole.

Deadbeat dad to one of country music’s biggest acts Tim McGraw, he finally came around once old Timmy hit the big time. While he is hardly the only absentee father in the Major Leagues, he’s the most high-profile and so he’s in our bullpen.

After recently being commended for “showing restraint” after only delivering one forearm into the chest of a fan reaching for a baseball, Sheffield has come a long way. That still doesn’t keep him from earning a starting spot on this roster. And for those who remember, his 1989 Topps rookie card featured a smiling Sheffield with gold “teef.” While assholeish, I gotta say, it was also pretty awesome.

He’s the self-proclaimed straw that stirs the drink. Well I like mine shaken you asshole.

On this one we’ll just let ol’ Marge speak for herself. These are actual quotes:

“I would never hire another nigger. I'd rather have a trained monkey working for me than a nigger.”

“I am not a racist.”

Referred to Dave Parker and Eric Davis as “million-dollar niggers”

“Only fruits wear earrings.”

Teamed up with manager Billy Martin once again on this team. With “The Boss” the question isn’t what makes him an asshole, it’s what doesn’t make him an asshole. He was a prick when they were losing and he’s an even bigger prick now that they’re winning. He’s an awful man but he’s awful rich so there’s nothing anyone can do. Asshole.