Posts: 80 Rank: 35
Member Since:
10/21/2005
Location:
Canoga Park, CA
Posted: 9/7/2007
Everything you ever needed to know is in this column. How to blow up a grown man, check. How to insult women and make them like it, check. How to use shrinky dinks and chia pets as contraceptives, che… Wait a minute. I can't give you all my secrets. But since my column turned 100 last time, I thought Napalm 101 should be everything you need to know to write you very own Napalm column. Here are some very simple steps to follow.
The Intro – Typically this only requires waking up. ...
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1) thats just too much work at this time of day. Either I will do it later or just sit here and get a kick out of everyone elses down the road. looks fun though.
2)Caption: Hollywood has just ruined GI Joe the movie...
...and now I'm pissed.
3) those are tough choices there. I will say ME. somehow I have managed to miss every chance possible to engage in Fantasy Football at this point. Now thats stupid. The only shot I have is to create a league involving the goobers down the hall. This pain will be felt until January. this sucks. I'm an idiot.
Posts: 1055 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:00:42 AM
and congrats on the hundo, nape. sorry i missed it. you aren't giving the keys to the condo away because you're retiring are you? that would ruin every other friday for me.
Q&A 1. good luck chuck Watching (dane cook) is like (watching a monkey fuck a football). I would rather (fingerbang) (hayden "remember my titan" panaterre) with (spartanyan's) (big montana) than see (dane "myspace" cook) (exist) with jessica alba on film. And if you don't agree with that I will (perform a colonoscopy on you with a hedge trimmer). (holy hot hair-pie)(turbo & ozone)(fuck). (Like priests on a playground), I have never wanted to (stab a guy in the face) so much in my life. But since I can't I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that (insert shitty director-arent they all?) learns how to light (jessica "dark angel" alba's)(dave cave) so that I don't just see (Dane's) (stupid) (face) (tongue-bathing) her ("honey" comb) for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched (gimme a break reruns) and seen better (cleavage) than that.
2. "who's the master? sho-nuff." (is there any other caption available?)
3. vick - pissed it away. what a dummy. own up to it, say yeah i fucked up & move on. not "well i was funding the whole operation & gambling monies but never gambled" - come on, buddy.
Thank God they exposed the to catch a preditor.
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Post #: 3
Posts: 447 Rank: 19 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:07:10 AM
I was getting nervious and almost quit meeting Juviniles for sex.
Watching George Clooney is like a colonoscopy. I would rather Ream Jesica Biel's Ass with Spartans' Mop than see Cloony "Mop" her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will Monkey Stomp your ass. Flying your plane Solo, Hand Solo Muther fucker. Scientology Bithc, I have never wanted to give away 60% of my income to Pray to a Novelist's Ideas other than a Playboy Forum so much in my life. But since I can't guess I'll have to wait for the sequel and hope that Lucus learns how to Light Biel's Cock muffin so that I don't just see Clooney's witherd dong buttering her muffin for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched Falcon Crest and seen better Bootie than that.
TMan and his gang of Digger, DC and thier Hoes are here to Wrastle.
There are seveal TPP Writers who have been calling it in this summer, and I'd like to Thank Napalm for not. Those writers are all Idiots.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:12:41 AM
Sorry to be off topic on one of Napalm's boards, but I gotta share this. A manager here at work asks me to have someone'e desk packed up and brought up to HR. This was all supposed to be confidential and done exactly at noon. Yes, you guessed it, someone is getting fired today and just liek the movie "Office Space" it looks like they prefer to do it on a Friday. So, I ask give the details to the facilities department with the instructions to have someone come at noon. What's supposed to happen is that he gets taken up to HR for whatever goes down when we fire someone around 11 while his stuff gets packed up at noon and then brouhgt up to him. Well, they ignore all that and someone just shows up at the guy's desk around 8:30 with a box for his stuff and a copy of the request form that I filled out while he thinks he's doing a typical day's work. He's wondering if he's moving to a differnet floor or something and his manager has to run out of a meeting to come and tell the guy he's getting fired. Have a great weekend, buddy! And somehow this is going to get put on me.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:43:48 AM
1.Seriously Napalm if my boss gave me an assignment that time consuming i'd walk the fuck out and i actually get paid when i do the boss's bullshit there isn't a chance that i'm spending that much fucking time, i'm not funny or clever either unless i'm pissed (Vert) so it would suck if i tried 'cause right now i'm hung over not pissed. I think i was pissed last night and took it out on some new guy, see yesterday's board. 2. Farooc returns to the WWE at the age of 74, reforms "Nation of Domination" and wins hardcore title. 3. Christine - All those "sick" days are going to catch up to you in your review.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:54:45 AM
Catfish - I was going to berate you for not performing Napalm #1 today but i didn't either so your off the hook.
