Has anyone in the history of wiping ass ever used just one square of toilet paper? Dont get me wrong; Im a pretty manly guy. When Im camped out in the jungle Ill use a palm leaf, a pinecone, or the butt of a rifle to wipe my ass if necessary. But when I am back in civilized company I use TP just like the next guy. I just dont get whos bright fucking idea it was to separate that shit into three-inch squares. Even on the rare occasion that I am using the really good stuff and not my regular fistful of blue Scott Tissue, I cannot think of a single time when there was ample paper available on the roll that I used less than at least five squares. I mean, anything less and you are seriously risking getting the wrong kind of stinkfist. Even with a working sink and some Lava, poop on the fingers is something that should be reserved to German Scheie films.
Of course, like anyone else I have had those rare moments after one of those bowl-dripping ass-blast sessions where the TP has come up short and Ive had to try to scrape the runny extra fecal matter from my sticky cheeks by using the toilet paper roll itself as a scoop; and sure those times usually lead to getting some of the Hershey squirts on the wrist, palm or fingers; but honestly, who wouldnt avoid that if they could? And it just doesnt make good business sense. Sure, the movie theater bathroom benefits from 3x3 squares and those dispensers where you can only pull two squares at a time, but dont the TP manufacturers want to sell more of that shit? I propose the standard size for a leaf of TP be changed to 3x15 to ensure that next time I shake Governor Schwarzeneggers hand in a public restroom I do not get a little brown, smashed chunk of corn transferred from him to me because of inadequate square size.
Now that I think about it though, maybe he was in that john giving himself a dirty Sanchez, but thats beside the point. The three-inch squares should be reserved for the end of the roll only, when you are really trying to get more wipe for your buck; other than that, lets all get real about this important issue of tissue. Ten Hut! Forward March to the reviews!
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I know many people have said this before so Im not gonna dwell on it, but Tom Cruise is a fucking idiot. Dont get me wrong, though. The reason websites like this one devote so much time to his sorry ass is because we secretly love him. There is a reason why Days of Thunder actually made money. Would I sit around the bar at lunchtime and watch televised billiards on the Deuce if it werent for The Color of Money? Would I still manually eject my swimmers to Lea Thompson, Rebecca De Mornay, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, or Kelly McGillis if Cruise hadnt introduced me to their finer points (though I really have to give credit for the last one to Harrison Hand Solo Ford in Witness)?
But Jesus fuck me with a Bible, please do not ever tell psycho chicks like Brooke Shields to stay off the meds. We all know Tom is secretly gayer than a Bag O Dicks, but what kind of sadistic prick would do that? Now that Katie Holmes's vagina is ruined from popping Cruises artificially inseminated demon seed out of her dusty coin slot, well see if he sticks to his guns when she is driving his diminutive ass up a wall. Maybe Tom has the power to get away from a crazy bitch that is not getting any attention after having just passed a cantaloupe through a ketchup bottle sized hole, but the rest of us actually have to deal with that psycho shit. Look, the simple fact of the matter is, the guy has an impact, so he should be careful. We know hes a fucking moron, but well put up with Minority Report for a Collateral. Ill suffer through a Cocktail to get to Rain Man. For every Interview With a Vampire & Far and Away theres an A Few Good Men and The Firm. But as his list of good movies illustrates, Cruise is sweet when he has awesome co-stars and shitty when left to face the villainous Matt Lauer or Oprah Winfrey with his own devices.
MI3 is no exception. Without Phillip Seymour Butts Hoffman lending this action-packed thriller some credibility, this movie might have sucked too. Ving Your Ass Goes Down In The Fifth Rhames also makes his third MI appearance, but unless he is going to revoke Cruises LA privileges, he is nothing compared to Hoffmans creepy arms-dealing persona. Of course, Kari Russell and Billy Crudup stink up the screen worse than a backstage patchouli party at a Phish concert, but I can still honestly say, regardless of the potential to suck, this movie kicks off the summer of super hero tentpoles and overhyped schlock the right way. "Lost" and "Alias" creator JJ Abrams, the new captain of the Star Trek franchise, manages to forget everything he learned from his "Felicity" and Armageddon days and instead only pull from the personalized background stories that make "Lost" work and combine them with the bait-and-switch techno hijinks from "Alias", which were obviously based on the original "Mission Impossible" show in the first place. Of course, what he didnt forget was to once again cast his buddy Greg Grunberg with a part. I cant wait to see that guy as a Ferengi.
