I Can't Believe She's Gone. Wait? Is that Tears for Fears? That bitch!
Just about every phase of every relationship Ive ever been in came complete with its own sound track. A mix tape or CD covering every waypoint of the relationship.
From the flirtatious beginnings as Bonnie Raitt beckoned us with Lets Give them Something to Talk About, through the sexually-charged Marvin Gaye encouraging us to Get it on, it seemed there was a mix tape for every step of my relationships. And I always seemed to be making one or listening to one made for me. Mine usually had no accompanying jewel case though. She would be lucky if I wrote on the label.
Even when the relationship got a bit rocky, there was a mix for it. Al Green might be encouraging us to Stay Together or Sarah Mclaughlin would show up and make the girl cry. Im not sure why. Thats just Sarah McLaughins power. It probably reminded her of her mom, or having a baby, or something.
Anyway it always seemed that every aspect of the relationship was equally represented by a mix CD/tape, with the exception to one. The end. The break up. The Hes a Cheating Asshole and Shes a Train Wrecked Whore phase. We spend so much time giving each other our things back that we dont have a lot of time to spend making a mix tape/cd when the relationship is over. Even months after the fact. Most likely because of the drinking and the crying taking up a lot of our post break up schedules.
This begs me to ask the question Wheres my Break up Mix CD?
So Im taking the time now to put one together. And, for the most part this is universal, so feel free to download these songs and use them where needed in your own relationship. Burn the CD and feel free to write You whore/asshole on it and drop it in the mailbox. Or force feed it to her cat. Everyone is different.
Heres the track list!
I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) Meatloaf Youve got to start this mix with an ounce of sincerity. Just an ounce though, as thats about all this song has. Having Meatloaf batting lead off says Our Love was like a fat sweaty white guy that was cool for a moment but then we both realized how ridiculous it was. Suggestion for the Jewel Case: He can write What wont you do? Apparently swallow She Can write What wont you do? Apparently keep your dick out of my sister
The Thrill is Gone B.B. King Classic blues for classic blues. She will say two things. Fuck You and Ditto
Emotion Destinys Child You cant even sit through this entire song, as you find Destinys Child utterly over-produced and unlistenable, but you know that she likes them so you throw this one in to use it against her. Also, to sound hip and to sound like you somehow know what the hell you are talking about, you write Ho in the track notes section. She will see right through it though. Mostly because you spelled it H-O-E
Cold Day in July Dixie Chicks Remember that time she dragged you to Lilith Fair and you had to sit through all the lesbian rock you could handle all the while contemplating cauterizing your balls to be able to fully enjoy the show? Well now you can rub her nose in it. Of course youre not going to tell her you own this Dixie Chicks CD and several others from that concert. This is a vengeful CD, not a thankful one, goddamn it.
I Cant Make you Love Me Bonnie Raitt Deep down inside you know this is going to make her cry. Youd probably enjoy it a lot more if it didnt make you cry too. That fact is tempered with the aimless note you scribbled in the track notes that simply reads Seriously! What the Fuck! Too bad you cried on it and it just says Seriously! What
Never Gonna Fall in Love Again Eric Carmen This one you blame on your roommate with the track note My roommates songs were mixed in and this one accidentally made it on to your CD. Whatever! (Sniffle)
How Did We Ever See this Working Out?
Far Behind Candlebox From the time you were in high school till the day you die, this song will be on every break up CD you ever make. Every one of them. This is the song you will be playing on your way over to pick up your stuff, and on the way back too. You scream out the words as you sing along but, ironically enough, you only know about half of them and mumble the rest.
PERSONAL SONG The one song that reminds you of her and her of you. This is where you really stick it to her. To get back at her you edit out the second half of the song and splice in Andrew Dice Clay reciting dirty and misogynistic nursery rhymes. Rub a Dub Dub Go fuck yourself! Or something. Im not much of a Dice fan, so I dont know what hed say. There are no track notes for this one.
HER FAVORITE SONG This is the one song that you know she loves. About half way through you start cross fading sounds of orgasms along with other sounds of people being tortured to death on top of the song. Wow, dude. You are seriously fucked up.
I Like Big Butts Sir Mix-a-Lot To be a total tool you are going to call her on having a large butt. Deep down though you miss the shit out of it. To be an asshole you write Couldnt Find MC Hammers Pumps and a Bump in the track notes. You are sad. You miss her junk in the trunk.