Duece - (why can't i ever spell that correct?) - You always bring it, I still might think that you're Napalm.
Evil Frank - Napalm gave you the fucking formula and you proceed to puke up some of the most incomprehensible dribble since Antony left us. So I"m going to assume that was your goal at that you failed. You were 1,352 words short and 735 curse words too short.
Balls - If you aint man enough to be responsible for somebody losing their job change your name to something a little more feminane like, gash.
Posts: 134 Rank: 14 Joined:
5/11/2007
Location:
St. Louis, MO
Posted: 9/7/2007 10:17:32 AM
1. Watching Colin Farrell is like trying to beat off with sandpaper. I would rather rub Bridget "Demon Seed Incubator" Moynahan with 7 Crown's flaccid shame than see Farrel hump her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will grill your feet with a blow torch and scrape them with golf cleats until they look like hamburger. Peter Piper picked a peck of I want my two dollars back, pussy. Starving Mahatma Gandhi choking to death on a saltine, I have never wanted to punch a kitten in the face so much in my life. But since I can't, I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that Roger Donaldson learns how to light Moynahan's gamy meat curtains so that I don't just see Farrell's pasty white ass humping her leg for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched Punky Brewster and seen better ass than that.
2. I agree with deuce, there is only one answer. "Sho-nuff', the Shogun of Harlem!"
3. Vick. I just want to let it go, but it keeps dragging me back in! I could give a fuck about the dogs; I never really liked him as a quarterback.
Posts: 1153 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 9/7/2007 10:18:37 AM
Great stuff Napalm, at least you haven't left us...yet.
1. Maybe later
2. "Hey guys, do you think this belt clashes with my spandex?"
3. How can anyone be voted a bigger loser/idiot than Michael Vick at this point in time. Although I bet the people who drafted Brees might be feeling this way right about now.
Posts: 2891 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/7/2007 10:24:58 AM
First, I'm a little upset that Napalm shared his formula with us. I would never even want to try to do what he does, but now that I know the secret, it seems less phenomenal.
Having said that, this article was one of your best. I know, I'm a walking contradiction. Some thoughts:
Sayid is hot. No one is better than Terrence Howard. I can't believe you, who prides himself on being at least 98% heterosexual, has seen pushing tin.
1. Watching (Bill Paxton) is like (ironing my clit). I would rather (stab) (Charlize "pointy tits" Theron) with (Deuce's) (light sabre) than see (Bill Paxton) (crunch) her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will (gnaw out your eyeballs while twisting your nut sac until you beg for me to break your neck with my She-Ra thighs). (shit sniffing shaft sucking)(donnie darko)(fuckwads). (Christ on a pork greased cross), I have never wanted to (blow my dad) so much in my life. But since I can't I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that (chris columbus) learns how to light (Charlize's)(fuschia hallway) so that I don't just see (fucking Paxton's) (moldy) (pelvis) (humping) her (belly button) for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched (Blossom) and seen better (nose) than that.
2. "Hey Toque! We made it! Where's our table?"
3. I'll go with Goldblum. He's so washed up he's probably reading this and will pruposely do something. HI Jeff!
I wish I had waited and seen Deuce's post first.
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Post #: 11
Posts: 447 Rank: 19 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/7/2007 10:36:45 AM
I was way to Excited this morning. I might get to have sex with the wife tonight so everything is moving way to fast for me this morning. It's been 3 + weeks. She just went back to work and dosn't have the time for me. I am also Retarded and didn't understand I was to use an actual movie, I tried to make something up. But in my 2x2 inch brain this made total sense to me.