Somehow Abrams makes Tomkat seem like a more real and less ridiculous person as he jumps from building to building with Spiderman like acrobatics and navigates a bridge that is blowing up under his feet with ease than his actual real-life persona. But in the end thats why you go to the movies. We all have this sick need to actually connect with the guy that can take down a fighter jet with a few bullets from an automatic rifle or MacGuyver his way past a high-tech security system. For some reason, we actually want to know what motivates Ethan Hunt to put on a plastic version of the villain's face and what the tension means when he has to cough his way through a scene until the voice simulator kicks in. Thats high drama! So without a doubt Im sold. Or at least Ive been bought. I knew I shouldnt have read "Dianetics" before seeing this movie. Cruises personality may only get a half a bloody testicle from me, but crafty storytelling and awesome explosions and effects truly make this the first big movie of the year to see, so let the severed ears fly. Besides, Cruise had me at hello with Born on the Fourth of July anyway.
Man I remember trying to count the freckles on Sissy Spaceks naked body as she was wrangled like cattle by Gene Hackman in Prime Cut. Boy those days are sure gone. These days she looks more like that extra hamburger patty you left sitting in the grease after cooking some triple-thick homeburgers. But I guess having Carrie in what could loosely be called a horror movie still lends the flick some credibility. Of course, so does Donald Sutherland. But these days I find him far more entertainingly sinister and creepy with his bad guy turn as the Speaker Of The House on "Commander In Queif". Hes certainly come a long way from pot-smoking professor in Animal House. But the veteran talents of Spacek and Jack Bauers dad still cant save this back and forth in time ghost story. After seeing Saw and Hostel, big daddy Kanes See No Evil has a better chance of getting audiences squirming than some throwback psychological scares.
Until youve cut off someones dangling eyeball or put their head in a bear trap, youre just not going to be able to convince a modern audience to be scared. Sure, every now and then you get a movie like The Mothman Prophecies where the theory itself is frightening or The Blair Witch Project where the cheap style made the lack of action scary, but if you are shooting for standard horror movie fare, then you better come correct with the blood and guts and not some eighteenth-century ghost story nonsense. I put this movie on my list of things to do right after watching The Best of SNL 1997-2001.
What the fuck happened to Luke Wilson? I mean, hes not a bad actor, and he certainly got the better half of the gene pool in the Wilson nose department, but barring his one classic performance on that campy vampire episode of "X-Files", Luke Wilson has gone down faster than Paris Hilton in front of a video camera ever since Home Fries. Hoot, however, may be an all time low for anyone. Bottle Rocket may have been one of the best small films ever made, but thats not enough to give any actor a pass for playing a bumbling cop in a movie about saving a fucking owl! Hey Luke, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? None, because you are too busy choking on the owls fucking cock!
I know that, thanks to Hairy Pooper and the Chronicles of Yawnia, adaptations of popular kids books are all the rage in Hollywood, but kids arent stupid! Just because some librarian convinced the soccer moms of America to force their kids to read Hoot doesnt mean they give a hoot about seeing the movie version. Kids love titties, violence and effects as much as the rest of us. Teenage boys didnt go see Narnia because of the subliminal Christian message. They want to imagine grabbing a sword and killing some mythical beast so they can get laid. They love Harry Potter because he has super powers and Hermoine is starting to sprout. The ultimate family film to this day is still Clash of the Titans. Half-naked chicks, flying horses, and beheaded Gorgon. Thats what the fuck kids want to see, not Luke Wilson acting like Ned Beatty in the first Superman trying to save some fucking owls in Florida. Shit, Michael Madsen was better in Free Willy. Did I mention that Jimmy Buffet produced this film? That's right, getting wasted in Margaritaville for 30 years certainly qualifies the king of parrot heads to entertain my children. I quit.
