That last swig of beer has warmed at the bottom of your bottle, the bartender has somehow managed to overcharge you (again!), and the girl youve been making out with is so ready to see your love shack.
You give your buddies a wink, walk over to her and ask her if she needs a ride home. She gives you a drunken nod and the crowd in your pants goes wild! You are about to get out of the bar andWHAM! Ugly Chick walks right over to your doll and tells her that, as her friend, she cannot allow her to go home with you because you are basically one step up from a date rapist pig who hypnotized her into thinking she would actually want to sleep with you.
The doll leaves with Ugly Chick and you are left to crash at your buddys studio apartment where you will pretend not to hear him and his girlfriend do the deed 15 feet away.
If you are a man with beer and blood running through your veins, you know that Ugly Chick is like a virus, infecting many a young mans Friday night. In fact, there are actually support groups for victims of her jealous, prudish wrath. However, before you go and join UCA (Ugly Chick Anonymous) read our guide to relieving that nasty rash caused by the ultimate cock-blocker.
Rule Number #1: Get A Wingman
The best way to avoid the Ugly Chick's bite is to give her something to sink her teeth into. Enter your wingman. Wingman is to Ugly Chick as herpes is to Courtney LoveThey were made for one another. He is your buddy, your neighbor, your cousin, your dadanyone who is an equal opportunity enjoyer in the bedroom. Wingman will hit, talk to, grope and sleep with just about anything with two-to-four legs. If he does actually have standards, then he will simply have to take one for the team.
But you were hot last night...I think...
Once Wingman has effectively cornered Ugly Chick, the path is cleared for you to show that hot little sorority girl just how lucky she is. Time it right and you can slowly slink back to your pad without even a hiss from that little troll.
Rule Number #2: Buyt Two Drinks For Ugly Chick Every Roundand Make Em Frequent
The most important part of beating Ugly Chick is understanding what fuels her. While we all have our theories-jealousy, resentment, jelly-roll belly-the fact is Ugly Chick wants some attention. Now, as stated above, Wingman should be taking care of this, but if for some reason (bitter hatred, maybe) he fails, you must take on the responsibility. To do this, youre going to have to down a few (compliments flow better while looking through beer goggles, just ask your father) and you are also going to have to get her smashed (Cant throw a spike in your wheel if shes a flat tire). By doing this, you will not only get rid of your competition, you will win the heart of your giril du jour. Chicks love it when you buy their friends drinksand you thought you worked for a LIVING!
Rule Number #3: The Gentlemens Rule:
Have you ever heard the saying, Keep your friends close but your enemies closer? Well, the Gentlemens rule is how the idea translates into the dating world. While the other tactics are about sabotaging the enemy, this method takes the opposite approach. You make Ugly Chick think you are the greatest thing since the vibrating doughnut. Buy her drinks, make her laughhell, you might even dance with her a little bit. Mention that you think her friend is cute (a nice non-threatening word in the world of chickdom) and say you are too shy to talk to her (nice guy points = bed post notches). This may sound as appealing as swallowing razor blades but act as non-threatening as a Backstreet Boy and, by the end of the night, Ugly Chick will be introducing you to Miss C-cup in the tight, pink sweater.
Rule Number #4: Check the Group Beforehand
This one is for the lazy bastards out there who just want some hot ass. Walk into the bar, do a once-over of each group of ladies and hit only on the chicks that came with cuties, this way they can pass you off to their equally hot (and hopefully loaded) friends. Though, we need to warn you: Hitting on chicks in large groups is like whipping it out during a NOW rally. Proceed with caution.
While these tips might help you avoid Ugly Chick attacks for a while, it is important to note that there might be a reoccurrence. If this should happen, just take a deep breath and take comfort in the fact that youll always have Franks futon.
the fat friend -- and other related theories Posted: 5/2/2005by: Josh In college we always called this girl the "fat friend". A lot of times the girls who persistently travel with their fat friend are worthless anyway -- completely incapable of forming her own opinions (these are the kind of girls who read Cosmo and take the surveys called "Are you a slut?")
The goal of the fat friend is to make sure her hotter friend is as miserable and alone as she is. It helps (as in #1 above) if you have a friend with the lowest standards imaginable. If none of the above strategies work, whisper to the hot one, "is your friend a lesbian?" She'll say "no, why?" and you'll say, "she just seems to not like me for no reason! Seems like a nice girl though." And leave it at that.
Related theory -- girls walk into and out of bars in a certain order. The hottest girl always leads the way, with the 2nd hottest 2nd in line. In a group of 4 or more girls, the last girl is sure to be dog-ugly. Ak is a FREAK. Posted: 4/20/2005by: Brenda Della Casa And you sound like the weirdo who attacks writers you don't know. To quote Eminem, "you're just meanie, just a big weenie."
not worth the pain Posted: 4/17/2005by: ouch Don'tt do the ugly chick. Have your wingman/men deflect away the "protector" uglier girl /girls. and move in. Girls are easiily distracted. Tell her about your striped shirt. damn Posted: 4/17/2005by: SKy Dont ya just hate it when the bartender writes the bill with a fork! Wake up RICK! Posted: 4/15/2005by: kk Chicks in groups have only one goal: to go out, get fucking ripped, and go home with the best looking guy! If you're in a group, you can abandon ship no problem... they can't possibly all hook-up so there'll be plenty of ugly bitches left in the group to keep eachother company and to all get a ride home. If you're with just one other girl, you're gonna have some hostility to respond to the next day when she bitches you out for leaving her for some drunk one night stand. Girls are catty and its all a game... someone needs to get you a rule book! chew on this Posted: 4/14/2005by: Meg Hey, heres a thought for all the men who get denied from chicks because of the cock blocker, the hot girl didn't want you anyways. Ugh-A-Mugs Posted: 4/14/2005by: Jus I have attempted the "Be Nice To The Ugly Chick" approach and it does not work. What happens is all of the friends see you being nice to her and then they just can't bring themselves to taking you away from her. Even when the hot girls think you're the best piece of man meat in the room, if they even remotely think the ugly chick has a chance with you, they will never talk to you again. They are also ten times more likely to tell everyone they know that you now have a "crush" on the ugly chick, so then you can't even get hot chicks outside of their group. Until you have dated and dumped the ugly girl you will be stuck with her as your "buddy" until the end of time with no action in site. My suggestion is to avoid the ugly chick altogether. Not getting laid for one night is better than not getting laid for years. Awesome Posted: 4/14/2005by: Goldberg This was one of the funniest (and most realistic) articles I have read in a long time. Brenda just keeps getting better and better. More importantly, here's tip #5: Hook up with Ugly chick. She'll tell her friend how good you are, and it's money in the bag. You've gotta take a bullet if you want to win the war. CHICKS IN GROUPS Posted: 4/14/2005by: Rick Most "chicks" are easier to take home when they are just out with 1 girlfriend. if you try to take a girl home who's with a large group, unless they are all complete sluts, she is going to be more worried about the group thinking she's a slut, and therefore more likely to turn you down. (peer pressure never dies) girls who go in two's are pretty much with their best friends who know exactly what they're like and won't have a problem with you taking her best friend for a ride. screw you guys I'm going home! Posted: 4/14/2005by: Goose Please do not stick your wingman with the ugly chick! I am your wingman and I am tired of taking one for the team. For shit's sake, the wingman fucking dies in TOP GUN! Why does it have to be this way in real life. I got stuck married to an evil cock blocking fat, ugly chick because of being the wingman. Thank the sweet lord Jesus that I make piles of money and got the bitch a trainer and some plastic sugery. Who's your wingman now, bitch!