Posts: 2891 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/7/2007 10:53:09 AM
whatever. I didn't pick an actual movie either. Its ok Evil Frank. We're still better than them. what with your online chess skills and me never getting laid, we're two cool mother fuckers.
Napalm this is one of your best efforts, personal fave-Jesus giving head to Matthew. Very impressed.
BigNick great post to Ice in yesterday's last page.
1. Watching Justin Timberlake is like taking a rhino horn in the ass. I'd rather whomp Jessica "baptist my ass" Simpson with BigNick's love pump than see Timberlake spill the paint with her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will skullfuck you underneath a print of the last supper. Great barrier reef nelson muntz cocksucker. Mother Mary's bitten left nipple, I have never wanted to choke a mexican so bad in my life. But since I can't I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and see if Michael Bay learns how to light Simpson's roast beef so that I don't just see Timberlake's worn-out nacho sticking her earhole for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched Cheers and see better lobe than that.
2. "So we're not dangerous enough to get in The Warriors?"
3. Larry Craig. If you're a fag just be a fag, fag.
"Last night we got invited, to a party at the Jones' place. For booze and games, I guess I must've drank a case."
Posts: 80 Rank: 35 Joined:
10/21/2005
Location:
Canoga Park, CA
Posted: 9/7/2007 11:08:50 AM
Well, I hadn't really thought about retiring, but now that you mention it I did kinda blow my load like a catholic priest in an Osh Kosh B'Gosh fitting room by giving away the keys to my cranium castle. And now I also kinda want to slit my wrist with college ruled paper since techinically I did phone it in twice this summer when Charlie D had to put down the tobacco penis he was sucking on long enough to write my column twice for me when I got stranded out of the country. I also forgot in my instructions to say that any amount of cursing or offensive language that you would like to pepper in would be acceptable. I guess I'm more useless than the foreskin at a bris these days. Maybe I'll just go Owen Wilson myself and let you guys write your own Napalm's from now on since you all seem so damned good at it.
Posts: 1153 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 9/7/2007 11:13:47 AM
Watching Julia Roberts is like slamming my dick in a car door. I would rather stab Scarlett “Racktastic” Johansen with BigNick’s purple headed monster than see ANYONE do ANYTHING other than kill her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will ram your eyeballs into your skull with my thumb. Suzy sucked seamen while gleaming the god damn cube, FUCK. Buddah eating out Sheeva, I have never wanted to strangle someone while watching the light dim in their eyes so much in my life. But since I can't, I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that Mel Gibson learns how to light Jessica Alba’s bearded axe wound so that I don't just see Julia’s Horsey Teeth engulfing her face for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home a watched the BBC and seen better smiles than that.
Posts: 2891 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/7/2007 11:25:45 AM
She wasn't offended because you called her a twat. She was offended because you wrote the time as dollars and spelled ridicule wrong. but she wanted to tell you that she will no longer be horny as fuck. this weekend is the weekend. sex will be had even if she has to cough up all the money she's been storing in there.
chrissie - doin the husky prowl - look out philly.
Sorry, no time or energy for mad-libs just yet, maybe I'll check back on that.
3. Loser - Arthur Blank - way to put everything on the line for lying fucking dirtbag. And getting rid of a great backup before it all comes out, just fucking unbelievable. you can't make shit like that up. You might be the worst owner in all of pro sports. Sell the dirty birds to someone who has more than one functioning brain cell and buy yourself a WNBA team you fuckin asshat.
Posts: 2891 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/7/2007 11:37:44 AM
not quite so out there frank.
Depite Derek's attempt at an insult, I am going to take his advice. If I don't have someone by 1:59am, I am going to grab someone's dick and pull them out of the bar.
Awesome. I like how you regulate on a fellow AB, great submission. Home Depot stock continues to fall.
OU 17, Miami 10. I can't bet on a frosh QB vs Miami D, but OU's overall talent and the lure of Norman nightlife will be too much for Shockey's alma mater.
Another summer loser? The Texas Rangers. Holy monkey throwing shit on Mother Teresa, where is the bottom guys?
"You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em."