Hes tough, he rocks a natural and hes black, so of course his name is Jackson. And like every other hardnosed eighties cop (Robocop, Beverly Hills Cop) he works the mean streets of Detroit City, where apparently crime is just a little worse than the rest of the world and must be dealt with by blowing things up. Former Oakland Raider Carl Weathers was the perfect choice to be the quintessential black hero of action for two reasons, A.) his powerful Tom Selleck-like mustache and B.) Apollo Creed whupped Rockys ass in the first movie. In fact, he humiliated the Italian Stallion so bad that they eventually had to kill his ass off in Rocky (needs an) IV. So after matching wits with the Gubenator in Predator, Weathers was given the role of a lifetime, Sgt Jericho Action Jackson.
But whom could he fight? Who would be a credible opponent for the man who beat Rocky like a Cinco de Mayo piata? The answer is, of course, Coach! Thats right. Craig T. Nelson is not only a sharp silver-haired automotive billionaire fashioned after John DeLorean, but he is also a mobbed-up, drug-pushing sleazoid. Of course that is not nearly bad enough, though. So our villain, Coach, is also a Kung Fu Master who is so bad-ass that not only does he lay the smack down on his sparring partner, but when his trainer extends a hand to be lifted from the mat, Coach breaks his wrist! Oh, the horror.
Of course he has a legion of bumbling baddie-bads at his disposal for Action Jackson to mercilessly dispatch. Most notably featured is the fu-manchued ultimate henchman Al Leong, whose turn as Hachet Wielding Wing Kong Baddie #3 in Big Trouble in Little China and Asian Revolutionary #5 in the Roddy Piper classic They Live, along with his numerous TV appearances in "The Fall Guy", "MacGuyver", "TJ Hooker", "Hart To Hart", and the "The A-Team" have made him the go-to guy for briefly menacing failed action moments that ultimately lead to his boss's demise.
But wait, theres more. Still dont think Action Jackson is one of the all-time greatest movies ever? What if I told you, for the same price of admission Id throw in a young, post-Allan Quatermain but pre-Total Recall Sharon Stone? Nothing says classic 80s action like a random shower scene accompanied by blaring city sax. In fact, Stone's two breast-and-a butt cheek performance was so good that she is now featured on the DVD cover art instead of the original poster which featured Craig T. Nelson. Still not enough? Well just for the true fans Ill through in some Vanity. You didnt really think theyd let Apollo Creed get the white girl, did you? Isnt it enough that hes the hero? Given, her two songs in the movie epitomize everything that was bad about mid-eighties pop, but regardless of the fact that she of course plays a heroin addicted slut because she is the black chick, Princes ex gives us what The Last Dragon is ultimately lacking, some nice long shots of her malleable mocha mounds. Sho Nuff!
Just to ensure all-time classic status, they even threw in Bill You Know You Done Fucked Up, Right Duke, Robert Pock Marks Make Me Sexy Davi and that Argyle kid from Die Hard as Jacksons cohorts. I dont know about you, but when Im looking for a fun Friday night at home with some microwave popcorn and a suitcase of Pabst, nothing says a good time like the triple threat of Action Jackson, Cobra, and the Jesse Ventura classic Abraxas.
First off, stop singing through your goddamned teeth. Open your mouth and enunciate, you overly serious, pretentious, mumbly sum biatch!
Before I tell you why Eddie Vedder and this weeks batch of miscreants known as Pearl Jam are more worthy of a pearl necklace in the eye than any kudos from me, let me at least say that it seems like Vedder has found some of the fire and fervor that resounded in early classics like "Black" and "Alive". Sadly, their subject matter has shifted and the white-rock equivalent of Mushmouth seems to think someone out there gives a flying fuck about his take on the geo-political climate of the world. Dude, we get it. Youre a pussy. You hate war. You hate conflict. No one should ever have to fight or die for what they believe in. Tony Blair is Bushs bitch. Africa is all fucked up. And every single person around the world is dying for all the wrong reasons. I got it.