Its Too Late Carol King You know her mom liked it because you saw the album in her ancient stereo when you visited at Christmas. Might as well shit on her, too.
Never Gonna Get It - En Vogue This one might have you coming off a little gay. Especially in the track notes where you write Cause when you're lacking, you're losing, and I'm out the door
This Love Pantera If shes listened this long you might as well get pissed. The song sounds like it might be slow and subtle until the word FIST is screamed approximately one minute into it. In the track notes you beckon your high school self when you write You Keep This LOVE!!!
If you Wanna be Happy for the rest of your Life Skatalites Never make a pretty woman your wife This is the song that advocates marrying women that are unattractive, as they will more than compensate for it in the kitchen. I dont understand how this song is popular among women, but you know that she loves it. In the track notes you write I guess I dont want to be Happy (BAM!!! SNAP!!)
You Picked a fine time to Leave me Lucille Kenny Rogers This song absolutely parallels no portion of your situation but since you are drunk at this point in the CDs creation you include it so you can add the lines You Bitch You Slut You whore as it seemed so god damn funny when the guys at Howl at the Moon Saloon sang it. You were also very drunk there too.
Laaady You Bitch! You Slut! You Whore!
Cryin Roy Orbison This song will be the last. It will echo the regret, the longing, and the disappointment that seems to be following you since the two of you parted ways. You hope that, as she listens to it, she will understand that you are still hurting even though you both are moving on. Unfortunately you decided to use a karaoke version and sing it yourself. She will, in turn, post it on the internet and all of your friends will mock you. But, never the less, it was a nice thoughtful song to close with. Too bad you couldnt hit those high notes.
Oh, well. You just met a nice girl at work. Might be time to make a New CD. The Break up CD has been good practice. Hopefully you wont give her the wrong mix.
So those are some suggestions for a break up CD. What are yours?
clarks Posted: 3/31/2006by: lyn best song ever....
the clarks better off without you Shalom Posted: 3/7/2006by: Jesus H. Christ Ween - You Fucked Up
you fucked up you bitch you really fucked up
you fucked up you fuckin' nazi whore
you dicked me over but now you'll pay you fucked up aaaahhh.
The Ultimate Posted: 2/9/2006by: Tyler "Never Gonna Dance Again" by Wham. Enough said seriously, it's a good song Posted: 2/7/2006by: nancy reagan one less set of footsteps, by jim croce. "if that's the way that you want it, then it's the way i want it more." great line. A List That doesn't include country Posted: 2/5/2006by: Scorpioproducer Black Hole Sun -- Paul Anka version Throw Myself Away -- Queens Of The Stone Age Taste In Men -- Placebo Use For A Gun -- Soundgarden Black Capricorn Day -- Jamiroquai The Never Wills -- Audio Learning Center Black Hole -- Creeper Lagoon Disappointed Man -- Freedy Johnston Heartless -- Quasi We're Just Friends -- Wilco Days Before You Came -- Placebo Drown Me -- Soundgarden Everyone Chooses Sides -- Wrens Girls And Cars -- James Low
4th Street Posted: 2/2/2006by: jeff Bob Dylan--Positively 4th Street
perhaps the most scathing song ever
"Yes, I wish that for just one time You could stand inside my shoes You'd know what a drag it is To see you" Excellent choices Posted: 2/2/2006by: TIMMAH Amanda is right on with the Ben Folds cover. Absolutely hilarious. Martin, you hit happy songs ON THE HEAD with In the Meantime. I remember that one picking me up the very first time I heard it on the radio. Has anybody mentioned "Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash? That was a HILARIOUSLY bad song that I remember my cousin playing on her boombox nonstop when her skeezy boyfriend left her in like '90. A Few More Posted: 2/1/2006by: BJ Never Wanna Fuckin See You Again - Rich Hardesty
Can't Always Get What You Want - Rolling Stones
Stacy's Mom - Fountains of Wayne (Only works if you know a Stacy, but her mom doesnt have to be hot) BITCH Posted: 2/1/2006by: Toque Baby Bitch - Ween Cumbersone - Seven Mary Three Lying is the most fun a girl can have - Panic @ the disco Psyco Bitch -Tech9ne
and if you knocked her up Brick - Ben Folds Five nothing says breakup like a white guy covering a rap song Posted: 2/1/2006by: amanda Bitches Ain't Shit by Ben Folds
