Posts: 3 Rank: 241
Member Since:
8/15/2006
Location:
Huntington Beach, CA
Posted: 6/7/2007
Sir, I know you have something under this skin.
You all do it. You get to the airport and become the world's foremost authority on being able to spot a terrorist. Everyone's a suspect. That guy traveling by himself? Yup, 42% chance he is going to try and take your plane down. That family of 3? Oh that's just a front for that jihadist father. I mean, for shit's sake!! He has a beard!
I, being half-Arab but fully looking the part, tend to take extra precautions when traveling to the airport so you people don't 'Jeff Gillooly' my kneec...
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This was very entertaining and well told from the rag head's perspective. I have been in this situation before and it never secess to amaze me at the idiots that do the "random searches". I seem to be the one that always gets picked by the mexican security line worker that doesn't speak more that the few words of English she learned to do her job, "You, tall guy. You random pick. Go to search area." I'm as American looking as a Dennys next to a Holiday Inn but I always get picked to do the random search. Then some fatassed, dumb as a bag of hammers son of a bitch tells me to raise my arms and stand on the foot prints in the carpet. "Oh, sorry sir. I thought that's where you were going to stand." Maybe it's because of my unsightly wind pants and over stuffed fanny pack. I don't know.
Posts: 2075 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:21:22 AM
As you all may know, I'm not very funny or creative. But you guys are, and that is why I need your help.
My 8 year old son is not very quick with the wit (like father like son) when it comes to hurling insults at his friends when they get into "You're stupid" matches. I have really tapped my well in offering up some of my best retorts for him to use.
Game: Come up with some realllly hurtful insults that an 8 year old boy can say to another kid, who has a divorced mother who dresses like Betty Page and works at a perfume counter, his father is a drug dealing skateboarder (who is 35) and he is in day-care still.
If you don't want to help, that's fine, and I know I'm opening myself for more ridicule from you guys, but I am serious and I know some of you guys could have some killer come-backs to stupid shit like "You suck" or "You're loser."
Having to travel without ID. About 5 years ago I lost my wallet during a particularly raucous bachelor party and had to fly back from Milwaukee. I spoke with the airline and the woman on the phone told me that I would definitely be searched....hard. So I ask her on the phone, "So I'll be walking funny for a few days, right?". To which she laughs and replies, "Oh you poor thing.....yes."
Luckily all of the security at Milwaukee's airport are generally affable 60 year-old guys with mustaches. There was, however, a particularly harrowing moment both for myself and the TSA screener as his wand beeped over my crotch. A palpable awkwardness passed between us and he stammered, "Um, I'll just pat this area with the back of my hand real quick." I turned my head and winced and said, "Just do it!".
Lesson learned: If you lose your ID, your balls are fair game.
Posts: 96 Rank: 46 Joined:
3/16/2007
Location:
Kansas City, MO
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:16:01 PM
Give your kid a pack of smokes and a flask of Everclear. Teach him to smoke decently, and how to take a fake swig off of the flask. Once he lights up in front of the other kids and throws back a shot of the hooch, and then passes it around. The kids will have newfound respect for your kid. And if they don't, the liquor will fuck them up enough for your kid to pummel them.
Throw your pussy ass caution to the wind, and make him the badass you never were. You kid could be the kid with the Juvie Hall reputation, and they pulled down wicked ammounts of pre-high shcool ass.
Posts: 1054 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:21:40 PM
and great racial slurs on the boards this morning.
my wife and i flew out of the country for our honeymoon ( it was several years after 9/11 but still tense at the airports) and see a middle eastern looking fella about 45 years old pulling his suitcase through the terminal with so much red, white, & blue , usa , god bless america gear (hat, glasses, shirt, pants, shoes - no lie) on that even patrons at a state fair would call it "excessive"
i still can't decide if i was more excited over that or the 7-day wet dick contest i was about to embark on...
Posts: 2075 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:23:18 PM
Your suggestion is solid. The truth of the matter is, I was a realllllly bad kid. I was in trouble with the law most of my youth. Assault and batteries, theft, even a hate crime. So I have raised my son to be a pacifist, but it's just gotten ridiculous. So I've been teaching him to fight back. I have already taught him some sweet submission holds to put on those little fuckers (and I have had to talk to a few parents about why Hunter was trying to break their kids arm). I have prepared him physically, but he needs to sharpen his wit, and I am unsuited to do that for him with out telling him to throw vulgarities around.
Posts: 889 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:24:03 PM
How about these gems:
"Oh yeah, well at least my parents didn't split up because they hated their child so much. You now have a higher probability of having a failed marriage and perpetuating this cycle. Poophead!"
or
"My dad may be an idiot, but he's a fat idiot, and if you don't stop he's going to sit on you and suffocate you. And I don't mean in the same manner in which he suffocates me with love and attention. Seriously, can't that guy just leave me alone, I'm trying to watch Yugioh here! For the millionth time I don't want to hear something hilarious that one of his "friends" said online. I mean, who is this Christine person anyways? Anyhoo, you're retarded, *does retard voice*, but not as retarded as my dad."
Posts: 2075 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:25:56 PM
I think we have a winner. Those are both cutting, but the first one is actually a really good one. I want him to be able emotionally scar the other kid.
Posts: 889 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:33:07 PM
Spartan, I'm just going to assume that you named your child after Hunter Hearst Helmsly, as in Tiple H, as in you named your son after a fucking professional wrestler.
"I've heard your dad's blow is stepped on!" "My dad is ranked 22nd on a cool website. Is yours?" "All the other mall employees laugh at your mom's job." "You clearly don't appreciate The Matrix like we do at our house." "Everybody has a game plan before I hit them in the mouth." "Who is getting more ass post-divorce, your mom or dad?"
"Hey, hey, hey! Why are we fightin guys? Can't we just play Transgenderformers like normal 8 year olds? I know that my dad is a bit of an ass, but yours isn't much better. Remember when we caught him in the back room with a rope around his neck and his peepee in his hands? That was weird so just shut up and lets play."
"your dad sells coke, my dad sucks dick for coke, can't we just let bygones be bygones and play tummysticks again?"
also:
"your mom tells everyone that you shoulda been a blowjob" is always good for kids who can't fully comprehent it.
if it's two kids he wants to blast at the same time "are your names neil and bob or is that just what you do?" but that's probably more a 12 or 13 yr old line.
"has anyone ever told you that you look like the mailman?"
"what's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? you can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball."