I can read a paper, write a blog, and wax political at the local Starbucks with the best of em too. I, however, am just smart enough not to. But thanks for not just focusing on the global crises with tunes like World Wide Suicide and Army Reserve, but bringing it back home with classics like Umemployable and the oh-so happy divorce and death rocker Come Back. I thought My Chemical Romance were a bunch of whining morbid fucks, but you make the Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me days of Robert Smith seem like an afternoon of collecting Skee Ball tickets at the local Chuck E Cheese so you can have spent 40 dollars on thirty cents worth of fuzzy-haired troll doll. The music on this album is the best effort put forth by these last bastions of grunge since Vitalogy, and it really does seem like Eddie finally got his heart back in to it.
But seriously, even draft-dodging anti-war pussies do not want to hear this vapid fuck spit through his teeth about the woes of the world; thats like taking self help advice from Robert Downey Jr., or dating tips from Charlie Sheen. But since most of Vedders mumbled lyrics are about as intelligible as a Paula Abdul critique, I guess it doesnt really matter. I buy in to the music, but I refuse to buy into the bullshit.
1. Now that summer movie season has officially started, I can finally feel comfortable talking about the aptly named Snakes On A Plane. In case youve been under a rock or havent quite learned how to use Al Gores Internet yet (by the way he looks like the bad guy from Phantasm on the cover of the latest issue of Wired), Snakes on a plane is the story of Sam Jackson dealing with, well, a plane full of snakes. Why is it destined to be the best movie of the summer? Because when New Line execs saw the PG-13 rough cut they immediately asked for an R-rated re-shoot to add more blood & guts, more mile-high nudity and more of Sam Jackson dropping the f-bomb. Yall mutha fuckers better get these mutha fucking snakes off this mutha fucking plane! Which got me thinking about all of those classic Sam Jackson moments. So, what is your favorite Samuel L Jackson moment? If you say anything about Changing Lanes, I will pin your ears back with a staple gun.
2. Surprised that Michael shot Angry Lucia and Titus girlfriend last night? Im not, since this episode was filmed right around the time both chicks got arrested for drunk driving. But the real question is are they "Lost" forever like Paris on American Idol or will they be revived in true sci-fi Search For Spock style?
3. Holy shoot! The WWE actually let Joey Styles rip the cartoony bullshit nature of RAW in his I quit speech in an attempt to hype the upcoming rebirth of the now McMahon controlled version of ECW. Do you think the WWE can get ECW right, or will the new version pale in comparison to the old classic ECW days of smelly beer halls, New Jack balcony dives and nipple flashing catfights? Watching Grunge leg drop New Jack through a press table. God, even Weezer loved old ECW.
Feel free to comment on one, some, or all of these, or just lambast JPM for his adamant disapproval of monikers, hyphens, kudos, and common sense.
Dumb fuck Posted: 5/5/2006by: The Living Tribunal Anybody with any common sense knows what a moniker is. It isnt taught in 99.99% of schools? You only know what you've been taught in school, you ignoramus? How can you not know what a moniker is? I would be ashamed to admit that. What a fuckin' imbecile. (insert lame comeback above) wrestling Posted: 5/5/2006by: Bryan is stupid. Watch some real shit, UFC. Forget all that acting and pretending. M. Wallace Posted: 5/5/2006by: Hammer Any words wriiten by Tarantino and uttered by Marcelus Wallace are the best of Samuel L. Enough said. Good Job, Napalm Posted: 5/5/2006by: Dave B You had me from the very first line, which caused me to explain to my Business Law teacher why I was laughing like a retard in the middle of his lecture.
1. The dialogue with John Travolta in Pulp Fiction about foot massages was classic.
2.Saw it coming from a mile away. "Libby" even has a role on some new sitcom.
3. I haven't watched wrestling since my brother told me it was fake when I was about 7 years old. POO POO HEAD Posted: 5/5/2006by: JPM Have a good weekend POO POO HEAD. PRICK-NOSE Posted: 5/5/2006by: JPM Not that. Call me anything but that. AND OH MY GOD YOU USED A HYPHEN. THANK YOU Posted: 5/5/2006by: JPM Patrick M for pointing that out. The Last Dragon Posted: 5/5/2006by: dc My last post was a tribute to Napalm's reference to Sho' Nuff, in the Action Jackson review, not you prick-nose. JPM Posted: 5/5/2006by: Patrick M and neither must you or you wouldn't be able to provoke and prolong this garbage. Point Proven Posted: 5/5/2006by: JPM Useless and not funny comments.
Don't quit your day job, oh I forgot you don't have one.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I know many people have said this before so Im not gonna dwell on it, but Tom Cruise is a fucking idiot. Dont get me wrong, though. The reason websites like this one devote so much time to his sorry ass is because we secretly love him. There is a reason why Days of Thunder actually made money. Would I sit around the bar at lunchtime and watch televised billiards on the Deuce if it werent for The Color of Money? Would I still manually eject my swimmers to Lea Thompson, Rebecca De Mornay, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, or Kelly McGillis if Cruise hadnt introduced me to their finer points (though I really have to give credit for the last one to Harrison Hand Solo Ford in Witness)? 
Man I remember trying to count the freckles on Sissy Spaceks naked body as she was wrangled like cattle by Gene Hackman in Prime Cut. Boy those days are sure gone. These days she looks more like that extra hamburger patty you left sitting in the grease after cooking some triple-thick homeburgers. But I guess having Carrie in what could loosely be called a horror movie still lends the flick some credibility. Of course, so does Donald Sutherland. But these days I find him far more entertainingly sinister and creepy with his bad guy turn as the Speaker Of The House on "Commander In Queif". Hes certainly come a long way from pot-smoking professor in Animal House. But the veteran talents of Spacek and Jack Bauers dad still cant save this back and forth in time ghost story. After seeing Saw and Hostel, big daddy Kanes See No Evil has a better chance of getting audiences squirming than some throwback psychological scares. 
What the fuck happened to Luke Wilson? I mean, hes not a bad actor, and he certainly got the better half of the gene pool in the Wilson nose department, but barring his one classic performance on that campy vampire episode of "X-Files", Luke Wilson has gone down faster than Paris Hilton in front of a video camera ever since Home Fries. Hoot, however, may be an all time low for anyone. Bottle Rocket may have been one of the best small films ever made, but thats not enough to give any actor a pass for playing a bumbling cop in a movie about saving a fucking owl! Hey Luke, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? None, because you are too busy choking on the owls fucking cock! 
Hes tough, he rocks a natural and hes black, so of course his name is Jackson. And like every other hardnosed eighties cop (Robocop, Beverly Hills Cop) he works the mean streets of Detroit City, where apparently crime is just a little worse than the rest of the world and must be dealt with by blowing things up. Former Oakland Raider Carl Weathers was the perfect choice to be the quintessential black hero of action for two reasons, A.) his powerful Tom Selleck-like mustache and B.) Apollo Creed whupped Rockys ass in the first movie. In fact, he humiliated the Italian Stallion so bad that they eventually had to kill his ass off in Rocky (needs an) IV. So after matching wits with the Gubenator in Predator, Weathers was given the role of a lifetime, Sgt Jericho Action Jackson. 
First off, stop singing through your goddamned teeth. Open your mouth and enunciate, you overly serious, pretentious, mumbly sum biatch! 
Because when New Line execs saw the PG-13 rough cut they immediately asked for an R-rated re-shoot to add more blood & guts, more mile-high nudity and more of Sam Jackson dropping the f-bomb. Yall mutha fuckers better get these mutha fucking snakes off this mutha fucking plane! Which got me thinking about all of those classic Sam Jackson moments. So, what is your favorite Samuel L Jackson moment? If you say anything about Changing Lanes, I will pin your ears back with a staple gun.
